Tag: dock Ellis

On pooping your pants in public

Thank you for joining me for this very special emergency post. We have witnessed reports coming out of Beijing of a woman defecating herself during an athletic competition in front of god and all the Chinese. Despite the embarrassing situation, the woman, identified as Joanna Wietrzyk of Australia, finished first place in the HYROX competition all whilst fecal matter visibly seeped from her spandex shorts and down her legs.

From the perspective of The Internet Ruined Everything, this is an athletic feat on par with Bill Moro bowing a perfect game on 9/11 or Dock Ellis pitching a no hitter on LSD. Yet Wietrzyk’s achievement has stirred up an international controversy. Many are left wondering if the HYROX committee should have removed Wietrzyk, paused the competition, and disinfected the course.

I have reached out to an expert on the matter, the scatologist Dr. Peter Houndmouth of the University of Tampa Bay at the Jacksonville campus in Ocala.

Montana: Dr. Houndmouth, thank you for joining me.

Houndmouth: My pleasure, Beau.

Montana: So tell me, what were your initial thoughts when you first heard the news out of China?

Houndmouth: I tell ya, I dropped everything and immediately searched the internet for every image I could find. So far, I’ve collected 378 images and clips. So this is all I’ve been doing for the last 24 hours. It’s been nonstop staring at Ms. Wietrzyk’s buttocks and the spew of poo streaming down her legs. I tell ya, this is every scatologists’ dream.

Montana: Well many on the internet are concerned about sanitary safety, particularly for the other athletes. Is there any merit to these concerns?

Houndmouth: Beau, I’ve been in this business for over 20 years. Do you know how many bike seats I’ve put my nose up to? How much ass sweat I’ve gotten on my fingers while doing “research” at the gym? I’ve only gotten pink eye a few dozen times. I assure you, eating ass is a totally healthy way to build your immune system and bring pleasure to your partner. But it doesn’t necessarily have to be a sexual thing. Lots of people enjoy the sights, sounds, smells, and even taste of poop. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. I recommend to your audience that every night, particularly after physically strenuous days, to remove your underwear and place it over your head. Breathe in deep the day’s stank. And if you go commando, you can always steal a your wife’s dirty pair. But whatever you do, don’t let her catch you or else…

Montana: …Okay, so to get this conversation back on track, in your professional opinion, Wietrzyk’s incident did not pose a health risk to others?

Houndmouth: Gee, ya know, it’s difficult to say. If I had more physical evidence, I could give a more definitive answer. One way that we could get to the bottom of this is if Ms. Wietrzyk sent me her soiled shorts. Since this news has broke, I’ve been pinging her DMs relentlessly to no avail. So Joanna, if you’re reading this, please send me your dirty shorts. If you can’t send me that pair, then any pair of underwear will do. I promise to use this clothing for research purposes only. I have not, and never will, get an erection from holding a woman’s soiled underwear because I’m a real doctor from a real college and…

Montana: …alright! Thank you, Doctor. And thank you to all of you for joining me for this emergency post 🙏

Goodnight!

Welcome to the hall Dock

I think I owe my readers an apology. So far, the only two people inducted into the Real Ass Dude HoF have been a rage-addicted lunatic who became a legendary basketball coach and and ordinary joe who bowled a perfect game on 9/11. They earned their spots I must say. But if there’s one man who exemplifies the spirit of this prestigious hall the best, it is legendary MLB pitcher Dock Phillip Ellis Jr. The mistake I made was putting Robert Montgomery Knight in the hall before him.

That’s on me.

But Dock Ellis won a World Series title with the Pittsburgh Pirates in 1971 and was a fierce advocate for his fellow African American players in the league. After retiring, he overcame drug addiction and assisted others on their road to sobriety. He died in 2008 at age 63. These things alone are enough to put Ellis in rarified air. He overcame social injustices and personal demons to thrive at the highest levels in professional baseball.

And in truth, that should be his real legacy.

But people today probably remember him best for a game on June 12th, 1970. While playing against the Padres in San Diego, Ellis pitched a no hitter. What made this achievement even more remarkable is that he did this while under the influence of LSD. This event is now canonized in baseball lore, and while it has been subject to scrutiny, Ellis’ retelling of it is stuff of legend. There’s nothing I can say here that could top what he and others have said and written about it. My advice to you, if you haven’t already done so, is to go see for yourself.

And it’s for these reasons why Dock Ellis is the third inductee into the Real Ass Dude Hall of Fame.

Where’s Beau?

So I’ve been getting a lot of questions lately. Questions like:

“Are you dead?”

“Are you taking a break?”

“Have you FINALLY given up on writing?”

And really the answer to all these inquiries are quite complicated. Of course I’m dead. I haven’t felt a thing since Dock Ellis pitched a no-hitter on LSD in 1970. And I’m not really taking a break either.

I think what’s happening is that my brain has been fundamentally rewired. A lot’s happened over the last two months. For starters, I work 900 hours a week and I’m trying to get HOT (as in sexually attractive). Obviously that takes a lot of time.

Have I given up on writing altogether?

Not exactly. I’ll just say my writing activities have been…redirected towards other outlets (and that material will never see the light of day). It might be a minute before I return to writing fiction.

GOOD NEWS though: I’m mulling over giving the internet what they’ve been clamoring for. That is, of course, showing my penis on OnlyFans.