“I’ve seen a million penises,” Patricia informed Eric. “I’m a trained doctor, remember? I just need to examine your pelvis to see if it’s fully healed for fuck’s sake!”
“But I’ve always had male doctors,” Eric replied. “If a female doctor looks at my junk, I might, uhh..”
“Get a boner?” Patricia asked. “Who gives a fuck? I’m just gonna lower your underwear and feel around a little.”
Eric laid in bed quietly as Patricia lowered his piss-stained tighty-whities. Despite flooding his mind with unpleasant thoughts, blood raged through his veins on down to his nether regions. Patricia focused diligently on her duties while her wrist and elbows occasionally brushed up against his pathetic, throbbing erection.
The two didn’t say a word for the duration of the examination. Patricia came to the conclusion that Eric did indeed make a full recovery and then looked back at his helplessly average wang. “Do you ever wash this thing?” she asked, “Jesus Christ.”
“Uhhh….,” Eric was at a loss for words while Patricia studied his appendage. Already four sheets to the wind, Patricia removed her rubber gloves and gripped Eric’s schlong. “Sometimes after pelvic and spinal injuries,” Patricia explained, “male patients can experience ejaculatory problems.”
After two, no more than three strokes, Eric busted all over Patricia’s hand and guest bed. “Hmm,” Patricia wondered aloud as she gazed upon her jizz stained hand, “based on the lack of stimulus applied to the glans, you may experience involuntary ejaculation from here on out.”
Patricia stood up to wash her hands while Eric remained laid out in a state of post-orgasmic euphoria. After drying her hands, she wrote out a seven figure check. “I hope this covers everything,” she said as she laid the check down on Eric’s bare chest while his arms were sprawled out, “I’m sorry for hitting you with my car. But you are fully healed. You’re free to leave whenever you wish.”
Eric came to his senses, pulled up his nasty ass underwear, and proceeded to dress. Patricia went back downstairs to pour herself a stiff drink. Eric joined her minutes later.
“These last few days,” he explained, “have been some of the best days of my life.”
“The hell are you talking about?” Patricia asked. “You’ve been bed-ridden for two weeks!”
“I know, I know,” Eric replied. He then lifted up the seven figure check, ripped it up, and let the shreds fall to the floor. “But damn it, Patricia,” he continued, “I think I’m falling for you.”
For the record, you’re going to hell for reading this.
“Great tits,” Geoff said while glancing through his binoculars.
“Excuse me?” Becky asked.
“There’s a titmouse nest in that tree.”
Being spurned by their original canoeing partners, Becky and Geoff were fuming while floating down river. Geoff was trying to forget that his sister was with a strange man. Becky, meanwhile, wanted to make that same man jealous.
She opened her cooler and dug out a few wine shooters.
“Have you ever drank alcohol, Geoff?” she asked.
“Never. The Bible forbids it.”
“But Jesus was a wino,” she replied.
Becky then stripped off her t-shirt, exposing her bikini top. Noticing this, Geoff shifted in his seat to hide his boner. “I think I’ll try one of those,” he told Becky.
“How old are you Geoff?” she asked.
“Almost 40.”
“Have you ever been married?”
“Once. I met her online. I sent her $10,000 and a picture of my butthole. I never heard from her again..”
“Aww. I’m so sorry to hear that,” Becky said. She stood up and removed her shorts, leaving only her bikini bottom. Geoff tried to disguise his glances as he sipped his wine.
“It’s a little warm out here Geoff,” Becky said. “Why are you wearing khaki pants and a pea green polo?”
“The Lord says that we should be modest at all times. I don’t even look at my penis in the shower.”
“God wouldn’t blame you for taking your shirt off.”
Geoff thought for a moment. Finally, he stood up and removed his polo, exposing his white, pasty body and hairy man boobs for God and everyone to see.
“Now that’s much better, isn’t it?” Becky said. “You can take off your pants too.”
Geoff took a deep breath, stood up again, and dropped his khakis. He sat back down in the canoe, wearing only his mildly urine stained tighty-whities.
Staring at his disgusting body, Becky continued to pound the wine. “Maybe we should stop off at this cove,” Becky said. The two paddled towards the river’s edge.
Geoff pulled the canoe out of the water while Becky laid down a towel in the grass. “Why don’t you come sit by me?” she asked. Geoff poked his glasses up to his face and waddled towards her.
Becky was relaxed while Geoff awkwardly sat up with his arms around his knees. “You have nothing to be worried about, Geoff. I don’t bite,” she said.
“Shucks,” he replied, “this is the closest I’ve ever been to a woman, other than my sister.”
Becky cozied up to Geoff and he began to relax a bit. Then she placed her hand on his thigh, uncomfortably close to his dong. “How do you feel about John being with your sister right now?” she asked him.
“Well,” he started to say while adjusting his glasses, “I don’t like it. Mom and Dad wanted me to look out for her while they’re gone.”
Becky took his hand and placed it on her boob. “And how do you feel about your sister?” she asked.
It took a moment for Geoff to gather his thoughts. “Uhh, well,” he said, “she never let me feel her boobs.”
“What do you think about my boobs?”
“They’re squishy.”
Becky removed her bikini top and Geoff quickly withdrew his glance. “You can look,” she said. Geoff slowly drifted his eyes towards her chest.
“Have you ever been touched down there before?” Becky asked.
“I touched myself once. It didn’t go well.”
“Well let me try”. Becky then removed Geoff’s disgusting, hole-y underwear which exposed his uncut, partially erect penis. The smell was ungodly.
Becky tried to hold back from vomiting as she placed his pathetic excuse for a penis into her mouth. Geoff thought that this was unnatural, but something was happening…something that he never experienced before. Becky stroked him once, maybe twice. Before he could say anything, 40 years of backed-up semen was UNLEASHED all over her boobs.
“Jesus Christ, Geoff!” Becky screamed.
“Wh-wh-what just happened?! Did we make a baby?”
“You did the right thing, Geoff,” Brother Ted said from behind the bushes. Startled, Becky instantly covered herself. “Were you watching us the entire time?!” she exclaimed.
“Sure was!” Ted said as he climbed out from the bushes. “And while I don’t approve of premarital sex, I think you two handled this perfectly.”
Geoff stood up and dusted the dirt off from his flabby butt cheeks. “How so, sir?” he asked.
“You see,” Ted continued, “Onan unleashed his seed all over the ground, which angered God. But you, Geoff, busted ALL over Becky’s boobs. This pleases God. And never mind my erection, it’s a side effect of my ED medication.”
“So premarital sex is okay?” Becky asked.
“Woah woah woah, I didn’t say that!” Ted said. “For the record, God says that a man should always bust in a woman for the purposes of procreation, and you SHOULD be married for procreation. Let’s just get that out of the way. But there’s a loophole: if two…or more…people are having sexual intercourse, if the man can’t bust INSIDE the woman, he must bust ON her. Additionally, if outside of marriage, all sexual activity must be monitored by one’s pastor. Or, in this case, me. This is 100% biblical.”
Geoff exhaled. “I am so relieved,” he said.
“I can tell! That was a lot of sperm!” Ted said. “But we got bigger problems: Alyssa and John are missing. We must find them before John deflowers your sister without my supervision.”
“No!” Geoff said adamantly. “They must not have any sex whatsoever.”
“Or whatever dude,” Ted said. “I’m just here to move the plot along.”
The Internet Ruined Everything 