Since I was totally ACCURATE in my Super Bowl LVI predictions (Matthew Stafford would go 97/439, 20 TDs to 400 INTs in a LOSS to Cincinnati. The only reason none of this came true is because the NFL is fucking RIGGED) I figured that I’d bless you all with another round of predictions.

So go ahead and write those checks because all of you are about to be MILLIONAIRES.

-Andy Reid will be calling plays from the stands while Matthew Black, his famous impersonator, will be on the sidelines.

-Travis Kelce will shit his pants before halftime. Wins Super Bowl MVP.

-Jalen Hurts will outperform Patrick Mahomes, completing 3 passes on 47 attempts for 394 yards and 1 TD (which will be called back due to an excessive celebration penalty)

-Drake will expose his penis. So will Chris Stapleton during the National Anthem.

-Nick Sirianni will make a questionable decision in the third quarter, calling for a field goal 79 yards out on a 2nd and 1. Jake Elliot will set the record for the longest kick (which will also be called back due to a taunting penalty)

-The KC offense will only have possession for two minutes during the entire game.

-On the final drive while in a trips formation, Hurts will drop a dime on AJ Brown who forgets which side of the ball he plays on. Brown runs in the opposite direction and is tackled in the end zone. Result of the play is a safety.

-Final score: 2-0, Kansas City

So like I said, I stand by my predictions. If you lose your house and marriage because none of these happened, feel free to reach out to DraftKings, BetMGM, or FanDuel.