Are you, like me, a fat and stupid loser that can’t find a job worth a shit? Well let me give you some pointers on succeeding in job interviews.

1. Put on a pair of pants. No one wants to see your bare ass ever, especially not in a professional setting. If you can, wear a pair of slacks that aren’t covered in Cheeto dust.

2. Don’t shit yourself. When they ask you questions like, “why do you want to work here?”, don’t panic. Say something like, “I have to feed my four cats,” or “I have a crippling gambling addiction.” Make your answer stand out.

3. Always come prepared. No interviewer wants to speak with some disheveled asshole stumbling in hungover. If you have to, prepare a speech. You could say something like, “hello, I’m so and so, and as you can see, I combed my hair and put on polo. As my dead grandpa used to say, ‘don’t come come to me looking like you fell out of a bull’s ass and expect a dime.’ So I aim to impress you with sheet of paper in front of you called a resume, which is a Polish word for ‘bullshit on paper’. A little about me: my wife left me and I’m a raging alcoholic. My salary expectations are $15.45 an hour.”

But whatever you say to a prospective employer, even if you’re a registered sex-offender that can’t find a job, say it with CONFIDENCE