Tag: Linnea Quigley

Stuck together w u

It sucks peen that I will never be a filmmaker because I’d love to adapt VD Mercer and Dan Scamell’s grotesque erotica novel Stuck Together With You. And I’m not saying that because I consider Dan my friend, I REALLY enjoyed the book.

I could go into plot details but just look at the cover. OR simply read the plot synopsis from Amazon:

Rhonda Wilkes is America’s grandma. Her acting career really took off 40 years ago with her wildly successful 1980’s ensemble sitcom, Stuck Together With You, about five aging women forced by circumstance to share a Long Island apartment. At 101 years old, and never far from her tall, mysterious, male assistant, Rhonda is still going strong. This is more than can be said for her Stuck Together co-stars, all of whom have died, save for Connie Roberts, who lives in declining health within an assisted living home.

The hideous secret to Rhonda’s longevity comes to light after Connie Roberts receives an experimental health treatment with low odds of survival. As Connie pulls through, hazy memories begin to return—memories of an orgiastic summoning ritual in a Hollywood studio lounge.

Given a second chance at life, Connie must track down Rhonda and her sinister assistant if she wants to put right the wrongs of the past decades. Luckily, Connie has the help of Terry, a miraculously resurrected assisted-living orderly, and the sentient finger now living in his head. Age is just a number in this salaciously weird tale of talking phalanges, steamy sex, and dark humor.

I’ve been unable to shake this book from my mind. Just imagine it: Barbara Crampton, Linnea Quigley, Felicia Rose, Juliette Lewis, etc etc coming together to do a spoof/homage to Golden Girls with clips from the mock sitcom interspersed through a story of violence, gore, and gratuitous nudity.

Unfortunately the gratuitous sex and nudity would have to be severely cut back. I doubt studios and actors would agree to that sort of thing. But I can see the ending in my mind: one final sitcom clip that hamfists the themes of the movie; cut to a black screen reading For Bea, Rue, Estelle, & Betty; Rod Stewart’s Young Turks plays over the credits.

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Since there’s been an inexplicable increase of traffic to my website, I should point out that if you’re interested in reading another weird piece of fiction, PLEASE consider purchasing your (shitty) copy of ‘The Detective James Series: Vol. 1’ on Amazon. If you read the whole thing, my apologies first off, but consider leaving a review 🙏🙏🙏

another round of terrible movies

It was slim pickins this week.

I probably started watching a little over a half dozen of B-movies in my quest to see every horror film on Tubi. And I probably only finished two of them.

These are those two.

The Majorettes (1986)

I love a movie that can’t decide what it wants to be. So instead of choosing, it decides to be every option.

The Majorettes calls itself a “slasher” film. Sure, okay. At times, I think, it flirts with being a supernatural comedy. Then it inexplicably becomes a remake of Rambo.

Your guess is as good as mine.

My favorite part is one villain hangs another villain using a rope that runs through a cheapass hook that’s barely screwed into the ceiling.

While the film was godawful, I am intrigued enough to check out the book that this was based on (which was adapted for the screen by its author). If it’s as random as the movie, it seems like my kind of book.

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988)

I might have to watch this one again.

It has everything that I love: private detectives, Linnea Quigley, and a short running time (boobs too, if you’re into that sort of thing).

The film is absolute trash. And deliberately so. That’s Hollywood, folks.

Honestly, the image above says everything you need to know. It ain’t Citizen Kane, but it will easily kill an hour and 15 minutes.