Tag: forgiveness

There’s a storm coming

Now I know what the internet is thinking; where’s Beau Montana?

Well I’ll tell you: I was in Juarez wearing my old army uniform from Vietnam like William Devane in Rolling Thunder. And yes, I *might* have shot up a brothel. It’s a long story.

Anyways, I’m sure everyone knows about my recent troubles. I won’t go into it, but I’m slowly trying to explore the world trying to make amends. You see, I’ve simply made too many enemies.

Remember my old boss at the toilet factory whose ass I owned twice? Well that mother fucker blackballed me from ever working there again. But this time I’m going to be the better man. I ain’t gonna play his stupid, shitty games because he’s a piece a shit. The important thing is that I forgive him; he can’t help it that his brain is stupid.

But I realized, shortly after fighting my demons south of the border like some character in a Cormac McCarthy novel, that I can’t keep living life this way. You see, deep down I’m actually a peaceful man. I enjoy the music of Cat Stevens; I might’ve spent a night or two in Ashland, OR; I voted for Carter in 76. I’m not a violent, spiteful man.

I want to emphasize forgiveness. We just need to forgive one another. Will I ever forgive Arby’s for discontinuing the potato cakes? Fuck no! But this isn’t about me.

This is about us. And YOU guys need to need to have more forgiveness and compassion in your lives.

my opinions are just too dangerous man

“I’m gonna slap those chilli fries right out your mouth,” Jenny, my mother, said.

“Jenny, I’m just asking you if Nicky Wallz is my father,” I replied.

“I don’t know who da fuck dis Nicky is, but he can suck my lef nut,” she said. My mother never explained how she got a Brooklyn accent.

“Ma, did you ever take in a homeless kid 30 some years ago?”

“It was da 80s, everybody was doin wacky shit then,” Jenny replied as she took a drag off her cigarette through her stoma.

I couldn’t stand to be around her when she was like this. I started to walk away.

“Where are you goin?” she asked.

“I gotta take a shit Ma!”

Later I was browsing the porno mags in Safeway when a strange woman bumped her cart into me.

“Watch it lady!” I yelled.

It was Anthrax. I haven’t seen her since I escaped from that exploding warehouse.

“Hello James,” she said.

“Anthrax”

“I just thought I should tell you that I am three months sober. I am attending AA and I am currently seeking to make amends to those I have harmed. Therefore, I apologize for drugging and kidnapping you, and putting objects up your rectum.”

I was shocked.

“Well, you are forgiven. And I am sorry for squeezing your tit and pistol whipping you unconscious,” I replied.

“I forgive you as well,” she said.

We both stood there in awkward silence. Finally I spoke up.

“Say, can I get you a cup of coffee?”

“Yes. I would like that,” Anthrax replied stoically.

We didn’t have much to say at the coffee shop. I was still hyped up on the MDMA I took earlier, so I just drank water.

“So what happened to Honda after that deadly explosion that nearly destroyed West Hollywood? Is she okay?” I asked.

“Her face was ripped off and her arms and legs were mangled beyond repair. She survived though, whisked off by the black shirt men to an undisclosed location,” Anthrax replied.

“Well that sucks. Weren’t you two close?”

“Yes. We were sisters in the crime syndicate known as TOILET: Terrorism Or the International League that Engages in Terrorism. Honda rescued me as a small child off the streets of Stockholm and trained me in the ways thievery, extortion, and deception. I owe her my life. I would do anything to find her.”

“But how did you survive that explosion?” I asked.

“I have my ways”

Anthrax continued to sip on her coffee. I took one last gulp of my water.

“Welp, care to have sex?” I asked.

“Yes. I’d like that.”