Most people get their opinions from “books”, “news”, “science”, “education”, other “external sources,” and “other people”.
Not me.
You see, I’m an actual FREE thinker.
Everyone keeps telling me “you should stop drinking your piss.” But why? It’s completely natural.
My ex-wife keeps saying “you need to pay child support.” But how do you know he’s my son?
The police keep telling me that I have to “wear pants at the public library.” But I don’t follow the laws of man.
I’m not one of you sheeple.
Look, you guys have been clamoring for this.
I don’t want this story to continue. YOU do.
Therefore I am holding you personally responsible for everything I write henceforth.
***
“You can’t use racial slurs in conference calls!” the Human Resource officer told me.
“Susan, stop,” I said, “you know how much you turn me on when you’re angry.”
“I’m afraid that you will be suspended without pay until the Board decides what to do with you,” she responded.
“I’m not racist!” I declared. “I was simply stating what the Papa John’s guy said in HIS racist phone call!”
“You are hereby suspended. Please vacate the premise.”
“Bitch,” I said as I stood up.
I was so upset that I got drunk and drove to a cockfight. As I was placing a bet, my friend Don noticed something was wrong.
“What’s on your mind Bill?” Don asked as we were sharing a crack pipe.
“I don’t know anymore Don,” I said. “I feel like I’m stalling. All I’m doing is filling my time with sex, drugs, and absurd behavior. It’s gotten me nowhere. I don’t ask for much. All I really want is a quiet life. Sounds simple enough but I can’t seem to get out of my own way. I’m lost and the walls are crumbling all around me. Is it possible Don? Is it possible that I am the problem?”
Don took a hit off the pipe and thought for a moment.
“Nah,” he finally said.
“You’re probably right.”
Then we picked up some hookers off skid row.
“You’ll be dead in a year if you don’t take your insulin,” the doctor told me.
“But I read in Golf Digest that diabetes is a myth perpetuated by Wilford Brimley,” I replied.
He didn’t want to have a conversation about it.
Woke culture gone bananas. Smh
Is it possible to write a story that lacks conflict, heroes, or villains?
Let’s find out
****
My guts were boiling.
I climbed out of bed, dropped my pants, and evacuated my bowels. It was a good shit.
Afterwards, I shaved my balls. And ass. I climbed in the shower and measured my penis: 3.5 inches soft, 5in hard (5 1/4in from the taint).
I shoved some eggs and toast down my throat and grabbed a coffee. As I was walking out to the driveway, my neighbor confronted me.
“If you blast your radio at 2am again, I am calling the cops!” he said.
I pulled out my Glock. “Look buddy,” I replied, “you’re on my property. That means I have the right to unleash holy hell right into your skull. So don’t fuck with me!”
Then I got into my car and turned up the radio. I bounced up and down all the way to work to the sound of ‘Big Fat Funky Booty’ by the Spin Doctors on repeat.
When I arrived, I walked into the office. “Hey baby,” I said to the receptionist, “when are you gonna give me a shot at those titties?”
“I’ve already reported you to Human Resources,” she replied. “Please don’t speak to me.”
“You don’t have to be such a bitch, sweetheart,” I said.
I went to my desk and pulled out a bottle of scotch. “A little early in the morning for that, isn’t it Bill?” my boss asked.
“You know I’m never sober before 8am, Dick,” I replied.
“Damn it Bill! I should fire you but you always do your best work drunk.”
“Thanks Dick. Say, when am I getting that raise?”
“Once when we get those lawsuits settled from all the faulty products you designed, you’ll get a 20% raise.”
“Fuckin snowflakes,” I said. “A little cancer never hurt anyone.”
“I think the judge will agree,” Dick replied. “He should. We paid him enough money.”
“Thanks Dick. You’re the best.”
Dick went back to his office and I pulled up porn on my work computer. It was a productive day.
TO BE CONTINUED
Think hard enough and you’d realize that life is pretty stupid.
Sure it’s easy to marvel at the miracle of consciousness, but when you consider the immensity of the universe, there’s nothing miraculous about it.
Your suffering is pointless.
The universe is the totality of all there is, all there can be. All possibilities are both infinite and determined.
God has abandoned you.
All is vanity, all is darkness. Consider Voltaire: we live in the worst of all possible worlds.
In this world void of hope, there is one beacon of light:
Arby’s: Put Some Meaning in Your Life
You know how there were a bunch of mediocre period films from the 80s and 90s?
You know, like Gandhi, Out of Africa, Titanic, Rob Roy, The Ghost and the Darkness, The Man in the Iron Mask, The 13th Warrior, Enemy at the Gates? Etc etc…
Has there ever been a movie that started off vanilla and then did a complete 180?
Like I have an idea of a period piece, during the Napoleonic Wars or Mongol Invasions or some shit, where the typical tropes are established: a virtuous hero, a mustache-twirling villain, a love interest, and a community standing up to the forces of evil, etc. The film will open with some boring quote on the nature of war: “In war, there are no heroes”, or whatever. Even the leading man will be the safest, whitest, most bland actor you can think of…one of the “Chris’s” probably (Chris Pratt, Chris Evans, Chris Pine). The entire first half will be nothing but tropes and cliches…even the cinematography and music are flat and unoriginal, to the point where the audience will stop paying attention…as our hero prepares his community for battle against some dumb villain.
Then the second half opens and all fucking hell breaks loose: the “hero” and his army, as one thing leads to another, just commits straight-up genocide in the most offensive and disgusting way possible. And the worst part: the “hero” doesn’t reflect on his dishonorable victory. To him, it’s all glory. The film is told from his perspective as he slaughters men, women, children, and takes slaves for good measure…all told through the lens of bland 90s filmmaking.
Then the lame quote from the beginning… “In war, there are no heroes” …reappears at the end, just so you can show the audience that you tried to warn them. And that’s the moral of the film: everyone is capable of evil so pay attention, we’re all blinded by ideology, blah blah blah
Is anyone else seeing what I’m seeing here?
Sure there are films that deliberately fuck with the audience, but is there one out there that fucks with the audience based on expectation (like making the audience believe they’re watching standard Hollywood fare, but reveal that they’re actually watching torture porn)?
Do people actually read Nietzsche or do they just quote him so that they appear smart?
Look, I love ramblings of insane people as much as the next guy but just because some dude from the past said something doesn’t make it correct.
Same thing with George Orwell. I legit never met anybody who read 1984. They claim that they have, but I know better. The libertarian types love bringing up Orwell, but I guess they forgot that while Orwell’s politics sound, to me, a bit nuanced, he was pretty solidly a leftist.
Maybe I just refuse to believe that anyone from the past has a greater insight into our present than we do today. It just doesn’t make sense. Bring Isaac Newton to the present and I guarantee that you could crush his ass in a game of Trivial Pursuit.
What are some other authors that stupid people claim to read (but actually didn’t)?
*cough*Christopher Lasch
*sneeze* Richard Dawkins
*fart* Christopher Hitchens
“You have to leave,” the waitress whispered to me, “your life’s in danger.”
“Don’t worry sweetheart,” I replied, “these nachos can’t do nothin to me that crippling diabetes hasn’t already done.”
THE END
Louis Anderson should have been more like Richard Dawson by hosting Family Feud drunk. It would have also been dope had he tried to kiss everybody. Not just the ladies. Everybody.
Oh well
At least he didn’t go out like Ray Combs did 😔
RIP
It’s everyone’s favorite time of the year: when America’s favorite bandwagon team, the Green Bay Packers, makes the playoffs and gets promptly bounced out by a lesser team.
To celebrate this event, during the 49ers game, I decided to choke on viagra pills. I collapsed on the floor and my wife stuck her fingers down my throat like a little baby and I threw up all over the carpet. My wife, god bless her, called 911. When the paramedics and firefighters showed up, they laughed in my face for wasting taxpayer money. But it worked because minutes later, Robbie Gould nailed a 45 yard field goal, sending San Francisco to the NFC championship.
This actually happened btw
So in solidarity with Aaron Rodgers and the Packers, I too decided to choke during the 4th quarter.
It’s a playoff miracle.
The Internet Ruined Everything 