“Stop drinking out of the toilet,” my father told me.
Dad taught me the important lessons in life.
He’d take me to Home Depot and yell at the paint associate. Afterwards, Dad would show me the construction workers, contractors, and day laborers, and say “those are real men,” then disappear to the bathroom for a few hours.
Usually I’d cry myself to sleep when he’d come home drunk, turn the gas stove on, and threatened to burn down the house.
I’ll never forget the lessons he taught me.
Dad never said much. But finally, on his deathbed, he told me, “if I knew it would end in type II diabetes, cirrhosis of the liver, and coronary artery disease, I would have done everything different. I never loved your mother. You’re embarrassing to me as my son. I regret everything.”
So I packed too much Copenhagen into my lip and started throwing up profusely.
A woman knocked on the bathroom door and asked “are you alright?”
I said “who the fuck are you?”
She said “I’m your wife, I haven’t seen you in four years and I need child support.”
I said “क्षमा करें मुझे अंग्रेजी नहीं आती”
She said “your son’s here. He wants to talk to you.”
“Which son?” I asked.
She said “Flavio Briatore Alexandro McFinny.”
So I put my ear up to the door and asked “Flavio, is that you?”
“Yes dad,” he answered. “Why don’t you come home? It’s been too long. I miss our time together. You’ve missed too much. I’m getting married this summer. You have a beautiful grandchild on the way.”
“Flavio, I wish it were that easy,” I replied.
“We forgive you,” he said. “All I’ve ever wanted is to be a family. I want you to know your grandchildren. I want us to get to know one another, to make up for lost time. There’s nothing in your past that can’t be forgiven. You just need to forgive yourself.”
Could it be true? Have I been too selfish? Have I been wallowing in my self-loathing for far too long that I’ve missed the important things in life?
“Flavio?” I asked. “What are you going to name your child?”
“Arianna Francesca”
I emptied out all the contents in my pockets: the uppers, the downers, the benzodiazepines, the methamphetamines, the methylenedioxymethamphetamines, the oxycodones, the lysergic acid diethyliamides, the sildenafils, the simvastatins, and my trusty Derringer. I took a deep breath and opened the door.
“You’re under arrest for the possession of narcotics, solicitation, and public indecency. You have the right to remain silent….” the officer said.
The Internet Ruined Everything 