Tag: football

2025 NFL uniform ranking (part iv-the good shit)

Alright, let’s get this shit over with as quickly as possible. To appeal to our neighbors in the north, I will be ranking the NHL uniforms next despite not knowing dick about hockey. That seems like a natural progression. In the meantime, here’s the next part of my list:

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

We all know that the prior iteration, the Jameis Winston era, of this outfit was dog ass. And I mean TOTALLY dookie shoes. It was probably the worst uniform in NFL history to be honest. So they rolled back to a more solid red and pewter gray kit. It ain’t the creamsicle orange but it’s still a good uniform.

19. Miami Dolphins

Moving down to Miami, I will say that I like the newish dolphin logo. It’s probably the only “modern” design that pairs well with the uniform. Now I do have a love/hate relationship with the colors. They honestly make me want to puke. This is why I prefer the all-white throwbacks. But aqua and orange fits the city well which is why I give it a pass.

18. Dallas Cowboys

I welcome the city of Dallas’ hate with open arms. And for the record, I’m not entirely comfortable with putting the Cowboys in the lower half. But like I’ve said all along—it’s been a very strong year for uniforms. And I will say that Jerry Jones’ team does look sharp, as they historically have. But because Dallas has been THE marquee team for the last 30 years, their fresh and clean look kinda feels a tad underwhelming nowadays.

17. Cleveland Browns

Brown and orange doesn’t inspire a lot of fans but I respect the choice. It feels old school. Though I don’t know what the consensus is on the alternatives, I do prefer the solid brown outfit with orange numbers. It’s a fresh take on an old concept.

2025 NFL uniform ranking (part I. The worst ones)

It’s crunch time.

With a book coming out, it feels like being down three points in the fourth quarter and cramming for the finals all in one. Stress has reached a boiling point. So with a lot on my plate, I need to write about something cheap and easy. And you know me. I always have an opinion about football uniforms.

It’s been a couple years since I’ve done this. So here’s my ranking for all the 2025 NFL uniforms. Unfortunately my beef with Roger Goodell is ongoing so I won’t be able to post pictures. But that’s what the internet is for folks 🤷‍♂️

32. Seattle Seahawks

I think we can all agree that this uniform has overstayed its welcome. Actually it was never welcomed to begin with. It’s just unfortunate that this was the uniform worn during the franchise’s most successful run. But with the Legion of Boom/Russell Wilson/Pete Carroll era over, it’s time to restore the throwbacks to their proper place.

31. Philadelphia Eagles

For the life of me, I will never understand the love of midnight green. It’s boring as shit. And the shading behind the numbers makes the whole thing look dated. This uniform is stuck in the late 90s/early 2000s when everyone was depressed because of 9/11. It’s been nearly a quarter of a century, Philly. Bring back the Kelly green!

30. New England Patriots

Post Tom Brady, the Patriots have made improvements. I’ll admit, they have some good alternatives. But it’s still not enough. The biggest problem is the helmet, specifically the logo on the helmet. The internet has been quite vocal lately about the superiority of Pat Patriot over the current logo and I’m inclined to agree with them. But to improve the helmet, I have a much simpler idea: ditch the grey and make it white.

29. Tennessee Titans

It’s 2025. Every year there’s at least one team that everyone agrees to collectively shit on. This year it’s the Titans. Not only are they a poorly ran organization, their uniforms kinda suck too. Complexity is out. Simplicity is in. And the Titans uniform is a bit too complex for my tastes. Simply ditch the sword theme and get rid of the grey altogether. And as much as I love the old Houston Oilers uniforms, it’s time to retire those. Those belong to the city of Houston. If they wanted to keep those then the Adams family should have never of changed the name to “Titans”. Does the name “Oiler” make any sense for Tennessee? No. But who gives a shit? So actually my advice to improve the uniform is to change the name back to “Oilers”. That might solve a lot of Tennessee’s problems.

Tennessee Oilers

I get it. I understand why Bud Adams changed it from the Oilers to the Titans. Still though, the Titans should have remained the Oilers.

“But there’s no oil in Tennessee 😭😭😭,” you say.

Who cares?

LA and Utah are hardly known for their lakes and jazz, yet that hasn’t stopped their NBA teams. I’d also like to add that the three greatest players in “Titans” history – Warren Moon, Mike Munchak, and Earl Campbell – never played a down of football in Tennessee.

Arguably, the Tennessee Titans/Houston Oilers franchise has seen their best days in Nashville (they went to a Super Bowl for instance), but forget all of that. Everyone remembers this team for one reason and reason only: those dope ass Houston Oilers uniform.

Let’s just be honest, no one likes the Titans “two tone blue.” While the solid navy blue uniforms have grown on me the past few seasons, it was always a mistake to make that the primary color over the traditional “Titans/Oilers (light) blue.”

As for the logo, it’s respectable that the Titans incorporated the the three stars found on the Tennessee state flag, but it’s still a shitty logo. And they made it worse by adding an inexplicable flame to it.

Why make this the main logo when they have much better one available?

Am I crazy to think that this one’s cooler?

Slap that on the side of the helmet, revert back to the Oilers colors, and suddenly Tennessee goes from having one of the worst uniforms to one of the best!

Everybody wants this to happen. But I suppose the Adams family wants to be respectful to the city of Houston for abandoning them. But fuck ‘em! They ended up getting another (shitty) franchise!

Plus, everyone thinks the Houston Texans are a joke anyway. Nobody likes them. So if Tennessee wants fans to start liking them again, they should flush their current uniforms down the toilet and reissue the old Oilers outfits. And if they can’t do this full time, then they should just do it twice a year when they play Houston so that they can laugh in their stupid fucking faces.

The College Football Uniform Playoff (Part III-Independents)

“Where will Notre Dame end up?” you ask while crying your eyes out. Short answer: fuck Notre Dame. And to hell with all the independent FBS schools for that matter. Maybe if they joined a conference I’d give a shit about them 🤷‍♂️ Plus all of their uniforms suck too, so they’re not even worth addressing.

No independent schools will advance.

The College Football Uniform Playoff (Part II-Mountain West)

Okay, so maybe the SEC isn’t the weakest conference. The Mountain West also has painfully boring uniforms. For background purposes, The MWC currently hosts 12 schools in football.

12. Nevada-Reno

I feel absolutely nothing for this uniform. It’s less than boring. It creates a black hole in my imagination that’s large enough for Matthew McConaughey to fall into.

11. Utah State

This is only a slight elevation from making me contemplate death to just plain boring.

10. Hawaii

I don’t know, this just feels like a missed opportunity to do something more creative. I love the logo. The all black style is pretty dope too. But I guess this just fits in with the rest of the MWC blandness.

9. Fresno State

Yeah, I’ve got nothin.

8. Nevada-Las Vegas

For a program that was taking applications for head coach through Indeed, the uniforms aren’t too shabby. And for the record, yes UNLV rejected my application.

7. Air Force

Blue and white is a crisp look but that bolt logo is a bit amateurish. They’d be better off just putting numbers on the side of the helmets.

6. New Mexico

‘Lobos’ is a cool-ass name. While the uniform looks good, I feel like I’ve seen this red too many times in this conference.

5. Wyoming

Brown and yellow sounds like a combination that shouldn’t work but it does here. My biggest gripe though is the cheapass font.

4. San Diego State

At first glance this looks like another run-of-the-mill MWC outfit. But it’s actually got a lot going for it. The logo is awesome. Aztecs are cool. And the red sleeves with the black body is totally bitchin.

3. San Jose State

The Los Angeles Rams should take note here on how to make this color scheme look good. The blue and yellow are bold enough alone, so there’s no need to do too much. The colors speak for themselves. Plus, totally awesome logo.

2. Colorado State

This one might be an acquired taste but the green and gold works for me. Since the LA Rams totally fucked up their helmet logo, CSU Rams now have the best ram helmet. But green is an another underrated color that more teams should utilize.

1. Boise State

These uniforms absolutely hurt my eyes, but in a good way. And respect to their blue field. Only those with strong eyes can stand to watch an entire game. So congratulations to the Boise State Broncos for making the playoffs.

professional teams I love to laugh at

You won’t find the Dallas Cowboys on this list. Sorry to disappoint. We all know they’re perpetually mediocre so why bother wasting words?

Chicago Cubs

I’ll admit, I don’t particularly like baseball. But weren’t the Cubs, like, losers for over 100 years? Then 2016 happened and suddenly everyone’s a fan?

Miss me with that shit.

God bless Steve Bartman. I hope it’s another 100 years before they win another World Series.

The Entire Premier League

You know what sucks?

Arsenal, Manchester City, Tottenham Hotspurs, Brighton, Manchester United, Chelsea, Liverpool, Brentford, Leeds United, Fulham, Newcastle, Southampton, Bournemouth, Wolverhampton, Crystal Palace, Everton, Aston Villa, West Ham, Nottingham Forest, and Leicester City.

Fuck all of em…in that order. American sports fans catch a lot of shit, and rightfully so. But the British are on a whole other level.

Y’all need help.

But REAL football fans watch the Scottish Professional Football League.

Green Bay Packers

The gold standard for bandwagon teams are the Dallas Cowboys. But I think it’s high time for the Green Bay Packers to claim that title.

3/4ths of that fan base can’t tell you where Green Bay is. Half the fans probably don’t know that the team is in Wisconsin. And a quarter of the fans can’t tell you who the quarterback was before Aaron Rodgers.

And speaking of Brett Favre, yeah I laugh at the guy every single day, but if you’re a Packer fan and you’re STILL upset that Favre briefly played for the Minnesota Vikings…fuck off.

The NFL is a PROFESSIONAL league and what Favre did was make a business decision. So be thankful for what you got out of him.

Besides, yeah your team chokes in the playoffs every year but at least you’re not the…

Houston Texans

The Detroit Lions and Cleveland Browns at least have history. The Los Angeles Chargers have dope-ass uniforms. And the Jacksonville Jaguars are too inoffensive to make fun of.

Most snake-bitten franchises at least have something going for them.

Then there’s the Houston Texans, a team that’s so perpetually incompetent that they now just let a chaplain run the front office. I guess they figure that God save that dump of a franchise.

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college teams I love to laugh at

So Meet William Shitz ain’t killing it in the ratings. But you know what? Fuck all y’all. It’s my finest work and if you can’t see that then you’re a stupid asshole.

But you know what does kill it in the ratings?

College football.

So here are the following schools that I love to laugh at because those teams, and their fan bases, suck and I hope their pain lasts forever.

Arkansas Razorbacks

Let’s get one thing straight: the Hogs have been decent under Sam Pittman. But y’all haven’t won a Natty since, what, 1964?

It ain’t happening. It ever gonna happen. Your basketball team will definitely win another title before your football team will.

Fuck the Razorbacks and that landfill known as Donald W. Reynolds Stadium (and the state of Arkansas).

Wisconsin Badgers

Quietly the most overrated team in all of college sports…in both football AND basketball. (I’ll never forgive Frank Kaminsky for flopping his way past the greatest college basketball team in the 2014-15 Kentucky Wildcats and into the national title game). Y’all just got beat by Washington State- AT HOME – but will still somehow manage to stay in the Top 25.

Wisconsin will always be given the benefit of the doubt. And why am I the only one that notices this?

Georgia Bulldogs

Mascot’s cute tho

Everyone hates on Alabama, but that’s just projection. Tide fans know that their team is better than yours so they don’t give a shit about your trash talk. I can at least share a room with these guys.

Georgia fans? Not so much.

Let’s go out and win a few more titles before you start crowning yourselves the new kings of the SEC. Mmmk?

Auburn Tigers

Pick a damn mascot, Auburn!

Honestly, I just feel sorry for you guys. I can’t imagine how the last 15 years have felt. And you guys have been pretty good during that span.

But no matter how well the team performs, the Auburn Tigers will always be the second best in a state that has nothing going for it other than college football.

Michigan State Spartans

The Spartans are the Auburn Tigers of the Big 10 and I can’t think of a bigger insult than that.

Texas A&M Aggies

Pop quiz hot shot! What does the “A&M” stand for?

If you guessed “Assholes & Morons,” you are correct!

I don’t know about A&M fans, but graduates of the institution are the most arrogant I’ve ever met. According to them, you either went to Texas A&M or you didn’t go to college.

So fuck College Station. Fuck Whataburger. And fuck Jimbo Fisher AKA the most overrated coach in college sports.

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Jack hardcock: Christian detective (part xi)

“Shit!” I yelled. “After killing those bald eagles, I’m all outta bullets!”

“Jack,” Pete replied, “if you can get us out of this, you might make me a believer after all.”

That was all the motivation I needed. So I said a prayer: “Lord, everything that’s happened so far has led me to this point. Give me the strength to kill Sally and lead Peter Tucker to Salvation in Jesus Christ. Amen.”

Right then, as the Goodyear Blimp hovered above, Sally, who was piloting the aircraft, released dozens of live hand grenades down onto Progressive Field. Pete and I weaved and bobbed our way through one explosion after the next but when the last grenade landed, it didn’t explode.

That’s when the Lord gave me a sign.

I saw Deshaun Watson, who was supposed to the throw the first pitch in the celebrity baseball game, cowering in the corner and pissing himself in the dugout. “Deshaun!” I yelled, “we need your arm strength! If you pick up this live hand grenade and hurl it back at the blimp before it detonates, you might be redeemed in the eyes of the public for all those disgusting sexual acts you did to those masseuses. Maybe not though. But what other choice you got?! Hurry before it explodes!”

Watson gathered up the courage, climbed out of the dugout, picked up the grenade, and with all of his strength he launched it towards the blimp.

He was right on the money. The grenade exploded, and the blimp came tumbling down onto the field.

Sally was in a daze when she climbed out of the wreckage. “Holt!” Pete ordered as he lifted his 9mm towards her. But Sally was too quick. She drew her weapon and shot Pete in the abdomen.

Then she turned her gun towards me and laughed maniacally. “I finally have you where I want you, Jack Hardcock!” Sally said, “Prepare to meet your maker, Cleveland scum!”

Sally then ripped an entire clip into my direction, but to her surprise, every bullet missed. I dodged my way over to Pete’s position. With one hand over the bullet wound, he tossed me his 9mm with the other. “Pete,” I said, “without my .38, I’m useless!”

“I believe in you, Jack,” he replied, “have faith!”

I lifted the 9mm and emptied five bullets into Sally. As she dropped to her knees, I walked towards her, still aiming the weapon. “But why, Jack?” she asked, “I was only trying to clean up the streets. Wouldn’t your God approve?”

“No Sally,” I said, “Vengeance is the Lord’s. And I am His instrument.”

I fired one more round into Sally’s skull and her body fell to the ground.

TO BE CONTINUED…

2022 NFL Predictions

Since I was absolutely 100% correct in my Super Bowl predictions, here are my predictions for the upcoming NFL season: 

-Mike McCarthy will get fired less than six games into the season. Kellen Moore is named HC. Dallas Cowboys make the playoffs. Moore is named Coach of the Year.

-Jared Goff will be Comeback Player of the Year.

-Buffalo Bills, Los Angeles Chargers, and Las Vegas Raiders will all fall below expectations.

-Kevin Byard will be named Defensive Player of the Year.

-Tom Brady will have another 5000 yard season. Will NOT win MVP. Despite playing at a high level, he WILL retire at the end of the season and this time he’ll mean it.

-NFC Championship: Los Angeles Rams/Green Bay Packers

-AFC Championship: Kansas City Chiefs AND….The DENVER FUCKING BRONCOS!!!!!

-A player will expose himself on the sideline.

-Aaron Rodgers will have a bizarre press conference and people will begin wondering about his mental state if they weren’t doing so already. Will win another MVP.

-Aaron Donald will kill a man (non-player) on the field.

-A game will be moved back a day due to “safety concerns” 

-Troy Aikman will cry while calling a game.

-Matt Rhule will pull a Steve Sarkisian, coach a game drunk, and WIN.

-The most rushing yards in a single season will be broken this year by Jonathan Taylor, Nick Chubb, or DAVID MONTGOMERY?!

As usual I stand by all of my predictions. So if you follow my advice, prepare your bank accounts. You’re about to be a millionaire.