Tag: Matthew McConaughey

Dude your getting a Buick

As I sat behind the wheel of my sleek new 2024 Buick Envista I asked myself a question: what happened to Ben Curtis, the actor who uttered the greatest marketing catchphrase of all time? (Come to find out, he was busted for marijuana in 2003) So with the mind of Don Draper, I consulted ChatGPT in an effort to put the great commercial thespian back to work. Here are the results:

“In a sleek, modern dealership, Matthew McConaughey, clad in his signature suit, saunters in with an air of mystique. As he approaches the reception desk, who else but Ben Curtis, the iconic ‘Dude, you’re getting a Dell’ guy, stands ready to assist, now a seasoned car salesman.

“Alright, alright, alright,” Matthew drawls, his gaze drifting towards the shitty Lincolns on display. “I’m in the market for something smooth, somethin’ that whispers luxury with every turn of the wheel.”

But Ben, ever the persuader, intercepts with a knowing smile. “Matthew,” he says, leaning in conspiratorially, “let me show you something that’ll blow your mind.” With a flourish, he guides Matthew towards the gleaming Buicks, each exuding an air of understated elegance.

As they stroll past the Buicks, Matthew’s curiosity piqued, Ben regales him with tales of performance, comfort, and sophistication. Matthew listens intently, his trademark introspection blending seamlessly with Ben’s persuasive charm.

Finally, they stand before a particularly stunning Buick, its lines sleek, its interior opulent. Matthew’s eyes light up with newfound appreciation. “You know what, Ben?” he muses, a grin spreading across his face. “I believe you’ve shown me the way. I’m gettin’ a Buick.”

With a triumphant chuckle, Ben claps Matthew on the back. “Dude, you’re getting a Buick!” he exclaims, his voice carrying the same infectious enthusiasm that once sold computers by the truckload.

As the camera pans out, Matthew slides behind the wheel of his new Buick, a symbol of sophistication and style. And with one final nod to Ben, the unlikely duo seals the deal, ushering in a new era of automotive allure.”

Yellowlights: the autobiography of Beau Montana

Matthew McConaughey’s autobiography is the most deranged thing I’ve ever read. But it inspired me to write my own.

Here are some highlights:

Yellowlights by Beau Montana

This isn’t an autobiography in its usual sense. I don’t remember much of anything. And I’m not talking about a few instances here and there. I mean NOTHING.
I grew up in a family that always told each other “you’re the biggest disappointment of my life.” And we meant it. 
My mother held my head under the waters of the Ohio River and said “this is all part of God’s plan.” She was later arrested for possession of illegal methadone. 
I’m not a victim.
When I was 27, my therapist shoved tennis balls up my ass and I shit green fuzz for weeks
I’m an eternal optimist.
When I was 43, my brother pulled down my pants at the bowling alley and everyone laughed at my little penis. 
I’m not in denial. 
Everyone gets to choose their own past. All it takes is a few weeks in the Mojave Desert surviving on wild mushrooms and peyote. It doesn’t hurt to be stupidly good looking either.
You need to get over your trauma.
If I whined and cried about having crippling alcoholism, diabetes, dyslexia, dementia, delirium tremens, and diphtheria, I would have never had the courage to apply to Harvard, Stanford, MIT, and the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater (then get rejected by all of them). 
This book serves as my love letter…and suicide note…to life….
…AND to my love of black tar heroin.