Every night I wake up in a pool of my own sweat then look into the mirror to stare into the eyes of a man I don’t recognize. Life has become a meaningless void; an absolute senseless abyss where joy, love, and happiness are only a mirage. “Who am I” I ask myself. “Must every waking hour be so painful?”

Where does the suffering end?

It’s for this reason why I find so much comfort in 1967s You Only Live Twice, the fifth installment of the James Bond series. It’s old timey racism, antiquated attitudes towards women, and nonsensical plot that was written by the champion of the British Empire and captain of nonsense himself, Roald Dahl, that really highlights the madness of existence.

It was at this point in the series where Sean Connery gave up. Clearly just there to fulfill contractual obligations, Connery meanders through the film as someone who would obviously rather be on the golf course. Personally I prefer his lackadaisical performance in Diamonds Are Forever, but it was clear here that Connery still cared, however slightly, about his physical appearance. Quite frankly, his acting fits the film perfectly; it’s easy for the audience to emote vicariously through Connery. How else are we to react to producers and screenwriters clearly giving up their creative integrity for what amounted to an obvious cash grab?

The film starts with astronauts being hilariously kidnapped and the supposed “death” of James Bond. I have a lot of questions about this cold open. Bond is introduced as he’s making out with a “Chinese girl” (Miss Moneypenny’s words) and seconds later he’s gunned down. The police show up, pronounce him dead, with one of them saying “at least he died on the job” and the other responding “he would have wanted it that way”.

First off, how the fuck would those officers know what James Bond wanted? Did he know these guys?! Later, when Bond is revived, it is revealed that the death was staged by MI6. So was the Chinese girl in on the operation? Did the gunmen know?! I mean, it appeared as though they were firing real bullets. So was the Chinese girl acting as a double agent, baiting the gunmen into a scenario where they thought they would kill James Bond but she secretly knew that the whole thing was staged? That’s the only sensible explanation but she acted as though she was also trying to kill him!

And then, after Bond is revived on the submarine, M asks something along the lines of “any adverse effects?” which I assume means that Bond was drugged from the time of his faked death to the moment of his arrival on the submarine. So was he out the entire time? Was 007 so drugged that it fooled the doctors during his autopsy?! How long does it take between being pronounced dead and one’s funeral? Three days to a week? Did Bond not drink or eat the entire time? Who the hell was in on this thing?!!!

It is well established that Bond is a commander in the Royal Navy and M is a former admiral, and while on the submarine both are in uniform, but is Miss Moneypenny an officer too? Why does she have a uniform? I guess it makes sense given the confidential information she handles, but no where is her service to the Royal Navy ever established!

And the reason for James Bond’s published death is so that, according to M, 007’s enemies will pay a little less attention to him so that he can focus on the mission at hand. The problem is, if memory serves, at this point in the franchise’s history only SPECTRE is his enemy, and, as is established only 20 minutes later in the bath scene, it appears that Bond suspects SPECTRE is behind the incident from the very beginning. Did Bond not share this with MI6 before they dropped him off in Japan? He already killed Goldfinger, his only other enemy. Did Bond think he was going to capture SPECTRE by surprise? What was the point in faking his death?!

If the point was to get SPECTRE off his scent, then he did a very, very shitty job. Being a 6’2 Scotsman in Japan, Bond was going to stick out like a sore thumb. In fact, he is spotted by Japanese intelligence almost immediately while walking around openly in Tokyo. Sure, they were expecting him but maybe they should have chosen a less conspicuous rendezvous point than a sumo match.

And folks, this is just in the first 15 minutes.

Later, a little over halfway through the film, Bond takes a wife and his physical appearance is altered to appear more Japanese. And ladies and gentlemen, none of this serves the plot whatsoever. In fact, it’s completely abandoned almost as immediately as it’s introduced.

Directed by Lewis Gilbert, what’s great about You Only Live Twice is that its plot (or the lack thereof) is basically repurposed two more times within the franchise, both times directed by Gilbert. So Lewis Gilbert has the distinction of being the only director to make the same film three times. Producer Albert R. “Cubby” Broccoli watched this movie and thought “yeah, I want to do that again. And once more for good measure.”

But personally I think that the crowning achievement of You Only Live Twice is that the filmmakers took a long hard look at life and their involvement in James Bond, realized it was all bullshit, said ‘fuck it, let’s get paid’, and turned it into spectacle of the highest order. As a result, cinema has never been the same.

*Note: Okay, so I forgot about the scene with Mr. Henderson who explains that a Japanese corporation could possibly be behind the disappearance of the space capsule. This might be where Bond begins to suspect SPECTRE. But still, it’s a shitty plan to fake your death and then walk around in public just days later.