Tag: Penthouse

And yet another shot at the title (part xxxv)

After dinner, which was huevos rancheros, Slick Rick tried to tell me about his six year old daughter whose name was Sandy, or Sally, or Shannon or some shit. “She’s already in Mensa!” he proudly said.

“Yeah yeah yeah,” I told him. “Where’s Cornelius?”

Rick shrugged. “His room probably.”

So I sauntered upstairs to his son’s room where I found Cornelius shouting antiquated racial slurs to some Polish kids over his headset. He was playing some shoot-em-up game on his PS19. The room was littered with grape soda bottles and reeked of piss.

“Knock knock,” I said.

“Sup,” Cornelius replied without taking his eyes off the game.

“So being as I’m probably your grandpa and all, I was wondering if you’d like to come on set for the next movie I’m about to shoot.”

“Will there be bare titties there?” he said, eyes still glued to the screen.

“You know it,” I told him. “And afterwards, you can come to my house in the hills and I’ll show you my massive Penthouse collection.”

“Do you have the old ones where the girls have massive bushes?”

“Of course.”

“Hmm,” Cornelius pondered. “Yeah I guess.”

“Great!” I exclaimed. “I’ll have a limo pick you up next Tuesday and take you to Burbank!”

“Whatever dude.”

“I’ll see you next week.”

“Sure.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

A masterful train wreck

I didn’t know that famed porno director Tinto Brass was still alive. But at 90, he surviving on his pure, unadulterated hatred for Bob Guccione (who died in 2010). According to recent reports, Tinto is still fighting to keep his name off the recent version of Caligula, which, according to Malcolm McDowell, was released at Cannes. Brass argues that editing is an important part of his directing process, and since he wasn’t involved in editing any version of Caligula…including the latest one…it’s not his film.

I’m sort of with Brass on this. Not because I give a shit about the integrity of his “process”, but because producers and Penthouse executives need to leave well enough alone. Caligula is a cult classic. It’s flaws, inexplicable porno shots, and incoherent plot are actually what make that movie memorable. It’s sort of perfect in its own unique, stupid way. Despite the protests of the talent involved, I don’t think there’s any way to cut Caligula into a great, or even good, film.

But I get it. It’s sort of embarrassing to have a film written by Gore Vidal, and starring Malcolm McDowell, Helen Mirren, Peter O’Toole, and John Gielgud get reduced to a hardcore porno. I feel McDowell’s frustrations in his Instagram post. He gave a performance of a lifetime that perhaps doesn’t get recognized due to the film’s controversy.

But I had a similar concern when Peter Bogdanovich announced that he was finishing Orson Welles’ The Other Side of the Wind for Netflix. What was fascinating about The Other Side was that IT WAS unfinished. It fit Welles’ reputation perfectly: he couldn’t finish a film, and The Other Side of the Wind was supposed to be his magnum opus. There was no way that the finished product could have matched our expectations, especially since Welles couldn’t be involved in finishing it (because he died in 1985).

Good for McDowell. He might finally be recognized for his hard work. But Caligula will always be remembered as an expensive, and violent, hardcore porno film starring the best talent that money could buy. Of course it was a train wreck, but it was a beautiful one at that 👍