I may never see the seven wonders
I may never sail the open sea
I may never dance beneath the stars
I may never fly the skies of Mars
I may never touch the snows of Kilimanjaro
I may never taste the wine of Prosecco
I may never float the canals of Venice
I may never have a gigantic penis
I may never cross the River Jordan
I may never see a naked woman
But of all the things I may never be….
At least I don’t watch Loki
So I was dropping acid at a Hoobastank concert when I got punched in the face.
“What the hell man!” I yelled.
“Oh, sorry sir, I thought you were my wife.”
Unfortunately it was at that moment when the acid kicked in. By the time band played “Naked Jock Man”, I was on an intergalactic journey with Carl Sagan.
I woke up in the ICU and the lady doctor told me that I had a “concussion and picked up an STD.” After I was discharged, I went up to the doctor and asked:
“Hey, wanna get a drink?”
“I don’t date patients,” she replied.
“Who said that this was a date? It’s just two people getting together over drinks.“
“Sir, you have hepatitis A, B, and C. You’re on the verge of both kidney and liver failure. You obviously have a massive pill addiction. AND you have crippling diabetes. If you don’t change your lifestyle right now, you will be dead in four years,” she told me.
What a fucking bitch.
Could’ve just said “no”.
So I was watching porn on my work computer when I heard the sounds of death blasting from my co-worker’s phone.
I said, “Dale, what are you watching?”
He said, “It’s a documentary about the Battle of Tannenberg during World War I. It was a nightmarish time in global affairs. Men were senselessly butchered for the sake of gaining a few yards on the battlefield. How callous were such leaders? To permit the deaths of so, so many people? Is human life that meaningless to those in power? How could god permit such suffering? Have we been forsaken?”
“We’ll keep it down over there,” I replied.
So I went back to minding my own business when I heard Dale loading his Colt Cobra.
I said, “Dale, so help me god, if you don’t quiet down I will grab that gun and use it myself.”
“Sorry,” he replied “I’m just a little suicidal from my multiple bankruptcy filings and sexual assault charges.”
“Don’t worry about it.” I said
Finally when there was a little peace and quiet, Dale comes around the corner pointing his gun at me and crying profusely.
“I’m sorry Jim”, he says. “Everyone has abandoned me. My wife left. And my kids won’t talk to me.”
“So what do you want from me, Dale?” I replied. “My wallet? The keys to my car?”
“I want someone to listen to me for once in my life! I had a very lonely childhood. My parents never listened to me, I had no friends. I suffered from dyslexia and all my teachers thought I was stupid. Just absolutely stupid! I’m not a bad person. I’m just misunderstood and have been my entire life. Just for once, I want someone to understand me! That’s all I’ve ever wanted!”
Out of frustration, Dale fired his Colt directly into my computer. We stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, not knowing what would happen next. As I looked into Dale’s eyes in terror, I knew that he didn’t have the heart to shoot me. He was just a broken man and out of options.
Finally, he laid the gun down and sat down then buried his head in his hands. We both sat in silence for a few moments.
“Well,” I said. “How about I just give you my wallet.”
“I’m James and I’m an alcoholic,” I was told to say in AA. “I’ve wasted the last several years of my life. I’ve lost my career, my family, and respect…all because I can’t stop drinking. I’d do anything to get it all back. But it doesn’t work that way. Yet today is a new day, and hopefully coming here will be the first of many steps towards getting my life back together.”
“Thanks for sharing, James,” the crowd said back.
Then my sponsor said “I’m Jack, I’m an alcoholic, and I hate k——— and ——— and fuck the Dutch too.” He then gave a 20 minute racist tirade in front of 50 people.
“But Jack”, I said “My kids are Vietnamese. Do you hate them too?”
“I hate anyone who ——— then ———- and ———- my penis!”, he replied.
With the crowd stunned, Jack yelled “this is where you can stick the Big Book!” Then he dropped his pants and exposed his anus.
Since I haven’t seen Jack in weeks, I have to find a new sponsor. And without a sponsor, AA bylaws don’t require sobriety 🤷♂️
What a weird organization.
They say Rome wasn’t built in a day.
They say you can’t count your chickens before they hatch.
They say you can’t shit where you eat.
They say I should seek therapy because everyone’s worried about me.
They say I have a drinking problem and that I shouldn’t mix downers with downers.
They say I have crippling debt and that I am months away from homelessness
Hi I’m James. And maybe they’re right. What do I know? Well let me tell you a little about myself.
I was born outside of a Denny’s in Scottsbluff, Nebraska in either late 1979 or 1981 depending on who you believe. I attended Norhwestern on an athletic scholarship, but was suspended for PED usage, and, in the words of the university, “cockfighting”.
So I hit the road. I hit up every strip club and drug den from Baton Rouge to New Orleans. I learned a lot about myself on that trip. I learned that sometimes growing up means putting your pants on one leg at a time. Sometimes it’s about changing your pants. Sometimes your pants just aren’t long enough and you accidentally expose your wiener.
But the most important thing in life is this: show up to court on time and pay all of your fines.
So I actually know quite a lot. And if you stick around, you might learn something too.
So stay tuned my friends….
The Internet Ruined Everything 