Tag: Pierce Brosnan

License Renewed

With all the turmoil in the world, from tariffs to climate change; from war to fascism, there’s still one hero we can depend on. His name is Bond, James Bond.

Specifically Pierce Brosnan’s James Bond.

We all know by now that the Broccolis folded and handed over power to Jeff Bezos and the Amazon Empire. If Star Wars has taught us anything, we know that this will likely lead to disaster and total ruin for this once proud franchise.

I will go on record as saying that I don’t necessarily support Pierce Brosnan’s return to the role. Some fans have expressed the need for closure and that the Irish actor might’ve gotten a raw deal when his era came to a close. While I sympathize with this sentiment, I feel that this franchise, or any franchise really, needs to move forward and never look back if it wants to progress. But with this new regime, we know that bad decisions will be made. So with that said, if Amazon wants to bring Brosnan back for one more outing, here’s how it should go down:

License Renewed directed by Martin Campbell

Synopsis:

Xavier Rhodes (Peter Dinklage) has acquired an old Russian nuclear arsenal with plans to disrupt Chinese and US relations. But known only M16, this is actually a covert a plot to lure James Bond (Pierce Brosnan) out of retirement for revenge over a mission gone wrong 20 years earlier. Bond enlists the help of nuclear weapons expert Christmas Jones (Denise Richards) and Chinese agent Wai Lin (Michelle Yeoh) to foil the plot.

Yes, you read that right: I’m bringing Denise Richards BACK. And my reasoning is simple: the arc of the story is redemption. Her character and acting were heavily criticized in The World is Not Enough and it’s time she gets redeemed. Richards is 54 years old. She seems much more surly and no nonsense now and I pray to god that her acting skills has sharpened. To begin the story, I imagine Dr. Christmas Jones now a professor at some shitty college in the midwest and is tired of her students’ shit. Then James Bond re-enters her life and asks her “why didn’t you call?”. She responds sarcastically with “yeah, ‘I thought Christmas only comes once a year’ is definitely a line to win a girl’s heart.”

Christmas is the main Bond girl. At 70 years old, we don’t want 007 hitting on college aged girls, so we need to reintroduce established characters. Brosnan actually had a pretty strong run with Bond women which is why we need to see what became of Wai Lin. Yeoh’s resurgent popularity would appeal Amazon’s pocketbook so her return only seems natural. But it would come with the understanding that their fling in Tomorrow Never Dies was just that: a fling. The real romantic tension is between Bond and Christmas Jones as he drags her grumpy ass around the world before realizing that maybe she likes this old goofball.

As for James Bond himself, the present day story begins with the former agent enjoying retirement in the south of France. He’s tear-assing his Aston Martin DB5 through the hills in a callback to Goldeneye as he tries to woo some old fluzy. Unfortunately the woman realizes that Bond is too dangerous so she rejects his advances. Unbothered by this, Bond returns home to find his old M16 watch urging him to report to HQ. Believing this to be an error, he calls London where they tell him that the message is legitimate. He hangs up the phone and looks at his watch. “I’ll be damned. It still works,” he says.

He returns to London where he meets with Ralph Fiennes’ M. Also in the office is Samantha Bond as Miss Moneypenny where she informs 007 that she’s counting down the days to collect her pension. Meanwhile, Bond’s casual attire and Hawaiian shirt clashes with M’s stiff Brit style. M doesn’t believe that this current threat from Rhodes is of much concern so he wants it resolved as quickly and quietly as possible, which is why he’s assigning the weaselly 002 to accompany him. Bond visits with Q and he’s disappointed when he’s only issued practical gadgets. “Don’t I get an exploding pen?” he quips. Bond goes to America to collect Christmas Jones and they ditch 002’s ass somewhere in Asia and they pursue Rhodes on their own. The plot unfolds and is revealed to be much deeper than M had presumed.

If Amazon wants to make this movie, this needs to be a REAL James Bond movie, meaning we need the gun barrel, a cold open, a theme song, a mission, and an explosive final. As for the gun barrel, do you want a 70 year old man to roll out and shoot the screen? I’ll let you decide. But my solution is to just reuse Brosnan’s footage from the 90s and the cold open starts 20 years ago with a SLIGHTLY de-aged Brosnan running around and shooting people just like in the old days. This character also introduces us to Dinklage’s Xavier Rhodes and sets up the main plot.

After the heaviness of No Time to Die, it’s important to inject some levity back into the series. At the end of License Renewed, Bond doesn’t die. Rhodes is killed and 007 rides off into the sunset with Christmas Jones where they are once again caught making love. When they are finished, Jones looks at Bond and sternly tells him “don’t fucking say it!”

Credits roll.

JAMES BOND WILL RETURN

The 90s Reevaluated

Sorry, still sick so here’s another phoned in post.

Pierce Brosnan has been blowing up my news feed for whatever reason. I guess he’s playing some superhero or whatever, but I don’t watch that stuff. Unfortunately this has created a lot of (likely clickbait) opinion pieces that reevaluate his James Bond tenure.

I’ve always placed Goldeneye in the top 5 Bond films, which is where most 007 fans have historically placed it. But there’s a massive drop off with Brosnan’s other three films. The consensus is that while Brosnan could have been a great James Bond, his movies were either mediocre or terrible.

Or, I should say, this WAS the consensus during the Daniel Craig era.

Now that Craig’s moody and brooding Bond is dead and gone, perceptions on Brosnan’s portrayal have shifted. Craig’s 007 matched the times while Brosnan’s seemed clownish by comparison.

But after two years of a pandemic, record high inflation, and superhero movies flooding the theaters, audiences seem primed for a more tongue in cheek James Bond. So the Daniel Craig era is looking more passé by the second.

People are looking to return to a simpler time. And the most (relatively) simpler times in recent memory is the 1990s. At least this is my best explanation for why Pierce Brosnan is undergoing a micro-renaissance.

As a side note, the Star Trek: Next Generation films (which were also released in 90s) are being reevaluated. This is probably due to the cast returning for the final season of Picard. So Generations, released in 1994 and which infamously killed the original Captain Kirk, is being discussed again.

Why I bring this up is because a fourth “Kelvin era” Trek film, starring Chris Pine as nu-Captain Kirk, has stalled for probably the 10,000th time (thank god). While that (hopefully) means we won’t ever see Zachary Quinto as Spock and Karl Urban as McCoy again, that does NOT mean we won’t see Pine as Kirk again.

Why?

Because as any Trek fan can tell you, while Shatner’s Kirk was killed in Generations, technically his existence is preserved in some “ribbon” that floats around in space where time doesn’t mean anything blah blah blah. And this “ribbon” hasn’t been mentioned in Star Trek since.

So you can see where I’m going with this: when another Trek film makes it to the streaming services sometime this decade, the original Captain Kirk will be pulled out of this ribbon to be played not by William Shatner but by, you guessed it, Chris Pine.

Anyways, enjoy the 2020s, aka the 90s Reloaded.