Ranking the 50 States (the average/underrated states)

Like I said, there’s something that I hate about every US State. Really, they need to be done away with altogether. But the states on this list are alright, for the most part.

29. South Carolina

There’s a religious-like devotion to this state that I don’t understand. But, to be fair, if you can ignore the outright bigotry and hatred, you might find a pretty decent vacation spot that features a little bit of everything.

28. Wisconsin

If you are a full functioning alcoholic, I hear that Milwaukee is the town for you. And all Wisconsin residents swear up and down that something called “the dells” is pretty nice. Unfortunately, this state contains what we call “Green Bay Packers” fans, and that knocks it down a few pegs.

27. Oklahoma

People talk shit about Tulsa, but I’ve always had a good time there. Oklahoma City is nice. There’s a number of casinos (half of which I’ve been kicked out of). Outside of that, it is kind of a boring state. Except during tornado season. Gotta watch out for those.

26. Washington

“How fucking dare you not put us in the top 10!” Washington residents are thinking. But no! How fucking dare YOU, Washington residents! You guys lie to everyone about how beautiful and how many things there are to do in your state! But outside of the Seattle region…which is admittedly pretty cool…your state is BORING! And it’s about time someone said something!

25. Nebraska

“You’re ranking Nebraska above Washington?” you might be thinking. Yes. Nebraska is also a notoriously boring state, but at least the residents can admit that. Plus Lincoln is a pretty good college town.

24. Iowa

To be honest, I’m my mind, I think of Iowa as only a slightly better version of Nebraska. Sorry.

23. Montana

There’s some national parks, mountains, whatnot and whathaveyou. All of it beautiful. That’s enough to put it in the upper echelon. But outside of the land and some of its history, it’s actually kinda boring.

22. Kansas

“You’re putting Kansas above Washington and Montana?”…yes. Yes I am. Kansas is America’s bread basket. Plus, Kansas City, although mostly in Missouri, is a great fucking town and I’ll gladly give Kansas some of the credit. And a lot of you have been sleeping on Wichita. Shame…shame on all of you for not recognizing this sooner.

21. Indiana

Oh shit, I forgot about Indiana. Sorry Hoosiers, I overrated you guys.

20. West Virginia

Sure, you can’t throw a rock in West Virginia without hitting a meth lab. But make no mistake, this is a REAL ASS place. It ain’t for the weak. And I can respect that.

The Pitch: A Very Short Bio

They say Rome wasn’t built in a day.

They say you can’t count your chickens before they hatch.

They say you can’t shit where you eat.

They say I should seek therapy because everyone’s worried about me.

They say I have a drinking problem and that I shouldn’t mix downers with downers.

They say I have crippling debt and that I am months away from homelessness

Hi I’m James. And maybe they’re right. What do I know? Well let me tell you a little about myself.

I was born outside of a Denny’s in Scottsbluff, Nebraska in either late 1979 or 1981 depending on who you believe. I attended Norhwestern on an athletic scholarship, but was suspended for PED usage, and, in the words of the university, “cockfighting”.

So I hit the road. I hit up every strip club and drug den from Baton Rouge to New Orleans. I learned a lot about myself on that trip. I learned that sometimes growing up means putting your pants on one leg at a time. Sometimes it’s about changing your pants. Sometimes your pants just aren’t long enough and you accidentally expose your wiener.

But the most important thing in life is this: show up to court on time and pay all of your fines.

So I actually know quite a lot. And if you stick around, you might learn something too.

So stay tuned my friends….