Tag: heroin

Anaideia 42

“Heroin is great!” Dale said. “My leg doesn’t feel shattered anymore. Why didn’t anyone ever tell me how incredible this drug is!”

“Why do you think I stole it from the UPS store?” I said. “I was thinking about how much pain you were in while writhing around in the backseat of that Geo Metro. I was saving you thousands in medical bills! I’m quite a good friend to you, ya know?”

Dale nodded and shoved another breakfast burrito into his face hole. “I was about to say that,” he said. “I know that I’ve dodged death one too many times the last couple of months, but I’ve had the time of my life. I’ve got you to thank for that.”

“I’m happy to hear it,” I said. “Chasing monsters in the desert and crashing expensive ass vehicles sure beats the shit out of cleaning toilets for a living, eh?”

“You’re goddamn right, pal!”

We clinked our mimosa glasses together and finished eating our breakfast in the hotel suite kitchen when Susan marched through the door. She was covered in blood and dirt and was fuming up a storm. “I took care of your Fred Durst problem!” she spat. “You two lazy mother fuckers couldn’t be bothered!”

“Woah woah woah!” I said. “Calm your ass down you grumpy old bitch! This is a positive environment!”

“I had to drive Fred out to the middle of the desert in that shitty Metro and when I let him out he tried to fight me and then I had to stab him multiple times just to get him off me!”

“You didn’t kill him did you?”

“No! He ran off bare assed into the wilderness and I didn’t feel like chasing him!”

“Oh thank Christ,” I said. “I felt kinda bad about punching him in the face.”

“You feel bad for him?!” she screamed. “I’m the one trying to tie up your loose ends!”

“I would have gotten around to it eventually!”

But before Susan could reach for her knife to stab me, there was knock on the door. So I again waltzed down the foyer to answer it and when I did there was the hotel manager outside with three large men armed with baseball bats. “What can I do for you gentlemen?” I asked innocently.

“You’ve had this suite booked for one night and you’ve stayed for three,” the manager said. “You also haven’t spent a single red cent in the casino since we graciously asked you to be our guests. So I’m asking you to leave this hotel and the state of Nevada quietly before things get ugly.”

“I see,” I said. “So if I go down into the casino and drop a quarter in the slots, will you get off my ass?”

“Get your shit and get the fuck out,” the manager reiterated.

“Allow me to confer with my colleagues,” I said. So I shut the door and walk back down the foyer to the kitchen to discuss things with Susan and Dale.

“Bad news guys,” I said. “We’re being evicted. Unless one of you has $50,000, we need to pack our shit and leave.”

“I’m not gonna take this lying down!” Dale declared. “I cheated at blackjack fair and square!”

“The hotel doesn’t see it that way,” I said.

“What are our options?” asked Susan.

I scratched my head and ass and thought. “Well, I suppose we could camp out in the Metro or get the shit kicked out of us by three guards.”

So we unanimously decided to gather our belongings and depart the hotel and as we walked through the front door and past the manager and the guards, the hotel assistant manager came running out the elevator carrying a sheet of paper with urgent news. “Stop! Stop!” he shouted. “Do not evict them! Their bill has been paid for and they’re cleared to stay another week!”

The manager grabbed the paper from his assistant’s hands and chagrined. Without sharing its contents, the manager folded the paper and stuffed it in his jacket pocket. He took a bat from one of the guards and put it to my chin. “I’ll be watching you,” he warned me.

The guards lowered their weapons and mean mugged us as they shuffled back to the elevator. I breathed a sigh of relief and went back into the room. “We dodged that bullet,” I said.

“Yup. But next time I’ll make them dodge my bullet,” said Dale holding up a Glock.

“Who could have paid that bill?” wondered Susan.

“There’s only one man who could have done us that favor,” I said. “Randy.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

a quiet life (part iV)

Well I’ll be damned.

It looks like we’re actually getting somewhere. But without a plot, conflict, hero, or villain, the story simply becomes another character study, therefore making the main thrust of the story “man against himself” or some pretentious bullshit like that.

That being said, let’s close this thing out…

***

After returning home from my weekly STD checkup, there was a package on my doorstep. It was addressed to my neighbor, but I took inside and opened it anyway.

In the box was a stuffed teddy bear and a letter from someone named “grandma”. I thought that was a stupid name but continued reading anyway. The letter said:

Dear Mikey,

Grandma and grandpa love you very much. We hope that you feel better soon.

Love,

Grandma and Grandpa

I put the contents back into the box and poured a drink. I was supposed to start taking medication for something called “syphilis” but I threw that shit into the trash.

“Maybe I should return the box,” I thought. But I wasn’t so sure. I lit up a cigarette, shot up heroin, took a bump of coke, played a round of Russian Roulette, then taped up the box.

As I was laying the box on their doorstep, my neighbor opened the door. “Get the fuck off my porch,” he said.

“This is YOUR package asshole!” I replied. “UPS wrongly dropped it off at my house.”

“Why should I believe you?” he asked after he pulled out his .38. “You’ve played your drums, lit off fireworks, and engaged in target practice with your shotgun at ungodly hours of the night. You’ve also ding dong ditched my ass, used my WiFi, and played peeping Tom on my wife. Well guess what PAL! You’re now on MY property and am well within MY right to blast YOUR ass!”

I raised my hands. “Now calm down John,” I said. “We’re both sensible adults. We can talk this out.”

“No,” he replied. “I’M the sensible adult. You’re an asshole.”

John then fired his .38 into my gut and I laid there bleeding out in his front yard. He picked up the package and opened it.

“Well I’ll be a son of a bitch,” he said, “you finally did something right in your life.”

I lifted my head up while holding my guts in. “Please call an ambulance John,” I said.

“Sure, I’ll get right on that.” John then looked up into the sky and smiled. “It’s nice finally getting some peace and quiet around here,” he said.

He went back inside and shut the door.

THE END

magnum enforcer vi

I tailed Maxwell to a rub-n-tug in Santa Monica. I sat in the car and waited. I must have gone through an entire pack of cigarettes. After two hours, I went inside.

“Yes, I’m having pain in my groin region and I need it stretched out,” I told the receptionist.

Maxwell came out with a towel around his waist. “Uh, hi James. It’s not what it looks like.”

“Hello Maxwell,” I said as I feigned stupidity. “What does this look like?”

“I just come here to get my prostate massaged. It gets flared.”

I took out a cigarette. “There’s no smoking in here, sir,” the receptionist said. I replaced it with a toothpick. “You got nothing to worry about with me, Maxwell,” I said. “Remember, I’m not on the LAPD anymore.”

“Right.” He gave an awkward laugh. “Well I guess I’ll see you around.”

I eyeballed him as he walked away.

I followed him around town for a few days…to the bars, to the gay clubs, to Knots Berry Farm…but I couldn’t bust him. I was growing tired. I drank. I tried heroin. But I couldn’t shake him from my mind.

Maxwell was good. Too good. But I knew eventually he’d fuck up. And when he did, I’d be there to bust him.

Finally I caught a break.

He picked up a prostitute off Sunset. They drove up to the hills and pulled off to a stop overlooking the Valley. It was late. Too late.

I had to stay back. I could’ve easily been spotted. I perched on top of a ledge overlooking their spot. The windows fogged up in Maxwell’s car. I couldn’t see in.

After several hours without movement, I feared the worst. I pulled out the 357 and walked towards the vehicle. I opened the passenger side door and there laid a strangled prostitute.

Maxwell was nowhere to be found.

Damn it, I thought. How could he have escaped?

Then I heard a beeping. There in the glove box was a timer counting down to zero. I tried to run but the explosion knocked me back several feet.

I got up and checked myself for injuries. There were none. I’m invincible.

I waited next to the smoldering remains for the fire department and the LA Police Chief to arrive. “You’re no longer on the force,” the Chief said. “The is is an official police investigation.”

“Sir,” I replied, “how well do you trust Ellis Shitburg Maxwell?”

“With LP dead, he’s now my best officer. I’d trust him with my wife.”

“This is Maxwell’s car. Last night there was a dead prostitute inside. Don’t you get it? He’s the Hillside Choker!”

“Now you are way out of line James! Charles Krauthammer was the killer and you busted him! The case is CLOSED! You hear me? CLOSED!”

“Will you listen to reason and evidence? Maxwell and Charles are in cahoots! The mayor said himself that crime has gotten out of hand! Maxwell has taken matters into his own hands! He’s gone renegade sir! RENEGADE!”

The Chief got right in my face. “Now you listen here James, and you listen good. There is no vigilante conspiracy in the LAPD. NONE! Not on my watch! Now I am telling you to walk away from this crime scene before I bring you in as a suspect!”

I walked away.

That night I got drunk and started thinking about LP. I stumbled up to Stacy’s door and began pounding. She just put the kids to bed.

“Have you been drinking,” she asked.

“Just started.”

She invited me in poured a vodka. We both sat on the couch.

“How are the kids,” I asked.

“Brutus has taken his father’s death hard. He’s been strangling the neighborhood animals, dissecting them, and leaving the remains on the owner’s porch. Laquisha’s been missing since the funeral.”

I reached out my hand and put it on hers. “And how have you been doing?”

“I’ve been struggling. I just miss LP so much. He was a great husband.”

“I miss him too,” I said.

We both stared into each other’s eyes. We leaned in and kissed.

As I was ramming Stacy silly, I couldn’t help but think of LP… how he was up there watching over us…furiously masturbating in heaven.