Here’s the deal. I don’t think the 1996 Michael Bay classic The Rock is a James Bond movie. It’s well established that all the James Bonds, from Sean Connery to Pierce Brosnan, are the same character. But something about this theory appeals to me. Connery’s portrayal of 007 felt distant. Impenetrable. It’s interesting to consider his segment of the franchise as something different from the whole. But if the Rock is, in fact, a James Bond movie, we get to see another angle of the 007 universe, chiefly the political fallout. Until Craig, Bond didn’t give two shits about the real world consequences of his clandestine activities. But under Connery, he stopped WWIII and nuclear war several times. Wouldn’t you think that might have caused a stir in Washington, Moscow, and other centers of world politics? So The Rock, if one wishes to include it in their head cannon, greatly expands the mythology of the Connery Bond tenure.
But what’s also cool about the video above is that this guy goes into some minute detail. Like, he REALLY maps out a timeline. I mean, people call me a dork. But GODDAMN. But the best part of his reconstruction is that the only reason why Bond ended up in Alcatraz is due to the ending of Dr. No when he disconnects his boat from the US Marines to shag Honey Rider. Apparently that was a bad decision which led to an erroneous capture, followed by a tenure in federal prison. Honestly, that was the most realistic part of his explanation.
There comes a point in every Bond movie where one tends to forget the plot and just sits back and enjoys the action. For me, and perhaps for many others, that moment comes at the arrival in Los Angeles. But if it doesn’t come there then it DEFINITELY comes during the Circus Circus sequence. And as a result, to my knowledge, I don’t think anyone has ever questioned the logic of this scene.
To set it up, after Plenty O’Toole is dispensed with, Tiffany seduces Bond into giving up the diamonds by convincing him that she’ll run off with him to Hong Kong. Bond plays along with this deception by instructing her to pick up the diamonds at Circus Circus, a major hotel and casino. To make any sort of sense in what follows, here’s what I think the plan was (which is never explicitly stated): Bond, a British Intelligence agent, was operating on US soil. For a foreign agent to legally do that, they must do so under the supervision of American intelligence which, in the case here, is the CIA and Felix Leiter. The rendezvous at Circus Circus was the contact point where Bond was to turn over the operation to Felix with Bond acting as a fail safe option should the CIA lose track of Tiffany Case by meeting her at the car rental agency. But Bond plainly stated that this is a 50/50 shot which explains why he was on Felix’s ass; if the CIA lost track of her, there was no guarantee that Bond would catch up with her. So when the inevitable happened and the Felix lost track of her and she subsequently failed to show up at the car rental agency, Bond took a blind guess and found her at her house.
If this is the case then the CIA did a piss poor job. Why would they make it painfully obvious to Tiffany Case that she was being followed? Was the plan to follow her or apprehend her? To my reasoning, it had to of been the latter in order to get her to cooperate with Bond in the British intelligence investigation. In that case, why not apprehended her immediately after she collected the diamonds? Did the CIA not want to make a scene?
I know what Cubby Broccoli’s response is: who gives a shit?
This is what they call in the biz “movie magic” where we don’t have to worry about things like “realism” or “plot”. We just have to shut our brains off and enjoy the spectacle.
And what a spectacle it is! Within the stretch of just over four minutes, we’re exposed to trapeze artists, elephants playing slot machines, human women transforming into gorillas, and even a cameo by the owner of Circus Circus himself as a mad scientist. It’s no wonder we lose track of the plot! This scene isn’t so much a part of a movie as it is an advertisement for the Circus Circus Hotel and Casino.
But there’s two moments I’d like to highlight. First is the moment where Tiffany collects the diamonds hidden in a stuffed animal. While at the blackjack table, she’s instructed to play the water balloons. She wins the “prize” (the diamonds) and a kid correctly calls out that the game was rigged. Tiffany tells the kid to “blow up his pants”, which is a line that could have only been written by Mankiewicz. To be honest, I’ve seen this movie more times than I care to admit but each time I think she’s gonna say “fart out your ass kid!”.
That’s all I got to say about that.
The second moment is when Tiffany realizes she’s being followed and enters the “Zambora” exhibit to elude her pursuers. An announcer explains “Zambora” as the “strangest woman ever born to live” which seems like a redundant statement.
The James Bond franchise is noted for its versatility in action set pieces. You have skiing, boat chases, car chases, parkour chases, fighter jets, and even space battles. But I’m a simple man. There’s nothing that I like to see more than two men pummel the shit out of each other.
The train fight in From Russia With Love is probably the greatest example. It’s not only one of the best fights in the franchise, it’s probably one of course most notable in film history. Above all else, James Bond needs to be a brawler. They got away from that in the post-Connery era. No disrespect to Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, and Pierce Brosnan but I’m pretty sure I’d stand a decent chance at beating their asses if it came down to it. The Broccolis thankfully reestablished Bond as a brute with Daniel Craig but there’s something about Sean Connery that I find raw. Watch any of the earlier films of the 60s. Connery portrays Bond as almost having a psychopathic need to throw down. That’s who James Bond is; he can’t feel alive unless certain death is knocking at his door.
Now I’m not saying that the elevator fight in Diamonds AreForever is one of the best. It’s not even top 10. Actually it’s probably the worst in the franchise. But even the worst fight in a James Bond movie is better than the greatest orgasm. That’s a hill I’m willing to die on. But this is why the talent behind the camera is the best in the industry: they see an opportunity to do something cool (if not stupid) and run with it. Connery is what? 6’2 220? And the stuntman he’s fighting is at least that much. Then Guy Hamilton sees a 3×3 elevator and decides that’s where they’ll confront each other.
The “bad guy” (Peter Franks) is a total fucking idiot though. Think about it: you killed a guard, escaped prison, then went to Amsterdam. When you arrive at your destination, there’s another big ass dude (James Bond) that happens to show up. THEN you agree to get into a tiny elevator with him?! I get not wanting to look conspicuous BUT if I were Peter Franks, I would NOT let another big dude stand behind me under those conditions. But James Bond fucks up too. He probably should have chosen to choke Peter Franks out instead of winding up to punch him and breaking a glass pane. I mean goddamn, why am I not working for MI6?
Nevertheless a fight ensues, a bunch of glass breaks, a bullet is fired, and none of this gains the attention of residents EXCEPT for Tiffany Case. She stands hopelessly by while the fight spills out of the elevator and Bond defeats Franks with a fire extinguisher. Though Bond is victorious, he could have easily avoided this mess by, again, choking Franks out. No matter though. 007 does some quick thinking by exchanging Peter Franks’ wallet out with his and dragging the dead body into Tiffany Case’s apartment. When she checks the deceased for an ID, she gasps. “My god! You just killed James Bond!”
So, is James Bond famous? Kinda defeats the purpose of being a secret agent.
James Bond steals a tiny yellow car, flirts with Ms. Moneypenny, and is off to Amsterdam. We see a boat tour down the Amstel, a dead woman pulled from the river, and Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd cackling to themselves about sending pictures of the body to kids. The two henchmen walk away, James Bond drives past them and arrives at Tiffany Case’s house.
Jill St. John is controversial among Bond fans. Sure her character is a little uneven and she’s given odd dialogue. But as much as it pains me to say it, that’s Tom Mankiewicz’s fault. You can’t deny that St. John at least gives a performance. She’s picking up the slack where Connery is lacking.
BUT, with that said, even while Connery simply rolls out of bed and into his toupee, there’s no denying his charisma. As much as I love Roger Moore, there are times when I think “Sean could have delivered that line better.” And Bond’s first interaction with Tiffany Case highlights this point; She walks in and out of the room barely wearing anything, she’s confusing Bond with her constant wig changing, and she’s a total smartass. That’s a lot! Had Roger been in the scene, he would have raised an eyebrow, gawked at her, and looked like an absolute pervert. I would have never believed their chemistry. But Connery, in his detachment, plays it dumb and cool. He lets HER carry the scene. After Tiffany Case informs Bond that she’ll finish dressing, only Connery could have pulled off the line “oh please. Not on my account.”
Can you imagine if Roger said that? 🤢
What’s unfortunate about this scene is that very little of it carries into the film. Tiffany doesn’t become the strong female character she’s established to be and the wig changing plays an only a minor role later on. So the scene is confusing if not absurd. Then again so is the rest of the movie! But I think the biggest complaint is that many find Tiffany Case annoying.
I disagree wholeheartedly. The inconsistency in the character is ironed out by St. John. The strong face she puts on in her introduction immediately melts away once when bullets start flying. Where you find inconsistency, I find relatability. Where the screenwriters failed, St. John delivered nuance. So justice for Tiffany Case!
There’s an interesting scene after the Tiffany Case introduction when Bond returns to his hotel room and has a phone chat with Q. Bond commends him for the fake set of fingerprints and Q is flattered. I like little moments like this. The relationship between Q and Bond can sometimes be quarrelsome, particularly during the Connery era, but at the end of the day I like to think these guys like each other. But what’s confusing here is that Q kinda nonchalantly tells James Bond that the guy he’s impersonating has killed a guard, escaped prison, and is presumably on his way to Tiffany Case. I guess these things happen all the time at M16, but hell, even if I didn’t LIKE the guy, I’d still be a little urgent in a phone call to my coworker that a man is probably on his way to kill him! But that’s just one of the reasons why this film is so special: it’s explicitly telling you that we’re here to have fun.
This point is driven home in the following action sequence…
I’ve never had a bad word to say about 1971’s Diamonds Are Forever. To be honest, I classify it as an art form in and of itself. It’s not a movie; it remains a historical artifact of what happens when film producers have an infinite amount of money and zero fucks to give.
Even its leading man, the late great Sean Connery, couldn’t be bothered to lie about why he returned to the role. It was for the money, obviously, then a record sum. And when you watch the movie, it is obvious that no other person in the history of the planet made an easier $1 million. Producers and audiences didn’t care. They didn’t need Connery to act. They only needed him to show up.
So let’s hop right into the “film”:
If you think about it, this is actually a good cold open: James Bond throws a Japanese man through a paper wall, punches an Egyptian man in the face, and strangles a hooker with her bikini. And that brings us to roughly the minute and half mark. Now I know it sounds racist and misogynistic when I explain that way. But this is Connery’s Bond. I’m just telling you what happened.
As an interesting side note, if you notice in the Cairo casino scene, multiple people, including the man whom Bond punches, are wearing a hat called a fez. While the fez has historically been a popular piece of headgear in places like the Middle East and North Africa, where in the latter it was seen as a symbol of resistance against French occupation, something about its use in Diamonds Are Forever didn’t sit right with me. So I did a little digging and found out that the fez was actually banned in Egypt in 1958, 13 years before this movie was filmed. Insofar as I can tell the ban has been lifted but it is no longer a popular piece to wear in Egypt and it probably hasn’t been since 1958. However, the fez is still commonly worn in MOROCCO. It’s this little piece oversight and careless consideration that I really appreciate about this movie and the early Bond films as a whole.
But back to the hooker strangulation part, it’s important to point out that that Connery was roughly 4 years out from his previous Bond film You Only Live Twice. But it looks closer to 40 years. Usually when actors are cast in physically demanding roles, they do things like, you know, get in shape. But this is the genius of Connery: he didn’t. And good for him. He provided us with the greatest dad bod, the likes of which would not be seen again until Kelsey Grammar in Frasier. What’s more alarming is that Connery looked noticeably younger and fitter 12 years later in Never Say Never Again. So I applaud Connery. It’s nice to see him get in one more fuck you to Eon Productions before leaving them for good.
It was painfully obvious that Connery was in no way committed to the role. Again, back to the strangulation scene, this was where the actor reveals his face and reintroduces the character: my name’s Bond…James Bond. It’s important to note that everyone…audiences and producers alike…wanted Connery back. This introduction was to give the audience exactly what they wanted. But Connery and director Guy Hamilton zigged when perhaps they should have zagged. Instead of appearing as the cool and suave spy that we came to love, Bond introduces himself like he’s your new pervy neighbor. If I could go back in time and be a fly on the wall, I wouldn’t go see the Pyramids being built or Caesar crossing the Rubicon or any of that shit. I would go back in time to watch this scene be filmed. The reveal of Bond’s face seems like it was a first take. Maybe Connery refused to do a second. Now I’m no Steven Spielberg, but if I were Guy Hamilton, I would have taken the actor aside and said “hey, with this scene, we’re telling the audience that Sean Connery is BACK as James Bond. So when you walk down those steps in that godawful Terry cloth button-up, play it a little cool, ya know? Just like you did in Dr. No.” But that’s not what we got. Instead the whole presentation felt rushed and careless which was an ominous sign of things to come…
But on second thought, maybe Connery’s lackadaisical introduction was a deliberate one. At the time audiences felt that the prior film, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, sorely missed the original Bond’s presence. Critics today are far more generous to George Lazenby’s first and only portrayal of 007, but being that this was the first time the character had been recast, audiences weren’t so sympathetic. With Connery lazily introducing Bond in the cold open, perhaps this was the filmmakers’ way of telling the audience that the Scottish actor had always been James Bond.
Yet this might not have been the only attempt at erasing On Her Majesty’s Secret Service within the first minute and a half. Obviously nowhere in the cold open or in the rest of the film is Tracy Bond’s death mentioned. But also, recall where the Diamonds Are Forever starts: (presumably) in Japan. And where did Connery’s prior Bond film, You Only Live Twice, end? That’s right: Japan. You Only Live Twice ends and Diamonds Are Forever begins with Bond chasing Ernst Stavro Blofeld in Japan. Coincidence? I think not. There’s obvious problems with my theory, namely James Bond looks 50 years older, but you could almost assume that Diamonds Are Forever picks up right where You Only Live Twice ends, therefore bypassing On Her Majesty’s Secret Service altogether.
Unfortunately none of this matters. The franchise is noticeably absent of continuity which has led to many asinine fan theories, the most egregious one being that James Bond is a “code name”. So allow me to digress a moment to dispel this dumb ass idea. First off, the death of Tracy Bond is a major event in the series. It is also referenced numerous times in other films staring four different Bond actors: Lazenby, Moore, Dalton, and Brosnan. This would lead us to assume that James Bond is the same man across all the Eon produced films. Additionally, it is nonsensical to believe that each secret agent that takes up the mantle of “James Bond” would ALSO have been married to a woman named Tracy who was later killed. What are the odds? Of course Lazenby infamously breaks the fourth wall in OHMSS by referring to Connery (“this never happened to the other fellow”) but later he is seen going through various trinkets seen in prior films, implying that he and Connery are in fact the same James Bond. Therefore all pre-Daniel Craig actors, from Connery to Brosnan, are the same James Bond. The Craig era is a hard reboot of the series and therefore exists in a timeline of its own. It would make zero sense for MI6 to assign various agents across the decades the same name and code. That’s fucking stupid and this theory needs to be put to bed.
Anyways, back to the erasure of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Now I have zero proof of what I’m about to allege, but it is well known that by this time, the relationship between producers Cubby Broccoli and Harry Salzman was on the fritz. At this point in production history, the two were alternating lead producer responsibilities from one film to the next. Saltzman produced On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. That means Broccoli produced Diamonds Are Forever. I know what you’re thinking: “so you’re saying Broccoli tried to fuck over Saltzman by trying to make audiences forget On Her Majesty’s Secret Service?”. And the answer is yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.
And folks, I’ve only discussed the first minute and half of this film. Now’s let’s move on to the other hour and 58 minutes….
Truth be told, I don’t have much to say about Charles Gray’s Blofeld. His casting and acting choices encapsulate the movie perfectly. Counter balancing Connery’s carefree performance, Gray actually worked for his paycheck. He made his interpretation a marked difference from Donald Pleasence and Telly Savalas who preceded him in the role. It’s probably my favorite Blofeld. Gray’s acting may not be to everyone’s taste. In fact, some are even distracted by his casting given he played a Bond ally in the previous Connery outing, You Only Live Twice, as Mr. Henderson.
This further lends credence to my theory that Diamonds Are Forever is a direct sequel to You Only Live Twice. If true, then this would be a groundbreaking moment in the series that would not be seen again until Casino Royale/Quantum of Solace over 35 years later. Hear me out: after the events of You Only Live Twice, Blofeld changed his appearance to fit not just anyone, but Mr. Henderson specifically. Why Mr. Henderson? Who knows. To be honest, Roald Dahl’s script was so batshitthat I don’t recall if Mr. Henderson’s background was ever explained. I believe it was hinted that he knew of SPECTRE; so he appeared to be a well-connected guy. Perhaps he knew Willard Whyte? That might explain how Blofeld managed to infiltrate Whyte’s organization for DAF. But whatever the case, I’m sure there’s no need to inspect for holes in my theory as it is ironclad.
So I don’t have much to say on Gray’s Blofeld but I do have a lot to say about his introduction, specifically the set. Let me preface this by saying that Ken Adam might be the greatest production designer of all time. He’s certainly the most iconic of the James Bond franchise. But that set, where Bond confronts Blofeld for the first time in the film, looks like shit. Literally. Everything is dark and brown, right down to Connery’s suit. I’m willing to give Adam the benefit of the doubt. As you all know, I don’t do research. So it’s possible that this “set” isn’t a set at all but is actually someone’s house, specifically Guy Hamilton’s. I’m making this assumption based on no proof, but it feels like Cubby Broccoli went into Hamilton’s basement and said “this would be the perfect place to shoot a Bond film.” Hamilton, being the English gentleman that he is (or was), simply shrugged and said “whatever you say Cubby.” Meanwhile Adam, along with set decorator Peter Lamont, threw up a bunch of rock to conceal the dreariness of the room, leaving cinematographer Ted Moore with the unenviable task of lighting it. That is the only logical conclusion I can come to given the talent involved. Adam, Lamont, and Moore have all won Academy Awards.
But it’s in this scene where Connery has to do a little bit of work, probably the most he’ll do throughout the film. It appears he did his own stunt work by doing a front roll then pulling a switch that dumps a bunch of shit onto a guy pointing a gun at him. Then he briefly tangles with two guards before jumping slightly to the side to avoid a knife attack from Blofeld. I’m surprised they convinced Connery to do as much. It’s probably the laziest fight scene in the whole series.
With Blofeld “dead”, this leads us into the main title sequence…
Truth be told, I don’t have much to say about Charles Gray’s Blofeld. His casting and acting choices encapsulate the movie perfectly. Counter balancing Connery’s carefree performance, Gray actually worked for his paycheck. He made his interpretation a marked difference from Donald Pleasence and Telly Savalas who preceded him in the role. It’s probably my favorite Blofeld. Gray’s acting may not be to everyone’s taste. In fact, some are even distracted by his casting given he played a Bond ally in the previous Connery outing, You Only Live Twice, as Mr. Henderson.
This further lends credence to my theory that Diamonds Are Forever is a direct sequel to You Only Live Twice. If true, then this would be a groundbreaking moment in the series that would not be seen again until Casino Royale/Quantum of Solace over 35 years later. Hear me out: after the events of You Only Live Twice, Blofeld changed his appearance to fit not just anyone, but Mr. Henderson specifically. Why Mr. Henderson? Who knows. To be honest, Roald Dahl’s script was so batshitthat I don’t recall if Mr. Henderson’s background was ever explained. I believe it was hinted that he knew of SPECTRE; so he appeared to be a well-connected guy. Perhaps he knew Willard Whyte? That might explain how Blofeld managed to infiltrate Whyte’s organization for DAF. But whatever the case, I’m sure there’s no need to inspect for holes in my theory as it is ironclad.
So I don’t have much to say on Gray’s Blofeld but I do have a lot to say about his introduction, specifically the set. Let me preface this by saying that Ken Adam might be the greatest production designer of all time. He’s certainly the most iconic of the James Bond franchise. But that set, where Bond confronts Blofeld for the first time in the film, looks like shit. Literally. Everything is dark and brown, right down to Connery’s suit. I’m willing to give Adam the benefit of the doubt. As you all know, I don’t do research. So it’s possible that this “set” isn’t a set at all but is actually someone’s house, specifically Guy Hamilton’s. I’m making this assumption based on no proof, but it feels like Cubby Broccoli went into Hamilton’s basement and said “this would be the perfect place to shoot a Bond film.” Hamilton, being the English gentleman that he is (or was), simply shrugged and said “whatever you say Cubby.” Meanwhile Adam, along with set decorator Peter Lamont, threw up a bunch of rock to conceal the dreariness of the room, leaving cinematographer Ted Moore with the unenviable task of lighting it. That is the only logical conclusion I can come to given the talent involved. Adam, Lamont, and Moore have all won Academy Awards.
But it’s in this scene where Connery has to do a little bit of work, probably the most he’ll do throughout the film. It appears he did his own stunt work by doing a front roll then pulling a switch that dumps a bunch of shit onto a guy pointing a gun at him. Then he briefly tangles with two guards before jumping slightly to the side to avoid a knife attack from Blofeld. I’m surprised they convinced Connery to do as much. It’s probably the laziest fight scene in the whole series.
With Blofeld “dead”, this leads us into the main title sequence…
But on second thought, maybe Connery’s lackadaisical introduction was a deliberate one. At the time audiences felt that the prior film, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, sorely missed the original Bond’s presence. Critics today are far more generous to George Lazenby’s first and only portrayal of 007, but being that this was the first time the character had been recast, audiences weren’t so sympathetic. With Connery lazily introducing Bond in the cold open, perhaps this was the filmmakers’ way of telling the audience that the Scottish actor had always been James Bond.
Yet this might not have been the only attempt at erasing On Her Majesty’s Secret Service within the first minute and a half. Obviously nowhere in the cold open or in the rest of the film is Tracy Bond’s death mentioned. But also, recall where the Diamonds Are Forever starts: (presumably) in Japan. And where did Connery’s prior Bond film, You Only Live Twice, end? That’s right: Japan. You Only Live Twice ends and Diamonds Are Forever begins with Bond chasing Ernst Stavro Blofeld in Japan. Coincidence? I think not. There’s obvious problems with my theory, namely James Bond looks 50 years older, but you could almost assume that Diamonds Are Forever picks up right where You Only Live Twice ends, therefore bypassing On Her Majesty’s Secret Service altogether.
Unfortunately none of this matters. The franchise is noticeably absent of continuity which has led to many asinine fan theories, the most egregious one being that James Bond is a “code name”. So allow me to digress a moment to dispel this dumb ass idea. First off, the death of Tracy Bond is a major event in the series. It is also referenced numerous times in other films staring four different Bond actors: Lazenby, Moore, Dalton, and Brosnan. This would lead us to assume that James Bond is the same man across all the Eon produced films. Additionally, it is nonsensical to believe that each secret agent that takes up the mantle of “James Bond” would ALSO have been married to a woman named Tracy who was later killed. What are the odds? Of course Lazenby infamously breaks the fourth wall in OHMSS by referring to Connery (“this never happened to the other fellow”) but later he is seen going through various trinkets seen in prior films, implying that he and Connery are in fact the same James Bond. Therefore all pre-Daniel Craig actors, from Connery to Brosnan, are the same James Bond. The Craig era is a hard reboot of the series and therefore exists in a timeline of its own. It would make zero sense for MI6 to assign various agents across the decades the same name and code. That’s fucking stupid and this theory needs to be put to bed.
Anyways, back to the erasure of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Now I have zero proof of what I’m about to allege, but it is well known that by this time, the relationship between producers Cubby Broccoli and Harry Salzman was on the fritz. At this point in production history, the two were alternating lead producer responsibilities from one film to the next. Saltzman produced On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. That means Broccoli produced Diamonds Are Forever. I know what you’re thinking: “so you’re saying Broccoli tried to fuck over Saltzman by trying to make audiences forget On Her Majesty’s Secret Service?”. And the answer is yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.
And folks, I’ve only discussed the first minute and half of this film. Now’s let’s move on to the other hour and 58 minutes….
I’ve never had a bad word to say about 1971’s Diamonds Are Forever. To be honest, I classify it as an art form in and of itself. It’s not a movie; it remains a historical artifact of what happens when film producers have an infinite amount of money and zero fucks to give.
Even its leading man, the late great Sean Connery, couldn’t be bothered to lie about why he returned to the role. It was for the money, obviously, then a record sum. And when you watch the movie, it is obvious that no other person in the history of the planet made an easier $1 million. Producers and audiences didn’t care. They didn’t need Connery to act. They only needed him to show up.
So let’s hop right into the “film”:
If you think about it, this is actually a good cold open: James Bond throws a Japanese man through a paper wall, punches an Egyptian man in the face, and strangles a hooker with her bikini. And that brings us to roughly the minute and half mark. Now I know it sounds racist and misogynistic when I explain that way. But this is Connery’s Bond. I’m just telling you what happened.
But back to the hooker strangulation part, it’s important to point out that that Connery was roughly 4 years out from his previous Bond film You Only Live Twice. But it looks closer to 40 years. Usually when actors are cast in physically demanding roles, they do things like, you know, get in shape. But this is the genius of Connery: he didn’t. And good for him. He provided us with the greatest dad bod, the likes of which would not be seen again until Kelsey Grammar in Frasier. What’s more alarming is that Connery looked noticeably younger and fitter 12 years later in Never Say Never Again. So I applaud Connery. It’s nice to see him get in one more fuck you to Eon Productions before leaving them for good.
It was painfully obvious that Connery was in no way committed to the role. Again, back to the strangulation scene, this was where the actor reveals his face and reintroduces the character: my name’s Bond…James Bond. It’s important to note that everyone…audiences and producers alike…wanted Connery back. This introduction was to give the audience exactly what they wanted. But Connery and director Guy Hamilton zigged when perhaps they should have zagged. Instead of appearing as the cool and suave spy that we came to love, Bond introduces himself like he’s your new pervy neighbor. If I could go back in time and be a fly on the wall, I wouldn’t go see the Pyramids being built or Caesar crossing the Rubicon or any of that shit. I would go back in time to watch this scene be filmed. The reveal of Bond’s face seems like it was a first take. Maybe Connery refused to do a second. Now I’m no Steven Spielberg, but if I were Guy Hamilton, I would have taken the actor aside and said “hey, with this scene, we’re telling the audience that Sean Connery is BACK as James Bond. So when you walk down those steps in that godawful Terry cloth button-up, play it a little cool, ya know? Just like you did in Dr. No.” But that’s not what we got. Instead the whole presentation felt rushed and careless which was an ominous sign of things to come…
Every night I wake up in a pool of my own sweat then look into the mirror to stare into the eyes of a man I don’t recognize. Life has become a meaningless void; an absolute senseless abyss where joy, love, and happiness are only a mirage. “Who am I” I ask myself. “Must every waking hour be so painful?”
Where does the suffering end?
It’s for this reason why I find so much comfort in 1967s You Only Live Twice, the fifth installment of the James Bond series. It’s old timey racism, antiquated attitudes towards women, and nonsensical plot that was written by the champion of the British Empire and captain of nonsense himself, Roald Dahl, that really highlights the madness of existence.
It was at this point in the series where Sean Connery gave up. Clearly just there to fulfill contractual obligations, Connery meanders through the film as someone who would obviously rather be on the golf course. Personally I prefer his lackadaisical performance in Diamonds Are Forever, but it was clear here that Connery still cared, however slightly, about his physical appearance. Quite frankly, his acting fits the film perfectly; it’s easy for the audience to emote vicariously through Connery. How else are we to react to producers and screenwriters clearly giving up their creative integrity for what amounted to an obvious cash grab?
The film starts with astronauts being hilariously kidnapped and the supposed “death” of James Bond. I have a lot of questions about this cold open. Bond is introduced as he’s making out with a “Chinese girl” (Miss Moneypenny’s words) and seconds later he’s gunned down. The police show up, pronounce him dead, with one of them saying “at least he died on the job” and the other responding “he would have wanted it that way”.
First off, how the fuck would those officers know what James Bond wanted? Did he know these guys?! Later, when Bond is revived, it is revealed that the death was staged by MI6. So was the Chinese girl in on the operation? Did the gunmen know?! I mean, it appeared as though they were firing real bullets. So was the Chinese girl acting as a double agent, baiting the gunmen into a scenario where they thought they would kill James Bond but she secretly knew that the whole thing was staged? That’s the only sensible explanation but she acted as though she was also trying to kill him!
And then, after Bond is revived on the submarine, M asks something along the lines of “any adverse effects?” which I assume means that Bond was drugged from the time of his faked death to the moment of his arrival on the submarine. So was he out the entire time? Was 007 so drugged that it fooled the doctors during his autopsy?! How long does it take between being pronounced dead and one’s funeral? Three days to a week? Did Bond not drink or eat the entire time? Who the hell was in on this thing?!!!
It is well established that Bond is a commander in the Royal Navy and M is a former admiral, and while on the submarine both are in uniform, but is Miss Moneypenny an officer too? Why does she have a uniform? I guess it makes sense given the confidential information she handles, but no where is her service to the Royal Navy ever established!
And the reason for James Bond’s published death is so that, according to M, 007’s enemies will pay a little less attention to him so that he can focus on the mission at hand. The problem is, if memory serves, at this point in the franchise’s history only SPECTRE is his enemy, and, as is established only 20 minutes later in the bath scene, it appears that Bond suspects SPECTRE is behind the incident from the very beginning. Did Bond not share this with MI6 before they dropped him off in Japan? He already killed Goldfinger, his only other enemy. Did Bond think he was going to capture SPECTRE by surprise? What was the point in faking his death?!
If the point was to get SPECTRE off his scent, then he did a very, very shitty job. Being a 6’2 Scotsman in Japan, Bond was going to stick out like a sore thumb. In fact, he is spotted by Japanese intelligence almost immediately while walking around openly in Tokyo. Sure, they were expecting him but maybe they should have chosen a less conspicuous rendezvous point than a sumo match.
And folks, this is just in the first 15 minutes.
Later, a little over halfway through the film, Bond takes a wife and his physical appearance is altered to appear more Japanese. And ladies and gentlemen, none of this serves the plot whatsoever. In fact, it’s completely abandoned almost as immediately as it’s introduced.
Directed by Lewis Gilbert, what’s great about You Only Live Twice is that its plot (or the lack thereof) is basically repurposed two more times within the franchise, both times directed by Gilbert. So Lewis Gilbert has the distinction of being the only director to make the same film three times. Producer Albert R. “Cubby” Broccoli watched this movie and thought “yeah, I want to do that again. And once more for good measure.”
But personally I think that the crowning achievement of You Only Live Twice is that the filmmakers took a long hard look at life and their involvement in James Bond, realized it was all bullshit, said ‘fuck it, let’s get paid’, and turned it into spectacle of the highest order. As a result, cinema has never been the same.
*Note: Okay, so I forgot about the scene with Mr. Henderson who explains that a Japanese corporation could possibly be behind the disappearance of the space capsule. This might be where Bond begins to suspect SPECTRE. But still, it’s a shitty plan to fake your death and then walk around in public just days later.
Sean Connery went through an awkward phase immediately after leaving the James Bond franchise. It wasn’t until the 1980s, when he started getting the “elder mentor” roles, that he finally got his groove back. So I think it’s best if we forget most of the crap he did in the 1970s.
Case in point
That being said, there was one bright spot:
Goddamnit!
I’m of course talking about The Offense, released in 1973 and directed by Sidney Lumet. The only reason why United Artists agreed to make this picture was to lure Connery back into the James Bond franchise. As a result, Connery returned for Diamonds Are Forever, which I think we should all be thankful for because Connery was in PEAK physical form.
The perfect male specimen
Although the 70s were mostly a wash for Connery, his strongest performance did come in The Offense. In the film, he plays a seasoned police detective who suddenly has a mental breakdown while investigating a child predator. As a result, he beats a suspect to death during interrogation.
At the time, Connery was interested in breaking away from the shadow of James Bond. The result was a performance that we never really saw from him again. This is probably the only film where the Scottish actor actually demonstrated his range.
The highlight of the film, of course, is the interrogation scenes with just him and actor Ian Bannon. Both actors really run through the gambit of emotions, both getting the better of each other at different points. The often quoted line from this scene comes from Bannon’s character: “Nothing I have done can be one half as bad as the thoughts in your head.”
The screenplay by John Hopkins really carries the day, but one thing that I wasn’t expecting was how well the film looks. The production design combined with the cinematography creates a brooding atmosphere that seems to mirror the mind of Connery’s character. If I have one complaint though, it’s Sidney Lumet’s direction. It’s a minor issue, but the movie feels a bit too staged as actor’s movements sometimes appear over choreographed. This is especially apparent in the scene where Connery belittles his wife. The script is based on a play so it’s understandable why the movie feels like a theater production, but still, film is a different kind of medium and directors should better adapt the material for the screen.
Nevertheless, this is a great movie as it provided Connery with an opportunity to ACT as opposed to relying on his natural charisma.
To my readers: now that I’ve finished my book, I will begin the process of getting caught up on ALL of your blogs. Thank you for your patience and support 🙏🙏🙏
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