So I was just minding my own business while loitering in the Publix parking lot when I saw a guy driving a light blue car with an Ole Miss license plate and Ole Miss bumper stickers all over the back. When he stepped out of the car, he was wearing an Ole Miss polo with an Ole Miss hat.
So I stopped the man. “Excuse me, sir, I’m confused,” I said, “where did you go to college?”
He stood there and stared blankly at me. “Ole Miss,” he finally said.
“Ole Miss? Is that a college?”
“Yes. It’s the University of Mississippi.”
“The University of Mississippi you say? Is that in Mississippi?”
“That’s great! I’m a fan of bulldogs and cowbells too!”
“That’s Mississippi STATE University, sir. I went to the University of Mississippi.”
“You guys don’t have cowbells and bulldogs?”
“No. We’re the Rebels.”
“The Rebels? Like in Star Wars?”
“I don’t understand. If it’s not against Darth Vader and the Galactic Empire, I can’t imagine what you’d be rebelling against.”
“It’s rebels from the South during the Civil War.”
“They were rebelling against slavery, right?”
“So they were rebelling FOR slavery?”
“Look, it’s just a college mascot.”
“But that’s racist sir. You’re fucked up,” I said while wagging my finger. “You should really be ashamed of yourself…”
Finally the staff called the cops and I’m now banned from Publix for three months. Smh…I can’t believe the nerve of some people. 😔
This is part 1 (of 758 parts) of dissertation on college football uniforms. I will be grading EVERY uniform in the Power 5 conferences and the Group of 5 schools. Later, they will be going head to head in a playoff system that I will completely pull out of my ass.
So let’s begin with the Southeastern Conference (SEC).
The SEC, which currently consists of 14 schools, is commonly known as the toughest conference in college football. However, in my view, they have the weakest uniforms.
The Alabama Crimson Tide may be the greatest college program in football history but their uniforms suck ass. Their mascot is an elephant with a limp trunk. You’d think with as many titles as they have, their mascot’s trunk would be fully erect and slapping opposing counterparts around. So that’s a missed opportunity. Plus, they have numbers on the side of their helmets. Grow the fuck up!
13. Texas A&M
Maroon is a very popular college color. But I don’t give a shit. It’s boring, plus the A&M font sucks. Additionally, the A&M logo looks like “ATM”.
12. Mississippi State
Watching Miss St. and A&M play is one of the most confusing things you’ll ever see. That being said, Miss St. does a lot better job at rocking the maroon, plus the logo with a simple ‘M’ and ‘State’ draped over it ain’t too shabby. Simple, but effective.
11. South Carolina
I want to like this uniform, but again, the maroon-ish color is killing me. That’s a pretty good helmet though and the black alternatives are kinda dope. And kudos to any team that calls themselves “Gamecocks”. 👍
Congrats to Vandy for not being the worst in this category. I like the name ‘Commodores’. I like that they have Lionel Ritchie as their mascot. Pretty solid logo and helmet. But that black and gold is kinda ‘meh’.
I hate Arkansas. Both the state and everyone in it. The football program can kiss my ass too. But ‘Razorbacks’ is pretty good name and the logo ain’t to shabby either. As for the uniforms, they’re pretty basic, but the cardinal red really pops.
Goddamn I want to love this uniform. People talk shit about the checkered orange pattern from time to time, but that design makes sense. A lot of interstate construction crews run through Tennessee, so those colors are an accurate representation of that state. The problem is that not enough is done with this bold color scheme. The ‘T’ logo is pretty bland to boot. The alternative grays aren’t too bad though.
As you’ll find out, I’m quite generous to teams that sport orange. I don’t particularly like navy blue, but its pairing with burnt orange pays off here. My issue with this uniform though is the white helmet and pants. If they went for a solid navy blue across, it would probably be one of the best in sports.
This is just a solid uniform throughout. Though honestly, I wish they ditch the navy blue and run with the cardinal red and light blue full time.
First off, fuck Tim Tebow. Secondly, he looked pretty badass donning the orange and blue. While Florida’s colors pop a little better than Auburn’s, they still suffer from the same problem: the white pants for home games. Ditch the white and go full blue. But the helmet is a thing of beauty.
Nice uniform but that Georgia logo looks a little too familiar. Now This is one of the rare uniforms that I think looks BETTER in its away form. The red helmet with the solid white is really sharp. And fuck Stetson Bennett too.
As with Georgia, the white away jerseys mesh really well with the helmets. Kentucky thankfully uses a a fully blue uniform for home games. I don’t even mind the checkered sleeves (which they probably stole from Tennessee). And don’t get me started on those silver helmets 🥰🥰🥰
I’ve said before that gold (or yellow) and black are probably the two strongest colors a team could put together. And I’m saying it again here.
1. Louisiana State
The helmet alone, in both its white and yellow forms, is enough to propel LSU into the top spot. This means that LSU gets an automatic bid into the tournament (seeding to be determined). In truth, I don’t know if I actually like this uniform or if I just feel sorry for the people of Louisiana (for having to live there). Either way, congrats to LSU for advancing.