professional teams I love to laugh at

You won’t find the Dallas Cowboys on this list. Sorry to disappoint. We all know they’re perpetually mediocre so why bother wasting words?

Chicago Cubs

I’ll admit, I don’t particularly like baseball. But weren’t the Cubs, like, losers for over 100 years? Then 2016 happened and suddenly everyone’s a fan?

Miss me with that shit.

God bless Steve Bartman. I hope it’s another 100 years before they win another World Series.

The Entire Premier League

You know what sucks?

Arsenal, Manchester City, Tottenham Hotspurs, Brighton, Manchester United, Chelsea, Liverpool, Brentford, Leeds United, Fulham, Newcastle, Southampton, Bournemouth, Wolverhampton, Crystal Palace, Everton, Aston Villa, West Ham, Nottingham Forest, and Leicester City.

Fuck all of em…in that order. American sports fans catch a lot of shit, and rightfully so. But the British are on a whole other level.

Y’all need help.

But REAL football fans watch the Scottish Professional Football League.

Green Bay Packers

The gold standard for bandwagon teams are the Dallas Cowboys. But I think it’s high time for the Green Bay Packers to claim that title.

3/4ths of that fan base can’t tell you where Green Bay is. Half the fans probably don’t know that the team is in Wisconsin. And a quarter of the fans can’t tell you who the quarterback was before Aaron Rodgers.

And speaking of Brett Favre, yeah I laugh at the guy every single day, but if you’re a Packer fan and you’re STILL upset that Favre briefly played for the Minnesota Vikings…fuck off.

The NFL is a PROFESSIONAL league and what Favre did was make a business decision. So be thankful for what you got out of him.

Besides, yeah your team chokes in the playoffs every year but at least you’re not the…

Houston Texans

The Detroit Lions and Cleveland Browns at least have history. The Los Angeles Chargers have dope-ass uniforms. And the Jacksonville Jaguars are too inoffensive to make fun of.

Most snake-bitten franchises at least have something going for them.

Then there’s the Houston Texans, a team that’s so perpetually incompetent that they now just let a chaplain run the front office. I guess they figure that God save that dump of a franchise.

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Bruce arians HoFer

It’s day three being tobacco free. Everyone and every THING pisses me off.

Bruce Arians retired. Which was enough to annoy me. Then I read this bullshit:

Well TOO late buddy! You guys should have thought of that before putting Jimmy “fucking” Johnson in the Hall of Fame.

When it was announced a few years ago that Johnson was going to be inducted, many were shocked that he wasn’t already in. I was the only one shocked they were letting him in at all.

“😭😭But he’s got two Super Bowl rings and restored the Dallas Cowboys as America’s team 😭😭,” you might cry.

Well guess what? Have you ever considered that Jerry Jones was RIGHT when he said any coach could have led the Cowboys to the Super Bowl…especially after Barry Switzer won one two seasons later with the same team?

That’s right: I’m Team Jerry Jones in this fight!

And besides, according to Mike Asti, we shouldn’t count Johnson’s two Super Bowl wins because the Cowboys had a stacked roster that included THE MOST SUCCESSFUL RUNNING BACK OF ALL TIME.

Sorry, if you have a talented roster and you’re a head coach, you don’t get credit for the wins. I don’t make the rules 🤷‍♂️

My point is that Jimmy Johnson (and, honestly, Dick Vermeil) is the benchmarks that all modern coaches must hurdle if they want to make the Hall of Fame.

And Bruce Arians hurdles it pretty well. Arians’ career was technically shorter than Johnson’s: 8 full seasons as a head coach, and one season as an interim for 12 games (a season in which, it should be noted, he won NFL Coach of the Year). In those 8 full seasons, Arians became the winningest coach for one team (Arizona Cardinals) and led the other one (Tampa Bay Buccaneers) to a Super Bowl win. His win/loss record, including the playoffs in that 8 year stretch is 86-51-1. If you include the one year as interim HC for the Indianapolis Colts (where again, he won CoY), that record stretches to 95-54-1…in nine seasons.

Jimmy Johnson’s record in nine seasons (including the playoffs)? 89-68.

Yes, both coaches only achieved 2 division titles. And Johnson went to the postseason 6 times compared to Arians’ 4. But again, the HoF committee would have to reckon with Arians’ one “unofficial” year as Indy’s head coach, because that team DID go to the playoffs (where Chuck Pagano resumed head coaching duties). So, technically, Arians went to the playoffs 5 times.

Also, Arians won CoY twice, where Johnson won once. Might not mean much, but every little bit helps.

Therefore Bruce Arians’ career can be summed up here: 95-54-1, 2xCoY, 1xSB winner.

Compared to Johnson: 89-68, 1xCoY, 2xSB winner.

Look, I’m not saying that Bruce Arians SHOULD be in the Hall. My argument is that if you’re gonna put Jimmy Johnson in, you definitely have to put Arians in.