Ranking the 50 States (Top 10)

10. South Dakota

“South Dakota, really?” Yes, REALLY. What seems like one big wheat field at first glance is actually one of the coolest states there is: Sturgis, Deadwood, the Black Hills, Mount Rushmore, Badlands National Park, and the greatest movie of all time, Dances With Wolves, was filmed there. It might be the most overlooked state there is.

9. Utah

If it weren’t for the Mormons running everything here, this place might rank higher. But geographically, this state ranks up there with the best of em.

8. Oregon

Honestly, Oregon isn’t my cup of tea but I can respect it for what it is. It’s far and away better than Washington, and Portland can beat Seattle’s buttcheeks blood red in being a real ass city.

6/7. New Hampshire/Vermont

Let’s just be clear, there’s no difference between Vermont and New Hampshire. Maybe there’s a huge rivalry between the residents of these two states, but no one outside of that gives a fuck. That being said, if I could live anywhere, I’d like to live here. It’s peaceful, quiet, beautiful, and people don’t seem to be ignorant. That’s a rare combination.

5. Arizona

Sedona, Lake Havasu, Grand Canyon, Tombstone, etc, etc. Phoenix and Tucson are moving on up towards being real ass cities. At number 5, Arizona can’t get much higher (unless it legalizes pot)

4. Texas

Texas isn’t just a state on a map. It’s also a state of mind. It’s a place for people who like to drive like a goddamn maniac, curse Jerry Jones, and open carry for no other reason but to feel one step closer to death. You either get it or you don’t. And unfortunately, I get it.

3. California

Suck it losers. You can laugh at California’s problems all you want. Gas can be $50 a gallon with wildfires raging every 20 feet and this state would STILL rank number 3. Because here’s the thing that Americans that live in the other 49 states don’t understand: Californians don’t think about you. They know they live in one of the the coolest states…and one of the greatest places anywhere in the world…and you don’t. Boo hoo.

2. Colorado

I got REALLY high at a McDonalds in Denver and forgot where I was at. I tried the same thing at a Starbucks in San Diego and it just wasn’t the same. In short, Colorado is the best state to get high in.

1. Hawaii

No matter where you’re at in the United States, or in the world for that matter, we can all agree: we’d rather be in Hawaii right now.

Rip Michael Krueger

If I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a thousand times: I am to Tubi what raccoons are to trash. So if Tubi puts something up there to watch, by God I’m watching it and leaving a godawful mess while I’m at it.

Why though? Why would one put themselves through pointless agony?

I’ll tell you why: Mindkiller and Night Vision.

Before you read this, you probably never heard of either of those films. But now you have. So I’m providing a FREE public service: finding overlooked gems before they are totally and completely forgotten. I’m a historian, this is what I do.

Both films were directed by Michael Krueger and both…according to IMDb…were released in 1987. Unfortunately, Krueger died in 1990, presumably leaving both films to lie in obscurity until their resurrection into the public consciousness by Tubi.

You might think I’m being facetious over my praise of Krueger’s work, but I assure you, I genuinely enjoyed both movies. Sure, they might look like cheap after-school specials…the sound editing is particularly atrocious in Mindkiller…but a few technical issues aside, aspiring filmmakers should take note: where you lack a budget, you can make up for with heart.

As you all know, I have a horrible memory. So I don’t recall too many plot details. But Mindkiller, roughly, is about a dork librarian who reads some outlandish shit and he begins to control minds. I think. He then begins to control the mind of his love interest, played convincingly by Shirley Ross as a strait laced librarian.

Ross then flips the script for Night Vision, also as the love interest, as she plays a street wise video clerk showing her boyfriend the ropes. The streets of Denver have never looked so mean. Remember, this was the 80s, before all the hipsters moved in and gentrified the place. But supposedly Night Vision is also a horror film. I think a VCR is demon possessed or something. While I don’t remember being scared, I do remember being taken in by the film’s earnestness and Ross’ performance.

It’s a shame that Krueger didn’t have a longer career. But I am thankful for what we did get.

RIP