•Play a round of golf

I will never accept golf as a real sport and I will think lesser of a person who plays it.

•Read ‘Catcher in the Rye’

Oh, so you were once an angry young man? Boo fuckin hoo. If I wrote something that appealed to pretentious asshats, I too would withdraw from public life and never put pen to paper again.

•Watch “The Lord of the Rings”

Maybe they’re good movies. But at this point I’m refusing to watch them out of tradition. Plus, fantasy isn’t a real genre.

•Delete an email

I think so little of your email that I won’t bother deleting it. It will just sit there for eternity senselessly taking up digital space.

•Pay for a concert

I have nothing against the performing of live music. I just refuse to pay for it. It doesn’t matter if it’s solo Mike Reno playing “Whenever There’s a Night” nonstop, I ain’t taking out my wallet to see it.

•Visit Disney World

This has nothing to do with Ron DeSantis or the (shithole) State of Florida. I’m an adult.