gettin my throat stretched

Can’t swallow without choking.

So the doctor told me that he’s gonna jam a device down my throat. I told him that I was used to that.

He also told me to stop dipping. I said that he should fuck right off. Just because he’s a medically trained “doctor” that doesn’t give him the right to dispense medical advice.

“But but but…you could get esophageal cancer 😭,” he said

I laughed and told him I have natural immunity to cancer. So checkmate. Idiot.

existential dread

“Your test results are positive,” the doctor said as he sat grimly behind his desk.

I took a deep breath. “What does this mean?” I asked.

“You’re perfectly healthy. Not a damn thing is wrong with you. You are going to live a very, VERY long life.”

I sighed.

“This is terrible news doc.”

THE END