James Bond 2049

You know what, good for Amazon. Everyone rightfully shit on them for wrestling away the James Bond franchise from the Broccolis and they immediately turned the narrative around by landing the hottest director on the market right now. All that Denis Villeneuve does is hit balls out of the park, from Prisoners to Sicario to Blade Runner 2049 to Dune. If you want to shut your critics right the fuck up then you get this guy on your team.

With this announcement, the countdown is on. We’re only months, possibly weeks, away from the casting of a new James Bond actor and with Villeneuve on board and an infinite amount of money at his disposal, James Bond has entered A-list territory. Not that James Bond wasn’t A-list before. Academy Award winning director Sam Mendes already helmed two 007 pictures. But this time something feels different and I’m not sure what to think about it.

Villeneuve has a distinct style; a certain way his pictures move: visually rich, slow paced, big ideas, etc. In some ways, he’s not all that different from Christopher Nolan. But unlike Nolan, there’s nothing about Villeneuve’s filmography that screams James Bond 007. And given how big studios have fucked up big named properties in the last decade, I still think Amazon has to prove itself. Villeneuve doesn’t change that.

No one bats 1.000.

Maybe a part of me doesn’t want Bond to be “elevated” material. Mind you, even before Amazon, the Broccolis began this elevated process during the Daniel Craig era. But I think old school fans like myself are screaming for simpler times. Bond doesn’t need an emotional arc. Just make the movies episodic, ya know?

But the Villeneuve announcement has received an overwhelmingly positive reception on the internet and the only one who’s not excited is me. And I think I know why: for the first time, the next James Bond that will be cast will be younger than me. That’s not a big deal, it’s just an unusual experience. I’m beginning to feel my age. And that’s when you realize that they are no longer making movies with YOU in mind.

So this is very much a ME problem. I’ve told y’all time and time again: if I ever become one of those old guys who can’t roll with the changes then you have my expressed permission to find me in a dark alleyway and shoot me dead. But that doesn’t make things any easier so bear with me.

With all this said, the silver lining is that at least the James Bond franchise is in better hands than Star Trek 🤷‍♂️

Bond 26: “The Skin of Your Teeth”

When I was growing up, I wanted to be only one thing: the next Tom Mankiewicz. The man who brought you gems like Hart to Hart wrote three James Bond films early in his career. After Peter Hunt controversially changed the formula with On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, Mankiewicz was brought in to update the franchise for what is perhaps the greatest decade in cinema: the 1970s.

The results were a mixed bag: Diamonds Are Forever, Live and Let Die, and The Man With The Golden Gun. But I think Mankiewicz largely succeeded. While most films from the decade zigged into gritty realism, Bond movies zagged in favor of over-the-top campiness. While this is a controversial opinion, I truly think this helped save the franchise. While Roger Moore isn’t my favorite Bond (or second, or third), I wouldn’t trade his portrayal or Guy Hamilton and Lewis Gilbert’s directorial contributions for any other alternative that might’ve better suited the times. Most Bond fans would agree with that sentiment. And we largely have Tom Mankiewicz to thank for that.

Which leads me to our current times. James Bond is dead. Of course he’ll come back. But how?

News is slim. While initially I put weight into the rumor that Aaron Taylor Johnson would be the next Bond, that now seems unlikely. I don’t expect the announcement of a new James Bond actor anytime soon.

But more importantly, where should the series go from here? While Daniel Craig’s portrayal was universally praised, I think it is generally accepted that producers need to aim for a lighter tone in the next era. That means no more renegade agents hellbent on revenge. Fans and audiences want a return to basics: a spy on a mission fuckin and killin for England.

The series has been in this position before. The end of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service had James Bond nearly in tears over the death of his wife. Saltzman, Broccoli, and head of United Artist David Picker said ‘fuck this! Bring Connery and Guy Hamilton back!”. Enter Tom Mankiewicz to punch up the script and the result was Diamonds Are Forever. It was two hours of Sean Connery lazily walking through cheap sets and even cheaper SFXs as Bond attempts to thwart the latest stupid plot from Ernst Stavro Blofeld. It was insane and bordered on parody. It was genius (and the third highest grossing movie of 1971).

So my advice to Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli is this: go the Diamonds Are Forever route. Americanize the setting a bit, bring in a comical and/or over the top actor for the villain and let’s have some fun for christ sake! And no need to address Bond’s “death” in the previous film. There’s no continuity to these movies anyway! Just do what you did in DAF. While it is assumed that Bond was avenging his wife’s death in the cold open, Connery was playing it as though he just enjoyed throwing guys through walls and strangling women with their bikini tops. The events of OHMSS aren’t addressed at all! And that’s what needs to happen in the next film, which I have titled The Skin of Your Teeth. Because one of the coolest James Bond moments was in The Living Daylights when Timothy Dalton says “whoever she was I must have scared the living daylights out of her”.

That was dope.

So in the new cold open, Bond barely escapes and M says “you escaped by the skin of your teeth.” Then the screen fades into the title sequence with naked women spinning around in silhouette and Adele returning to sing the theme.

Hell yeah dude 👍

That’s why I’m the next Tom Mankiewicz

Quantum of solace

I don’t think there was a soul on this planet that wasn’t disappointed with Quantum of Solace upon its release, especially after the Bond franchise was riding high with Casino Royale two years earlier. But I have since changed my view. While I’d never argue that it’s the best Bond film, I will certainly argue that it might be the most interesting one.

But we should get this out of the way: the editing is atrocious. While the action makes more sense on second or third viewing , it presents itself as a mess on the first. Which is a shame because Quantum of Solace is a very fine looking film. It’s up there with one of the best in the franchise. While I think the filmmakers were going for a more rugged and frantic style that I think was in vogue at the time, they did themselves a disservice. Even by 2008, that look had overstayed its welcome. My biggest complaint with the movie is that they didn’t let shots linger and worse yet I hated some of the clunky transitions. Some have often wondered if there is missing material that, to my knowledge at least, has not been shown to the public. If that’s the case, then Marc Forster deserves to have his director’s cut.

But most of the complaints from the time were with the script and the rather low stakes that Bond finds himself in compared to other films. It’s not about world domination this time. The villain just wants control of Bolivia’s water supply. That’s pretty unsexy all things considered. But in retrospect, it’s the script (that I think was “hampered” due to a writer’s strike) that I quite like. Bond doesn’t go to his usual uppity Mediterranean stomping grounds. This time he’s in often overlooked locations like Port Au Prince and the aforementioned Bolivia. And I think that these unusual places (for Bond) works in the movie’s favor. This isn’t the usual travel log that we’re used to seeing. One thing that was never explored in these movies is the often cynical and political nature of clandestine operations. We’re only shown the sexy side. So I think Marc Forster did an excellent job at contrasting the luxurious high life of James Bond with the poverty stricken lives of real, discarded nations that we typically want to ignore.

But this leads me to a problem: should James Bond be political? While I don’t have an issue with the film itself being political, I could argue that it would be somewhat out of character for James Bond to be cognizant of these issues. As I’ve always said, James Bond is a dangerous man who’s found a profession that works for him. There shouldn’t be a political bone in his body. Obviously they wanted to expand the character under Daniel Craig, which I think was a rousing success. But some of the issues brought up in the script sounded like they were from Craig personally (I believe during the writer’s strike he had some input into the screenplay) and not something organically from Bond. But I digress. I can see both sides of the issue.

But what I liked best about Quantum is how many of the trends in Bond pictures are bucked. Despite killing numerous people, Bond doesn’t directly kill the bad guy OR the object of his revenge. Additionally, he doesn’t sleep with the leading lady (a very underrated Bond girl in my opinion) and the one woman he does sleep with, he later gets yelled at by M for taking advantage of her. There are many times where this outright doesn’t feel like a 007 picture and it works for me.

I think the best way to view Quantum of Solace is to see it as an extension of Casino Royale. In fact, watch it immediately after Casino Royale. While I praise Marc Forster, I think it was a shame that Martin Campbell didn’t return for Quantum. I think that would have added a degree of stylistic continuity that viewers missed in 2008. But as it is, I think Quantum of Solace deserves a rewatch.

Aaron Taylor Johnson

If y’all can remember, Eric Bana was “officially” announced as James Bond by several major news networks prior to the naming of Daniel Craig. So while nothing, insofar as I can tell, has been released by the Broccolis or Eon Productions regarding the casting of the next James Bond, I think there’s enough smoke around Aaron Taylor-Johnson that we can safely assume he’s probably the new 007. If not, then it’s April Fools’ Day, so…April Fools.

But I support this choice for a few reasons. For starters, he has a pretty big penis. And secondly, his wife is over 20 years older than him. So salute. But that’s enough about the man himself. How would he perform as the world’s most famous secret agent?

I should state that I’ve only seen Taylor-Johnson in two movies. So maybe I don’t have the most informed opinion on his abilities. But he looks like the kind of guy that can handle the humor.

I’ve been revisiting some of the Roger Moore films. While he’s not my favorite Bond, nor my second favorite, and probably not my third favorite, he did bring a certain levity to those movies that I miss. If I have a criticism of Craig, and there’s not many, is that he might have been too much a brute. As much as it pains me to say, Craig was far from the funniest Bond. But what he restored to the part was a sense of danger which was sorely missed during the Moore and Brosnan eras. That’s one aspect from Craig years I hope the producers don’t jettison. As obvious as it seems now, James Bond needs to LOOK like he can handle himself in a fight.

Taylor-Johnson, again, coming from an uninformed opinion, appears like he’s the best of both worlds: both bruteness and levity, which seems like a nice change of pace given our current times.

And he has a big penis.

Booty cheeks

For the first time in my 109 years on earth, I’m trying to get hot. I mean, I’ve actually started combing my hair. Can you believe that shit?

I’m also trying to get absolutely JACKED. I want to rise up out of the ocean like Daniel Craig in Casino Royale with a blue speedo on and everyone think “I want some of that” before i disappoint them with my helplessly average penis. The problem is I’ve never weighed more than 98 pounds in my life.

Instead of looking like Daniel Craig, I look more like Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver.

To help put on the weight, I’ve just started pounding the supplements and basically eating out of a trash can. Whatever shitty food is out there, I’ve been eating it. And nothing has been shittier than Burger King.

So I pulled up to the window to place my order. The girl asks over the intercom “can I take your order?”

I say “yeah, I’d like a crispy royal chicken and…”

“Can you hold on a second?” she rudely interrupts.

So I sit there quietly for ten minutes before she comes back. “Sorry about that, can I take your order?”

“Yes, I’d like a crispy royal chicken…”

“Hold on.”

26 minutes later she comes back. “I’m sorry, are you ready to order?”

“Yes, a goddamn crispy royal chicken sandwich with a fucking Pepsi!”

“We only serve Coke products sir.”

“I don’t drink that piss water!”

“So you want just the chicken sandwich?”

“Yes! And some chicken fingers too!”

“Would you like any barbecue or Buffalo dipping sauce?”

“Give me some Buffalo sauce!”

“We’re all out of buffalo sauce sir.”

“Nevermind then. Just give me some fries!”

“Small, medium, or large?”

“Medium!”

“You can only do small or large.”

“Fuck me! Just give me small.”

“Will that be all?”

“Get me a strawberry shake too!”

“That will $204.97, first window.”

Then when they gave me my order, they handed me a bacon cheeseburger with onion rings! Instead returning it and ranting and raving like I’d normally do, I ate it and it tasted like ASS.

THE END

It’s been a minute since I’ve had some good ass dreams. I think that’s why I’ve been going through a creative rut; my subconscious just kinda crapped out. That is until last night when I dreamt about Dustin ‘Bustin’ Diamond (resurrected from the dead. RIP) reprising his role as Screech for American Legend: A Saved By The Bell Story. It’s entirely possible that I was confusing Screech with ‘Landry’ from Friday Night Lights, as Screech was a Texas high school football placekicker who gets an athletic scholarship to UCLA where he unlocks his secret athletic prowess by switching to wide receiver and becoming a fucking legend. I might run that one through AI and see what it comes up with because I sure as shit ain’t writing that. But I did have another interesting dream, this time involving continuity in the James Bond universe. Obviously there’s been multiple actors that have played the role. Are they all the same James Bond? It’s an age old philosophical question. The solution that my brain came up with is that they are the same character, but each actor represents a different personality because James Bond secretly has dissociative personality disorder. This came to a head, because, in my dream of course, I was James Bond and while on a mission in Berlin, I fought an apparition of Daniel Craig who was actually an internal representation of my mental instability. Fortunately, I was saved by the Bond girl because the apparition was actually a result of an epileptic seizure.

Aaron Taylor-Johnson

Let Kick-Ass be the next James Bond. I don’t give a shit.

It probably won’t be him though. Barbara Broccoli and Michael “G” Wilson are likely to pull another Daniel Craig and go for an actor you might’ve seen before but didn’t suspect. As they should, by the way. The Craig maneuver was controversial at that particular moment, but it paid off.

In all likelihood, it will be a non-white actor. Anti-SJWs have bitched about this, but it’s really not that big of a deal. Yes, in the books, the character was white. But let’s be honest: except for From Russia With Love and Casino Royale, the books are kinda shit. James Bond has been a way more influential cinematic character than a literary one. Really the only prerequisite for an actor to take over the role is that they be from the British isles or a former protectorate (except the US or Canada). And it should always remain that way. I will riot the day they announce a Canadian James Bond. So in all honesty, the only actor I’d LOVE to see as 007 is Idris Elba, who has unfortunately aged out of the role. He’s about as Connery-like as one could be.

I will say this for the 32-year-old Taylor-Johnson however: he’s married to 55-year-old director Sam Taylor-Johnson.

He’s a man of my own taste.

The 90s Reevaluated

Sorry, still sick so here’s another phoned in post.

Pierce Brosnan has been blowing up my news feed for whatever reason. I guess he’s playing some superhero or whatever, but I don’t watch that stuff. Unfortunately this has created a lot of (likely clickbait) opinion pieces that reevaluate his James Bond tenure.

I’ve always placed Goldeneye in the top 5 Bond films, which is where most 007 fans have historically placed it. But there’s a massive drop off with Brosnan’s other three films. The consensus is that while Brosnan could have been a great James Bond, his movies were either mediocre or terrible.

Or, I should say, this WAS the consensus during the Daniel Craig era.

Now that Craig’s moody and brooding Bond is dead and gone, perceptions on Brosnan’s portrayal have shifted. Craig’s 007 matched the times while Brosnan’s seemed clownish by comparison.

But after two years of a pandemic, record high inflation, and superhero movies flooding the theaters, audiences seem primed for a more tongue in cheek James Bond. So the Daniel Craig era is looking more passé by the second.

People are looking to return to a simpler time. And the most (relatively) simpler times in recent memory is the 1990s. At least this is my best explanation for why Pierce Brosnan is undergoing a micro-renaissance.

As a side note, the Star Trek: Next Generation films (which were also released in 90s) are being reevaluated. This is probably due to the cast returning for the final season of Picard. So Generations, released in 1994 and which infamously killed the original Captain Kirk, is being discussed again.

Why I bring this up is because a fourth “Kelvin era” Trek film, starring Chris Pine as nu-Captain Kirk, has stalled for probably the 10,000th time (thank god). While that (hopefully) means we won’t ever see Zachary Quinto as Spock and Karl Urban as McCoy again, that does NOT mean we won’t see Pine as Kirk again.

Why?

Because as any Trek fan can tell you, while Shatner’s Kirk was killed in Generations, technically his existence is preserved in some “ribbon” that floats around in space where time doesn’t mean anything blah blah blah. And this “ribbon” hasn’t been mentioned in Star Trek since.

So you can see where I’m going with this: when another Trek film makes it to the streaming services sometime this decade, the original Captain Kirk will be pulled out of this ribbon to be played not by William Shatner but by, you guessed it, Chris Pine.

Anyways, enjoy the 2020s, aka the 90s Reloaded.

Don’t let the sun go down on me

Slow day at work, so me and coworkers watched No Time To Die.

I was the only one that’s seen it prior. And I gotta say, it’s better on the second viewing. I think knowing how it ends, you can appreciate some of its intricacies.

There’s kinda a somber tone throughout. And the cinematography is incredible. The film constantly looks like it’s evening, like the sun’s going down on James Bond. And not just for 007, but for Blofeld and Felix Leiter, both established (and parodied) characters in the long running franchise.

It’s a shame that the Academy didn’t give Daniel Craig a Best Actor nod. He really gave a fulfilling performance for a character that didn’t have much depth prior to his portrayal.

But damn it, I knew how it ends. But I couldn’t help myself: I cried in front of all my coworkers.

mens fashun

For a man that dresses like Larry the Cable Guy everyday (I’m not a redneck btw. I just like the aesthetic), I sure do appreciate men’s fashion.

Unfortunately, as all of you very well know, I’m cheap….often to my own detriment.

But these are some of my favorite men’s fashion icons and looks:

Daniel Craig

I’m straight, for the most part. But I will always make an exception for Daniel Craig.

The man can roll around in cow shit in his underwear and make it look good. As far as fashion is concerned, he can do no wrong.

He’s best known for playing James Bond. But, in my humble opinion, his finest fashion hour was in Layer Cake. That film is nearly 20 years old, yet he still makes those clothes look fresh.

Of course, it helps to have a body of a god.

Roy Williams

Fuck UNC and Tar Heel basketball! If it weren’t for Bart Ehrman (honestly, a fashion icon in his own right), Chapel Hill would be North Carolina’s landfill.

The only thing that it’s basketball program had going for it was Roy Williams’ fashion sense. You gotta admit that those were some dope ass blazers he wore.

Mike Tomlin

Mike Tomlin caught some flak a few years ago for not giving a flat fuck about being fashionable. But why should he?

He’s my favorite football coach for multiple reasons. He’s never had a losing season, and he can ROCK a pair of aviators, a baseball cap, and a headset.

Definitely the coolest coach in the NFL

The “70s college professor”

Nothing says sophistication like a corduroy jacket and sweater vest.

Add a pipe and suddenly you’re the smartest man in the room.

Turtleneck and Leather Jacket

Let’s be clear: this is the most powerful look a man could wear.

#Facts