Old miss

So I was just minding my own business while loitering in the Publix parking lot when I saw a guy driving a light blue car with an Ole Miss license plate and Ole Miss bumper stickers all over the back. When he stepped out of the car, he was wearing an Ole Miss polo with an Ole Miss hat.

So I stopped the man. “Excuse me, sir, I’m confused,” I said, “where did you go to college?”

He stood there and stared blankly at me. “Ole Miss,” he finally said.

“Ole Miss? Is that a college?”

“Yes. It’s the University of Mississippi.”

“The University of Mississippi you say? Is that in Mississippi?”

“Yes.”

“That’s great! I’m a fan of bulldogs and cowbells too!”

“That’s Mississippi STATE University, sir. I went to the University of Mississippi.”

“You guys don’t have cowbells and bulldogs?”

“No. We’re the Rebels.”

“The Rebels? Like in Star Wars?”

“No.”

“I don’t understand. If it’s not against Darth Vader and the Galactic Empire, I can’t imagine what you’d be rebelling against.”

“It’s rebels from the South during the Civil War.”

“They were rebelling against slavery, right?”

“No.”

“So they were rebelling FOR slavery?”

“Look, it’s just a college mascot.”

“But that’s racist sir. You’re fucked up,” I said while wagging my finger. “You should really be ashamed of yourself…”

Finally the staff called the cops and I’m now banned from Publix for three months. Smh…I can’t believe the nerve of some people. 😔

Ranking the 50 States (Bottom 10)

Personally, I think the idea of “states” is dumb and antiquated and they should be done away with altogether. But I’m gonna rank em anyway.

Here are the bottom 10:

50. Delaware

Besides being the first state and being suspiciously corporate friendly, there is nothing noteworthy going on with Delaware. The state could disappear tomorrow and no one would miss it.

49. Maryland

I was gonna rank Maryland higher, but fuck it. Fuck their flag too. AND their crabs. Along with Delaware, Maryland should become a real state by just joining Virginia.

48. Rhode Island

Oh, you’re the smallest state? That’s cool.

47. Mississippi

Congratulations on not being at the very bottom. I know a lot of Mississippi residents get pissed when you call their state a “shithole”. But it is by every conceivable metric. And I don’t understand the point in being very active in denying that.

46. Idaho

“Woah woah woah! What did we do to rank this low?” people from Idaho are wondering. Because other than potatoes, a blue football field, and Napoleon Dynamite, your state is boring AF.

45. Florida

Florida’s got nice beaches. But that’s where it ends. The cost of living is rising, half the state is about to be underwater, and drunk driving is the leading cause of death (based on stats I will not provide). Sure, all the new housing and buildings look nice, but it only masks the lingering anger and drug abuse issues everyone is experiencing.

44. Arkansas

Hot Springs, Conway, and Fayetteville are nice. Eureka Springs might be the coolest small town in America. Those are the only nice things I have to say.

43. Michigan

There’s something about this state that makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. Seriously, I can’t think about Michigan without getting a splitting headache.

42. Wyoming

If Wyoming is so nice, why does no one live there? 🤔

41. Illinois

I hate putting Illinois down this low. People hate Chicago, but that city’s never done anything to me. Everyone I’ve met from the Land of Lincoln have been lovely. It’s the least offensive state I can think of, and that might be what’s wrong with it.

40. North Dakota

Speaking of inoffensive, there’s also North Dakota.

Brett favre: real ass dude

https://news.yahoo.com/defendant-ex-governor-ordered-payments-232005570.html

Brett Farve is perilously close to being added to my real ass dude HOF. All he has to do now is kill someone and he’s automatically in.

Last I checked, Mississippi had just under 3 million people living there. Yet somehow Farve got himself involved in one of its biggest corruption scandals.

Allegedly, he didn’t know that he received embezzled money. But something tells me that it wasn’t because no one told him. It probably didn’t occur to him that what he was doing was unethical.

Hey, we all make our mistakes. But Brett Favre has a history of making mistakes that only real ass dudes make (making ill-advised throws, sending dick pics to reporters, wearing jorts, etc.)

So keep going Brett, you’re almost there. I’m rooting for ya!

what dreams may come

I’m a hard sleeper.

Nothing can, nothing will, wake me up. Construction, gun shots, home invasions, house fires, nuclear holocausts…nothing.

So I get to have incredible dreams. Last night, for example, I dreamt that I was a football player buried deep down the depth chart. The team boarded a plane en route to a game with the pilot both coked up and drunk. The pilot thought it would be cool to do a barrel roll in a passenger plane which caused some concern. I brushed it off and took a nap. When I awoke, the plane had to make an emergency landing onto a road but ended up crashing into an apartment building. No one was killed,miraculously, and the people in the building didn’t think anything unusual about it because it was in Mississippi and apparently things like that happen all the time. Nevertheless, one player thought this was the perfect opportunity to exact revenge…for whatever reasons…on the head coach and a few other players. So it was up to me, some nobody, to save the team.

Once when that was done, I had to book a flight home but chose to fly to London, England instead. The price came to $20,000 and I didn’t have the money. Then the dream ended.

There were dreams on the periphery, one which includes me fighting a rabbit in Monument Valley and sending it to a highly mechanized version of hell.

I guess dreams are just a hodgepodge of shit stored in our heads and when we sleep, our brains randomly throw things together which we later attempt to make sense of (or in my case, project a story onto). Does it ever mean anything? Probably not.

At least not most of the time.

But I do have recurring dreams. Not dreams where the exact same things happen, but they share similar themes, people, places, etc. I suppose that there are shreds of truth in these kinds of dreams: a revelation of regret, dread, loss, and so on.

I find the subject of dreams fascinating. It reveals the chaos that exists in our own minds. Even the purest of people will experience a gruesome nightmare. Despite their outward practices in real life, even in their minds they will produce true horror. That emanates completely from them. We try to project some sense onto our dreams, but the fact is that there isn’t any whatsoever.

We do the same thing to our reality.