“bitcher”: where free speach is MANDATORY

All the political ideologues claim they want to protect free speech. Well now’s the time to put their money where their mouth is.

Twitter’s a dumpster fire.

So allow me to introduce you to new kind of free speech platform: Bitcher.

Clearly I haven’t worked out all the kinks yet. Nor have I set up a website. Any Big Tech billionaire can take (or steal, if you prefer) this idea.

But here’s the general concept:

-For every Bitch (equivalent to a “Tweet”), there is NO character MAXIMUM. Only a character MINIMUM (which would greatly exceed the character maximum on Twitter). The idea being that participants MUST present a well reasoned Bitch. If any poster tries to cheat the system by circumventing the character minimum (i.e by stringing together random words and letters, or by typing something like “penis penis penis,” etc) then that Bitch will be flagged and removed and the poster will be suspended for a brief period.

-Each Bitch must have at least ONE hyperlink to an external source that is relevant to its subject. To submit a reply, the poster MUST click on the link. Replies don’t have to provide links, but must meet the character minimum.

-If a reply also presents an external link that’s relevant to the subject, the OP MUST respond within a given timeframe (ex: 48 hours). If there are an excessive amount of replies that fit this criteria, a minimum amount of replies from the OP will be set (ex: 5). Failure from the OP to reply will result in a temporary suspension.

-Name calling and obscene language ARE permitted. (Terroristic threatening and harassment are not)

-It will be highly encouraged on the platform to belittle and name call any politico on Twitter that has yet to join Bitcher (within the bounds of reason, of course). If they are interested in free speech, then they should have the courage to join Bitcher.

-It is my belief that the format of Twitter encourages snark, sarcasm, dunking, and just general stupidity with its character limitations. By setting a high character MINIMUM, hopefully this will minimize the effectiveness of those acts by FORCING the participant to engage thoroughly.

So you want free speech? Here’s your chance:

Bitcher: Where Free Speech is MANDATORY

your all sheep!

Most people get their opinions from “books”, “news”, “science”, “education”, other “external sources,” and “other people”.

Not me.

You see, I’m an actual FREE thinker.

Everyone keeps telling me “you should stop drinking your piss.” But why? It’s completely natural.

My ex-wife keeps saying “you need to pay child support.” But how do you know he’s my son?

The police keep telling me that I have to “wear pants at the public library.” But I don’t follow the laws of man.

I’m not one of you sheeple.

So what if Randy’s been a public menace his whole life?

Look y’all.

So what if Randy “exposed” himself to an undercover cop or frequented massage parlors “owned” by known sex traffickers or “threatened” to shoot up a Home Depot or sold drugs outside of “middle schools”?

This is America. And in America we have this thing called free speech.

Ever heard of it?

But anywho, some of y’all make me sick. You keep saying that it “serves him right” that he’s been denied bail due to “being a flight risk pending an investigation into sexual relations with a minor and the disappearance of several women dating back to the 1990s” by the “Los Angeles Police Department”.

Do any of y’all have a heart?

I met Randy while hitchhiking on I-10 in 1992. He told me “Get in kid, I have something to show ya”. We pulled off into an abandoned rest stop and he told me there was “precious cargo” in the trunk of this Pontiac Firebird. He handed me the keys and told me to meet with a “Carlos” in Phoenix. He also handed me a Ruger 22 and told me to “get rid of the evidence”.

I met with Randy two days later in Barstow and I crashed on his couch. Then he gave me $1500 and said “you’re alright kid”.

So when I was down on my luck, Randy gave me a chance. He put clothes on my back and a roof over my head. Sure he came home drunk some nights and took liberties with my penis. Sure I cried about it every night. And sure it gave me a crippling methadone addiction. But come on! Every man has sucked off their best fried, right?

Randy is a good man.

So despite the numerous victims in the wake of his crimes and misdeeds, Randy deserves your sympathy. Stop being a heartless bastard.

Now as the Los Angeles County DA offers me full immunity in exchange for testimony, stop being a snowflake by moaning about “justice for the victims” and think of poor ol Randy sitting there in county jail. No man deserves that fate.