Tag: South Carolina

The College Football Uniform Playoff (Part I)

This is part 1 (of 758 parts) of dissertation on college football uniforms. I will be grading EVERY uniform in the Power 5 conferences and the Group of 5 schools. Later, they will be going head to head in a playoff system that I will completely pull out of my ass.

So let’s begin with the Southeastern Conference (SEC).

The SEC, which currently consists of 14 schools, is commonly known as the toughest conference in college football. However, in my view, they have the weakest uniforms.

14. Alabama

The Alabama Crimson Tide may be the greatest college program in football history but their uniforms suck ass. Their mascot is an elephant with a limp trunk. You’d think with as many titles as they have, their mascot’s trunk would be fully erect and slapping opposing counterparts around. So that’s a missed opportunity. Plus, they have numbers on the side of their helmets. Grow the fuck up!

13. Texas A&M

Maroon is a very popular college color. But I don’t give a shit. It’s boring, plus the A&M font sucks. Additionally, the A&M logo looks like “ATM”.

12. Mississippi State

Watching Miss St. and A&M play is one of the most confusing things you’ll ever see. That being said, Miss St. does a lot better job at rocking the maroon, plus the logo with a simple ‘M’ and ‘State’ draped over it ain’t too shabby. Simple, but effective.

11. South Carolina

I want to like this uniform, but again, the maroon-ish color is killing me. That’s a pretty good helmet though and the black alternatives are kinda dope. And kudos to any team that calls themselves “Gamecocks”. 👍

10. Vanderbilt

Congrats to Vandy for not being the worst in this category. I like the name ‘Commodores’. I like that they have Lionel Ritchie as their mascot. Pretty solid logo and helmet. But that black and gold is kinda ‘meh’.

9. Arkansas

I hate Arkansas. Both the state and everyone in it. The football program can kiss my ass too. But ‘Razorbacks’ is pretty good name and the logo ain’t to shabby either. As for the uniforms, they’re pretty basic, but the cardinal red really pops.

8. Tennessee

Goddamn I want to love this uniform. People talk shit about the checkered orange pattern from time to time, but that design makes sense. A lot of interstate construction crews run through Tennessee, so those colors are an accurate representation of that state. The problem is that not enough is done with this bold color scheme. The ‘T’ logo is pretty bland to boot. The alternative grays aren’t too bad though.

7. Auburn

As you’ll find out, I’m quite generous to teams that sport orange. I don’t particularly like navy blue, but its pairing with burnt orange pays off here. My issue with this uniform though is the white helmet and pants. If they went for a solid navy blue across, it would probably be one of the best in sports.

6. Mississippi

This is just a solid uniform throughout. Though honestly, I wish they ditch the navy blue and run with the cardinal red and light blue full time.

5. Florida

First off, fuck Tim Tebow. Secondly, he looked pretty badass donning the orange and blue. While Florida’s colors pop a little better than Auburn’s, they still suffer from the same problem: the white pants for home games. Ditch the white and go full blue. But the helmet is a thing of beauty.

4. Georgia

Nice uniform but that Georgia logo looks a little too familiar. Now This is one of the rare uniforms that I think looks BETTER in its away form. The red helmet with the solid white is really sharp. And fuck Stetson Bennett too.

3. Kentucky

As with Georgia, the white away jerseys mesh really well with the helmets. Kentucky thankfully uses a a fully blue uniform for home games. I don’t even mind the checkered sleeves (which they probably stole from Tennessee). And don’t get me started on those silver helmets 🥰🥰🥰

2. Missouri

I’ve said before that gold (or yellow) and black are probably the two strongest colors a team could put together. And I’m saying it again here.

1. Louisiana State

The helmet alone, in both its white and yellow forms, is enough to propel LSU into the top spot. This means that LSU gets an automatic bid into the tournament (seeding to be determined). In truth, I don’t know if I actually like this uniform or if I just feel sorry for the people of Louisiana (for having to live there). Either way, congrats to LSU for advancing.

Ranking the 50 States (the average/underrated states)

Like I said, there’s something that I hate about every US State. Really, they need to be done away with altogether. But the states on this list are alright, for the most part.

29. South Carolina

There’s a religious-like devotion to this state that I don’t understand. But, to be fair, if you can ignore the outright bigotry and hatred, you might find a pretty decent vacation spot that features a little bit of everything.

28. Wisconsin

If you are a full functioning alcoholic, I hear that Milwaukee is the town for you. And all Wisconsin residents swear up and down that something called “the dells” is pretty nice. Unfortunately, this state contains what we call “Green Bay Packers” fans, and that knocks it down a few pegs.

27. Oklahoma

People talk shit about Tulsa, but I’ve always had a good time there. Oklahoma City is nice. There’s a number of casinos (half of which I’ve been kicked out of). Outside of that, it is kind of a boring state. Except during tornado season. Gotta watch out for those.

26. Washington

“How fucking dare you not put us in the top 10!” Washington residents are thinking. But no! How fucking dare YOU, Washington residents! You guys lie to everyone about how beautiful and how many things there are to do in your state! But outside of the Seattle region…which is admittedly pretty cool…your state is BORING! And it’s about time someone said something!

25. Nebraska

“You’re ranking Nebraska above Washington?” you might be thinking. Yes. Nebraska is also a notoriously boring state, but at least the residents can admit that. Plus Lincoln is a pretty good college town.

24. Iowa

To be honest, I’m my mind, I think of Iowa as only a slightly better version of Nebraska. Sorry.

23. Montana

There’s some national parks, mountains, whatnot and whathaveyou. All of it beautiful. That’s enough to put it in the upper echelon. But outside of the land and some of its history, it’s actually kinda boring.

22. Kansas

“You’re putting Kansas above Washington and Montana?”…yes. Yes I am. Kansas is America’s bread basket. Plus, Kansas City, although mostly in Missouri, is a great fucking town and I’ll gladly give Kansas some of the credit. And a lot of you have been sleeping on Wichita. Shame…shame on all of you for not recognizing this sooner.

21. Indiana

Oh shit, I forgot about Indiana. Sorry Hoosiers, I overrated you guys.

20. West Virginia

Sure, you can’t throw a rock in West Virginia without hitting a meth lab. But make no mistake, this is a REAL ASS place. It ain’t for the weak. And I can respect that.