Tag: Roger Ebert

Two thumbs up!

So while I was contemplating my mortality and the meaninglessness of existence it suddenly occurred to me: now would be the perfect time to make a movie about Siskel and Ebert.

But who would be willing to make such a low stakes dream about two unsexy guys that talk about movies? Well to me, the choice is clear: it’s Ben Affleck. What makes that choice so appealing is that not only can Affleck perform behind the camera, but he perform in front of it as none other than Gene Siskel. Just lose 50lbs, throw on a bald cap, and BAM…you have the film critic from the Chicago Tribune. Even better to play opposite of him would be his good buddy Matt Damon as Roger Ebert. Affleck can transfer some of his lost weight over to Damon, throw on a wig, and now we have the Pulitzer Prize-winning critic from the Chicago Sun-Times. It would be a great irony to have two very hot actors from the 90s play the very misshapen critics that reviewed them earlier in their careers.

The source material for this film would of course be Matt Singer’s Opposable Thumbs: How Siskel and Ebert Changed Movies Forever. Reading that book you realize that their on screen rivalry wasn’t a put on. They genuinely had a sibling-like love/hate relationship with each other. While Ebert was no saint (there’s one instance earlier in the show’s history that had me shaking my head), Siskel was so competitive that he’d deliberately do things to fuck with his co-worker’s career outside of the show. As the series progressed, their relationship became more cordial, but Siskel kept his battle with cancer mostly private with Ebert not knowing the full extent of it until it was too late. Ebert was hurt by this until his own death in 2013.

Would people be willing to go to the theaters to watch this? Fuck no! This is straight to Amazon Prime shit. Which is strange considering the subject material is about two guys who go to the theaters. But I think there’s enough elder millennials and Gen Xers who clamoring for this kind of stuff. So Ben Affleck should get to pulling the trigger on this project.

another shot @ the title (part vi)

“This proceeding has been a disgrace to the Los Angeles Superior Court, to the State of California, and to the justice system as a whole,” the judge ruled. “I have no choice but to rule in favor of the plaintiff. James ACHOO 🤧…excuse me, I sneezed…will get full credit for directing AND writing Like A Fart in the Wind. But do not count this as a victory James. With your reputation for belittling and suppressing governments and various newspapers around the globe, I deem you to be a menace to society. Unfortunately, this is a civil case and not a criminal one. But I have seen the final cut of this film. I am doing Dallas Howard Austin Antonio and Pee-Wee Weepee a favor for not giving them credit for this picture. I can’t think of anything worse than giving you, James, sole credit for this disaster.”

“Thank you for your ruling,” I said to the Judge. “But with all due respect, I believe you to be a bitch that wouldn’t know art if it bit her in the cunt. I believe this picture to be my finest work….far exceeding This Tastes Like Ass. Court stenographer, take note: Like a Fart in the Wind will be the greatest motion picture ever made. Thank you and good day.”

I walked outside the courtroom where Pablo greeted me with a cigar and bottle of brandy. “You were brilliant,” Pablo said. “With the attention that the case brought to the project, this movie is on pace for being the highest grossing film ever made.”

“Any publicity is good publicity,” I replied.

I lit up the cigar. “You know Pablo,” I continued, “I just want to thank you for bringing me back into the game. If I went on with retirement, I would have been dead in a year. Now I feel more alive than ever.”

Pablo cracked open the brandy and we began drinking at the courthouse. “James, you’re a rare talent,” he said. “After this film succeeds at the box office, I have the feeling that this will be the beginning of a beautiful partnership.”

We both patted each other on the back and shared a few laughs as we walked down the courthouse steps and into the beautiful California sunset.

****

From the Idaho Statesman

“He Will Never Work in This Town Again“ says Steven Spielberg

By Dick Shaftsburg

“Hollywood is in a panic over the abysmal opening weekend of Like A Fart in a Windstorm. It grossed $1,500 against a $10 Billion budget.

Produced by Kathleen Kennedy of Trainwreck Productions, and directed by (name redacted due to ongoing legal disputes between the individual and the Idaho Statement. Henceforth, he will be referred to as the “Director”), the project was fraught with problems from the beginning…from various court cases to the death of its leading actor, Christian Bale.

Critics panned Like a Fart in a Windstorm from the beginning. Leonard Maltin stated that, “I’d rather have tweezers shoved up my pee hole than watch this shit again. Christian Bale deserved better.” Even Roger Ebert came back from the dead to ask, “Who was the leading character? Was it Christian Bale? Or was it his disgusting ass cheeks?”

After her firing from Trainwreck Productions, Kathleen Kennedy has become the first woman to have been exiled from the United States to Saskatchewan, Canada, often called the “hairy taint of North America.”

Meanwhile, the Director has gone missing. Given his obscene wealth, he’s likely in Namibia where Prime Minister Wesley Snipes has named him Finance and Defense Minister, as well as Attorney General.

Given the poor box office performance of Like a Fart in the Wind, it is unlikely the Director will return to Hollywood. In addition to his professional troubles, he is also under investigation by the EU, UN, and FBI for allegations regarding human trafficking, racketeering, and bribery of numerous foreign governments.

“If I had known that I was going to be in the same profession as him (the Director),” explained acclaimed Hollywood legend David Lynch, “I would have prostituted my asshole years ago.”

“He’s a disgrace,” said Martin Scorsese. “Just a total disaster, just like Shutter Island.”

THE END