007 First Light II: Second Light

Listen, I know I said that I wouldn’t talk about James Bond again until Denis Villeneuve announced the name and cast of the next film, but there’s a lot at stake here. Despite the talent and resources that Amazon has poured into the 007 franchise, I’m still bearish on its prospects. Disney did the same thing for Star Wars and look at what that got us. And before they got their hands on Star Wars, JJ Abrams and Alex Kurtzman torpedoed Star Trek. So all I’m saying is that we should prepare ourselves for the enshittification of yet another legacy IP. For 60 years prior, The Broccoli name, in addition to being behind the famous vegetable, rested on the quality and success of the James Bond franchise. That is no longer the case. Jeff Bezos’, Denis Villeneuve’s, Steven Knight’s, Amy Pascal’s, and David Heyman’s careers will all go on regardless of the success of the next production. In other words, James Bond is no longer a family operation. It’s now a product that can be bought and traded like any other commodity. So beware.

But, on a positive note, the first Bond video game in years has been overwhelmingly well received. And it should have. Whoever made it apparently spent $200 million to make it. I watched the first 13 minutes of it on YouTube. I’m not a gamer, so I can’t assess its quality as a game. But I guess the premise is that you play as James Bond, starting as a British SAS operator, on until he receives his license to kill from MI6. From what I saw, it didn’t feel like James Bond, but so what? I suppose the idea is to follow him from being James Bond, common pissant, to becoming James Bond 007.

There’s a lot of speculation over how much this video game is informing us on the future of the film franchise. And it shouldn’t come as a surprise that, in my personal view, watching the “birth” of James Bond 007 might make a good video game, but it would make a disastrous film concept. I’ll reiterate that James Bond has no beginning. He’s more myth than man. While No Time to Die controversially killed him at its conclusion, death is such a connecting theme across all the movies that I thought it was a fitting end to Daniel Craig’s tenure. While Casino Royale did show Bond briefly before he became 007, it was maybe three minutes of the total runtime and it was disconnected from the larger plot. Casino Royale also hinted at Bond being prior SAS, which would make sense, but should that aspect of his career be explored?

There’s a lot of problems with it. First off, Bond is a lone wolf. Being former military (I’m a veteran of World War Two AND One), I can tell you that Bond’s proclivity for winging it and ignoring orders whenever it damn well suits him wouldn’t go over well in any Army. And two, Bond is well educated and has an appreciation for the finer things in life. That alone wouldn’t prevent him being in the Army and/or Royal Navy, but, with all due respect to those who served, his posh lifestyle wouldn’t mesh with military culture. ADDITIONALLY, being Cambridge educated, he probably wouldn’t have been an enlisted grunt. He would have certainly entered military life as a commissioned officer. So James Bond as a troop commander? I mean, it makes more sense than seeing him as an enlisted piss ant. But even then, Bond would likely grow tired of this role, probably not understanding why his troops don’t have the same kill and survival skills that he has. In short, while a great filmmaker can make anything work, I think it’s best if we leave this aspect of James Bond’s life to the video games and not put it on the big screen.

But there’s something here that producers HAVE to get right. While there’s been many interpretations to the character, there’s something they all share: James Bond is a broken man. He’s not a moral man. If the winds have blown slightly differently, he would have been MI6’s enemy and not its hero. The franchise isn’t about tropes and cliches—the tux’s, the martinis, the women, or the gadgets—those are all distractions for both the audience AND for the character himself. Because James Bond at his core, for a lack of a better description, is suicidal. He’s nothing without the mission. Only danger provides any sense of comfort. Long before the SAS and long before MI6, James Bond made a wager on himself: It’s much more interesting to be alive than to be dead.

And whatever caused this gigantic hole in his soul can be hinted at. But it can never, ever, EVER be explored in great detail.

First Light

Things are at a fever pitch within the James Bond universe. B-heads are in a tizzy. For the first time in a long time, a new Bond video game is coming out, First Light, with the title song by Lana Del Rey. Additionally, we inch closer to production of the Denis Villeneuve-directed installment. And until the cast and title of the production is announced, this will probably be the last time I will discuss James Bond for the foreseeable future.

I’ve discussed what I think will probably happen — we’ll probably get a cerebral look into James Bond’s origins. I’ve stated my objections to this premise but it’s out of my control. The best I could offer is how to make that premise work, assuming that’s the direction they’ll go down.

But the question is: what do I want?

I’ve said time and time again, the objective for screenwriter Steven Knight and Denis Villeneuve is simple: just tap the ball. Audiences are already primed so there’s no need to do too much. I’m sure Steven Knight is more than capable of delivering a solid script. My concern is for Villeneuve. I’ve seen nothing in his filmography that would suggest he could handle the James Bond aesthetic. But time will tell. To be honest, I’d rather have a non-auteur behind the camera, someone who knows how to deliver the goods. I’m thinking of someone like Top Gun:Maverick director Joseph Kosinski.

But if I had a shot at the script, I’d simply restore the formula: a cold open that’s unrelated to the main plot, a complicated and hilariously convoluted plot, and an over-the-top yet simple villain. Are all of those things somewhat out of step with modern storytelling? Absolutely. But that’s part of the charm. James Bond is a callback to escapist cinema. Besides, it would be refreshing to see at this point. In our dark and cynical times, seeing a crazy villain out for world domination, without respect to global politics, would be a return to an older era: when good guys were good guys and bad guys were bad guys (even if Bond himself is a morally grey character working for the good guys). It would be a good jumping off point for the main plot: world leaders on edge over some realistic crisis are suddenly brought together to handle an ACTUAL bad guy. So the level headed British dust off the world renowned alcoholic, gambling addict, womanizer, and borderline sociopathic serial killer James Bond to save the day. And save the day he does. By the end of the film, the nations of the world are united thanks to Bond’s PP and his Walther PPK. Meanwhile, Bond himself couldn’t give less of a shit. While the United Nations uncork Champagne bottles and cigars, he’s in some mountain hideout and fuckin his way from one end of the room to the other. And the ending title card reads James Bond Will Return.

Audience applaud.

As for actor playing James Bond, I have no opinion. Villeneuve expressed a desire for a Sean Connery-like portrayal and I’m fine with that. But if that’s the direction they want, they’ll have to get an actor in his late 30s to 40s. In fact, Bond should perpetually be late 30s and 40s. He’s a force of nature and not necessarily a character with an origin and an ending. He’s a living myth. So no need to give him a biography or motivation. Just send him on a mission and let him cook.

THAT’S the James Bond movie I want.

If u love it let it go

This is the great dying of beloved franchises. And while I can sit back and laugh at Star Wars and LotR fans for their respective enshitifications, I too have witnessed the sad decline of the much loved series Star Trek, which had as much of an impact on me as James Bond. Luckily for me, I had Redlettermedia guide me through the mourning process and now I hardly think about Star Trek at all. In fact, in my head canon, Star Trek effectively ended with Enterprise in 2002. Fans can gloat on about how under appreciated Discovery was, or how good Lower Decks and Strange New Worlds is, etc, etc. But it’s over for me.

This is the way it should be. For something to be truly appreciated, its very existence has to be jeopardized. But this also allows us to pave way for the future.

I could have bitched and moaned about Denis Villeneuve and Amazon’s decision to focus the next Bond movie on 007’s early adventures in a 3+hour action romp, but whatever. That’s out of my control. I’m an old Bond head and the next film is not being made with me in mind. I turn 109 next summer. It’s time for some new blood. But unlike with Star Trek, there will be no one to help me through the mourning. James Bond doesn’t have that kind of fan base. I have to sit alone in a garage with a bottle of Taaka and a loaded .38 and weep alone. At least that’s the way James Bond would have wanted.

But in the words of megalomaniac Paul of Tarsus, it’s time to put childish things away and accept that James Bond died by a brutal missile barrage in No Time To Die. That’s the way he would have wanted it.

The sum of all fears

If you ask me what my greatest fear is I’d tell you that it’s being caught by the Colombian cartel, lit on fire and getting tossed from a helicopter into alligator infested waters. If you ask me what my second greatest fear is, I’d tell you that it’s Jeff Bezos and Denis Villeneuve fuckin up the James Bond franchise in the grandest way possible.

You know that they will. And there’s nothing we can do about it. Not one goddamn thing.

I’ve made several pitches on this blog about how to revive the franchise. And all of my calls have gone unanswered. So I’ll make my final stand here.

To Jeff Bezos. To Steven Wright. To Denis Villeneuve: all of you better listen and you better listen damn good. My advice to you is to not overthink it. Just send James Bond on a regular ol mission like they used to do in the olden days.

But you and I both know that’s not happening. A two hour runtime just isn’t how tentpole movies are made anymore. Additionally, no one wants a James Bond backstory. He is an inexplicably broken man between the ages 35 to 55 and there’s no need to go deeper than that. But you will.

So you want to fuck up the franchise? Fine. It’s your money. But here’s how you do it:

Cold open. A young 20 something James Bond 007 is on a mission. We don’t need to go into the backstory. We need to go back to the days of Goldfinger. The cold open should be a beautiful piece of nonsense: Bond infiltrates a compound, blows it the fuck up, and then beds a woman. Show the audience what this movie is capable of. So Do what they did in Goldeneye. You wow the audience with not ONE incredible stunt. You do TWO. And you do it all in seven minutes or LESS. The days of 20 minute cold opens are over. And once the final stunt is complete, it rolls over into the title sequence. And I cannot stress this enough, DO NOT fuck this up. The title song needs to be Goldfinger, Nobody Does It Better, and A View to a Kill all in ONE. You need to get to work on this yesterday!

With the title sequence over, it’s time to roll over into the plot. It’s 10 years later. M is played by Idris Elba. He’s sitting behind his desk and he is bored AS FUCK. Everyone keeps coming into his office telling him that the latest drone strikes have been successful and he waves them off. Tanner comes in with yet another boring ass report and M loses his shit. “Remember when this job used to be fun?” he moans to his chief of staff.

“No sir,” says Tanner.

Meanwhile, who exactly the bad guys are has become less clear and the world is mired in rising tensions between the US, Russia, and China. But a strange eccentric billionaire has come on the scene (we’ll call him Beff Jezos) and he’s doing some weird shit while world leaders are looking the other way. M keeps his eye on him and he keeps warning the Minister of Defense but the Minister waves him off. Then M gets a call from his counterpart in US intelligence. He tells him that Jezos is stepping up his weird shit and that he wishes they can go back to the olden days. “Remember James Bond? That guy was cool as shit. He could get to the bottom of this,” the US intelligence chief tells M.

“That was a different time,” M says.

He hangs up the phone and pours a scotch. He takes his glass to the reception area to discuss matters with Moneypenny. She briefs him on the day’s usual bullshit and he nods and takes a drink. “What ever happened to Bond?” he asks her.

“James Bond? Last I heard he was back in the Navy,” she says.

“You haven’t spoken to him since?”

“As far as I know he still plays baccarat at the casino.”

“Do you mind paying him a visit? Ask him if he’d like to come visit me. I just want to catch up on old times.”

Moneypenny raises an eyebrow but agrees. That night she goes to the London casino. She enters and in the faraway corner she sees James Bond, not in a tux but dressed casually, throwing down some cards. He’s playing across the table from Sylvia Trench. Moneypenny is stopped at the door and she asks to speak with Bond. The receptionist retrieves him and he steps out into the lobby to talk to his old colleague. He’s clearly three sheets to the wind.

“M would like to speak to you,” she says.

“About what?”

“He wants to catch up on old times.”

Bond laughs and lights up a cigarette. “Tell M I’m now a commander in the Royal Navy. They’re about to give me my own ship. Tell him I’m never coming back.”

“You know he won’t take no for an answer.”

“Yeah? Well if he wants to talk to me, I’m sure he can find me.”

A few days later, we see Bond in his sharp Naval uniform as he’s reporting for duty as an XO on a battleship. He shows up, gives out a few orders, and then he gets ripped out by his captain for showing up late. In the middle of this asschewing, an admiral steps in. The Admiral is M, now wearing his naval uniform. The captain jumps to attention and salutes. “Sir, had I of know you’d be here…,” he pleads.

“This is an unscheduled visit. Now if you’ll excuse us, I’d like to speak with Commander Bond alone.”

The captain nods and departs. It is revealed that James Bond’s last mission as a 00 agent went sideways and he lost his confidence. M then proceeds to give him a Colonel Troutman like speech about him being the best and that the world, and England, needs him. M hands him a Universal Exports business card. “If you need me, you know where to find me,” he says.

Bond takes the card and spends the next several days in agonizing pain as he considers his career options.

Meanwhile, shit gets real with Jezos. He steals nuclear weapons or some stupid McGuffin and threatens the world with it. The Minister of Defense calls M. “Activate the 00s,” he orders.

“About bloody time!” M beams.

James Bond shows up at the nick of time and is given the rundown. He goes to Q to pick up his gadgets and quips “just like the olden days,” and then he’s sent on his mission. Early on, Bond stumbles a bit while he tries to shake the dust off. But while he’s tracking down a henchman, he dons his signature tuxedo and he does some badass shit with his gadgets, and the audience cheers just like when they saw Batman again in the Dark Knight Rises because James Bond is BACK!

And that’s just the first hour and half of the movie!

James Bond 2049

You know what, good for Amazon. Everyone rightfully shit on them for wrestling away the James Bond franchise from the Broccolis and they immediately turned the narrative around by landing the hottest director on the market right now. All that Denis Villeneuve does is hit balls out of the park, from Prisoners to Sicario to Blade Runner 2049 to Dune. If you want to shut your critics right the fuck up then you get this guy on your team.

With this announcement, the countdown is on. We’re only months, possibly weeks, away from the casting of a new James Bond actor and with Villeneuve on board and an infinite amount of money at his disposal, James Bond has entered A-list territory. Not that James Bond wasn’t A-list before. Academy Award winning director Sam Mendes already helmed two 007 pictures. But this time something feels different and I’m not sure what to think about it.

Villeneuve has a distinct style; a certain way his pictures move: visually rich, slow paced, big ideas, etc. In some ways, he’s not all that different from Christopher Nolan. But unlike Nolan, there’s nothing about Villeneuve’s filmography that screams James Bond 007. And given how big studios have fucked up big named properties in the last decade, I still think Amazon has to prove itself. Villeneuve doesn’t change that.

No one bats 1.000.

Maybe a part of me doesn’t want Bond to be “elevated” material. Mind you, even before Amazon, the Broccolis began this elevated process during the Daniel Craig era. But I think old school fans like myself are screaming for simpler times. Bond doesn’t need an emotional arc. Just make the movies episodic, ya know?

But the Villeneuve announcement has received an overwhelmingly positive reception on the internet and the only one who’s not excited is me. And I think I know why: for the first time, the next James Bond that will be cast will be younger than me. That’s not a big deal, it’s just an unusual experience. I’m beginning to feel my age. And that’s when you realize that they are no longer making movies with YOU in mind.

So this is very much a ME problem. I’ve told y’all time and time again: if I ever become one of those old guys who can’t roll with the changes then you have my expressed permission to find me in a dark alleyway and shoot me dead. But that doesn’t make things any easier so bear with me.

With all this said, the silver lining is that at least the James Bond franchise is in better hands than Star Trek 🤷‍♂️

Strange New Worlds. it’s pretty good 😔

So I guess I owe Alex Kurtzman an apology.

I was reading an article somewhere by someone that ranked all the Star Trek TV series. They placed placed SNW at #3.

Already.

Only four episodes have aired.

But here’s the sad part: I’d rank it there too 😔

Yes, SNW is pretty damn good. I’m ashamed to admit it. The nerds may nitpick the series to death. They may question its science or its adherence to canon. They may bitch about nuTrek being too “woke” (Star Trek’s always been woke). They, like me, may never want to admit Alex Kurtzman finally did something right. But they know in their hearts: SNW is quality Star Trek.

I knew Star Trek had a JJ Abrams/Alex Kurtzman problem when Into Darkness went into production a little late because, it seemed, they just straight up forgot about it. And the final product was predictably shit.

That’s when I came to the conclusion that Star Trek should have died with the ending of Enterprise. OR they should have waited longer than 5 years to reboot the franchise.

ST just wasn’t out of the public consciousness long enough to make much of an impact, I felt. And to be honest, I still kinda feel that way.

Can you imagine if Paramount waited until NOW to reboot Star Trek?

We probably would have been given an “R-rated” treatment directed by Denis Villanueva, where the 24th Century would have been presented as completely alien to the 21st Century audiences. Probably graphic violence and nudity galore as Starfleet officers take it all in stride due to Vulcan, stoic ideals permeating the Federation.

It was a missed opportunity tbh because Paramount wanted to continue exploiting the pockets of Trek fans.

But, finally, 13 years after ST09, we finally get quality Star Trek. 👍