Everyday I look in the mirror and see a shell of a man. When I drive to work, I consider jerking the wheel and careening my new Buick into oncoming traffic. My job has sucked every ounce of joy I find in the world.

So while googling ways to violently kill myself, I saw something that gave me a new ray of hope in this otherwise meaningless world: it was an advertisement to apply for the Transportation Security Administration. Armed with this new bit of excitement, I consulted ChatGPT to construct a commercial so that others may find purpose; a mission in life to provide safety and security for those flying through American airspace:

INT. OFFICE – DAY

We see DON DRAPER, impeccably dressed, sitting at his sleek desk in a stylish, mid-century office. He lights a cigarette, leans back, and looks directly at the camera with that signature Draper intensity.

DON DRAPER:
(In a calm, authoritative voice)
Imagine a man named Mike. Mike works a dead-end job, clocking in every day just to clock out, his spirit worn down by monotony. He’s invisible, unappreciated, and dreams of something more—something with purpose.

Cut to MIKE, a tired, disheveled man, punching the clock at his dreary job. His eyes lack spark.

DON DRAPER (V.O.):
Then Mike discovered a new path. He joined the Transportation Security Administration.

Cut to Mike in a crisp TSA uniform, standing tall and proud at the airport.

DON DRAPER (V.O.):
At TSA, Mike isn’t just a cog in the machine. He’s the first line of defense, protecting millions of passengers every single day. It’s a job that matters, a job with benefits that don’t just reward him, but his family too.

Scene changes to Mike handling a frustrated passenger at the security checkpoint. The passenger yells, but Mike remains calm and composed.

PASSENGER:
This is ridiculous! You guys are a joke!

MIKE:
Sir, I’m here to ensure everyone’s safety. I appreciate your patience.

Cut to Mike enjoying quality time with his family, smiling as he holds his daughter’s hand. A look of contentment on his face.

DON DRAPER (V.O.):
The benefits are tangible—healthcare, retirement plans, job security. But the real reward is knowing you make a difference, every single day.

Cut to a shot of Mike, back at the airport, calmly handling another irate passenger. He smiles slightly, eyes twinkling with purpose.

MIKE:
(To passenger, with a genuine smile)
I understand your frustration, sir. Let’s get you through quickly and safely.

DON DRAPER (V.O.):
Mike doesn’t dread Mondays anymore. He doesn’t just have a job; he has a mission. And the benefits? They’re just the beginning.

Final shot of Mike standing tall, watching the passengers move safely through the airport. His face is serene, his stance proud.

DON DRAPER:
(Facing the camera, a hint of a smile playing on his lips)
Sometimes, the toughest jobs have the greatest rewards. At TSA, you don’t just work—you protect, you serve, you thrive.

ON-SCREEN TEXT:
Join the TSA. More than a job. A mission.

The TSA logo and website appear on the screen.

DON DRAPER (V.O.):
Join us, and find the purpose you’ve been looking for.

Fade out.