Stop fartin’ around. Get out of your elderly uncle’s basement. Change your underwear. Take a shower. Wash your cock. Then hawk some of your uncle’s medications to help pay $9.99 for your paperback copy of Vanitas on Amazon.com
I bribed the Hartford Courant to call Vanitas a “solid work from a mentally incompetent author” while Dick Cheney said he’d “rather be in hell than finish this book” just before he died.
So what are you waiting for? It’s only $9.99! Don’t be a fuckin cheapskate!
Last night I announced that Anaideia will be published in book form sometime soon. I’m on my third or fourth draft so far and I’ll probably have it ready before the end of the year. It’s an unusual story and if submitted, I’m sure publishers will have plenty of notes about changes that I will be unwilling to make. I am nothing without my artistic integrity. Therefore it will be self published. Because of my beef with Amazon over their hostile takeover of James Bond, it is unlikely I will be self publishing with their services. I will let you know once I find an alternative method.
But news also dropped that Dead Star Press will be releasing Stories No One Should Read, a collection of short stories written by yours truly. It’s a game changer; a paradigm shift in English-language literature. This is the critical juncture where the decades old craft of shitposting becomes an elevated art form. Future critics will both praise and curse my name.
Now if you recall, the toilet factory convinced me, essentially at gunpoint, to return to school to quote “get a real fucking diploma”, end quote. So that will be taking effect next week. My time will be limited. Mind you, nothing will ever stop me from updating this blog, not even death. But posts might appear intermittently. I partially use this website to publish first drafts of long form content, which is what I did with Anaideia and will continue to do with kingdom of god. In fact, the latter will probably take more than a year to complete since it’s my first “serious” work. If I’m not able to maintain focus, then I will return to the good old days of shit posting.
With that said, Stories No One Should Read and Anaideia will probably be the last things I will publish for the next couple of years.
I tried to do one of those challenges where people write a book in a month. It didn’t work.
It’s a good story too: about some dumbass that works at a toilet factory whose boss gets kidnapped. All of this causes uproar in this small town. As the situation grows more absurd and contrived, our dumbass has to rescue his boss. I was exploring my contempt for politics and storytelling in general.
While I think about it, contempt is actually the driving force behind all of my writing. Whenever I begin to write, I have to hold back my urge to say “im gay suck my penis lolz.”
If I did ever write a finished work, it would go something like this:
“Chapter 1: Fuck you
Chapter 2: my dick is small
Chapter 3: my balls are too
Chapter 4: I’ve definitely had sex before
The eND“
Now if I read that, I’d think “that’s a damn good book.” But it would have an audience of exactly one person. Most people expect a novel to be “good”, and “have a story”, or whatever.
My style just doesn’t transfer into long form, immersive storytelling.
Nor into short form really. My way into writing a story consists of how many times I can say “penis”, “gay sex”, “cum”, and have people actually read it. That’s why “A Shot at the Title” is my finest short story. Honestly it’s a banger. Someone should probably give me an award for it. But most times, when the author doesn’t give a shit and hates their audience, the work’s just not gonna be good. Ya know?
That’s why I’ll probably never go back to writing on Medium or any other platform for that matter. I don’t think the shit I want to do would transfer over there. I have complete creative control over here. If I want to post a video of me spreading my ass and saying “this is what I think of Denmark”, no one can tell me no.
The Internet Ruined Everything 