A shart in the dark

“Your dick don’t work,” the doctor said.

“Thank you doctor,” I replied.

Dale and I were found outside of Palm Springs buck naked. We were bound together and gagged. It took awhile for the police to realize we were victims and not nudists.

We were taken to the hospital where I was treated for massive scrotal damage. Dale was alright.

“Aye, don’t worry lad. We’ll get your wee workin again. You watch,” Dick (my Scottish roommate) said.

“Never mind that. I need you to find Honda. It isn’t over between us,” I instructed Dick.


Dick quickly left the hospital room to begin work. Dale spoke up.

“I’m just glad that we all made it out alive,” he said.

“No one asked you anything,” I said.

Anthrax also came to visit. After Dale and Dick exited, she came to my bedside.

“I need you to tell me everything you know about Honda,” she inquired.

“She seems to possess extraordinary strength. I don’t think she’s human anymore, Anthrax. I think she’s a cyborg. Who the fuck would do that to her? Randy’s a dumbass, there’s no way he could’ve done something like that,” I told her.

“I think I know who.”

“Who? That stupid ass crime syndicate? Honda said that they didn’t want her anymore. That’s why she’s riding around with those dorks like she’s Peter fuckin Fonda,” I replied.

“It’s not Randy. It’s not the syndicate,” Anthrax said.

“Alright. This is getting too complicated and contrived. But if you or Dick find Honda, tell her I’m coming after her,” I said.

“I’ll find her. But please, before you do anything, I need to know if there’s at least an ounce of humanity in her. If there is, I know that I can save her. Please James.”

I agreed.

As Anthrax began to leave, I grabbed her by the hand.

“I learned from a James Bond movie that before one seeks vengeance, they must first dig two graves,” I said.

“But I’m not seeking vengeance,” Anthrax replied.

“Oh yeah, I am. I mean….please be careful.”

Anthrax gave a faint smile then departed. I laid in the hospital bed bored and feeling awkward for not feeling like I have to compulsively masturbate.

“Your mother is on the phone,” a nurse told me.

I reluctantly took the call.

“Ohh my poor Tony,” mom said. “I heard that you were in the hospital!”

“This is James, ma. Who the hell is Tony?”

“What do you mean? I don’t have dementia,” she said. “How’s my sweetheart doing?”

“I’m alright. Is something wrong? I’ve been to the hospital hundreds of times and you’ve never called.”

“I’m just checking up on my favorite son. What are you, a moron?”

“I’m your only son Ma,” I said. “Anyway, are you sure Nicky is not my father?”

“Did you not read your birth certificate?”

“You put down Lou Diamond Phillips. Is there anything you can tell me about my father?”

“He was a tall glass of water. He could send shivers up and down my body with one touch. He was smooth, suave, with a voice of gold like Sinatra in a younger day. You don’t remind me of him at all,” Ma replied.

That definitely didn’t sound like Nicky.

A Massive Leap in Logic

I love ghosts. Or, I should say, ghost videos on YouTube.

Do I believe in them? Not for a second. But they are fun as hell to watch.

Unfortunately I can’t talk about my love of paranormal and extraterrestrial videos because everyone has stupid options about the subject. Again, do ghosts exist? I’ve seen no compelling evidence for it.

Do intelligent extraterrestrial beings exist? Almost certainly. Have they visited earth? I’m open to the possibility but I gotta see some compelling evidence.

And that’s the extent of my opinion on ghosts and aliens.

But because everyone wants to believe, they’re willing to bend logic and intelligent comprehension of reality to support their belief. No one stops to think how insane this is:

See an object in the sky you don’t recognize? It must be inter dimensional aliens.

Did you blink and see a dark object in the corner of your eye? It’s gotta be ghosts (or, again, inter dimensional aliens).

Of course this massive leap in logic infects a lot of discourse. Our internet-poisoned brains permits this leap in our politics. For example: “the government once lied about some things, therefore they’re always lying about everything”, or “there are corrupt and bad cops, therefore do away with the police.” This leap undermines the complexities and nuances of an event or events and conclude all thinking, leaving the matter insufficiently examined.

This is just laziness.

To have a view, especially of the political nature, you gotta do some heavy lifting. Everyone wants to have an opinion, but no one wants to do the work in having one.