Tag: Happy New Year

SOS

Some days, it’s simply too hard to pick up a pen and bring a blank page to life. This is especially true when you’ve had your hands broken by the Russian mafia. So needless to say, it’s been a rough couple of weeks. Luckily I’ve found a faint internet connection in this abandoned warehouse in Yakaterinburg and as I dictate words to my fellow captor, Ivan, before we’re both lit on fire and tossed into the Iset River, we’d like to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

With any luck, we won’t starve to death or have our testicles crushed, and maybe we’ll escape the hands of our captors and the nightmarish Siberian winter to make it across the Chinese border in time for Valentine’s Day. No promises though. In the meantime, be thankful to be surrounded by friends and family and be cautious of which emails you respond to because you might find yourself entangled in a web of international crime. So please, reach out to your local Russian embassy because the lives of Ivan and I depend on it.

Have a Happy New Year!

Ending the year on a bang

Shit’s got real. While the rest of you will be drinking and driving your way into the next year, I’ll be making battle plans.

You see, management at the toilet factory has declared war on its employees and the future of toilets hangs in the balance. Lines have been drawn, friends are now enemies, and enemies are now friends.

Not gonna lie, I may not survive.

So next time you pull down your pants and take a shit, think of me; think of all the workers that have made it possible for you to lay a turd in a bowl of water and then flush that shit water down into a sewer. A lot of blood, sweat, and tears went into making the modern world possible. Gone are the days where we throw our shit and piss onto the streets and cause the Bubonic plague.

So hug your families, celebrate with friends, and wipe your ass carefree knowing that there’s a thin brown line of workers standing between you and the bubonic plague.

God Bless America

Happy New Year