Tag: Courtroom drama

And yet another shot at the title (part xvi)

“Mr. Pietermeister, where were you on the morning of September 3rd?” Mr. Shapiro asked as he began his line of questioning.

“Objection, your honor,” Dan interjected. “This is a civil case, not a criminal one. My client’s whereabouts are not pertinent to the matter at hand.”

“Agreed,” the Judge nodded. “Try again, Mr. Shapiro.”

“Yes, Your Honor, contrary to my counterpart’s opinion, Mr. Pietermeister’s whereabouts is pertinent to this case,” Shapiro added. “For on the morning of September 3rd, the plaintiff attended a mental health counseling session. As we all know, poor mental health is also a personal and moral failing.”

“Ben-Jamin,” the Judge firmly said, “this court is not interested in your moral pontifications. Moving forward, your arguments had better be related to this case or else I will hold you in contempt.”

“Very well, Your Honor,” Shapiro said. Then he picked up a thick stack of papers and began thumbing through them. “If the court turns to section 3B/214 on page 387 of the contract between Pietermeister and Trainwreck Productions, the legalese clearly states that the chief executive officer OR a representative in a position over the plaintiff may terminate this contract for any moral failing AND, in so doing, Mr. Pietermeister must forfeit certain monetary compensation as determined by the CEO, who, in this case, is our defendant Jimmy Del Greco.”

Great, I thought, the first time I ever attended therapy and it cost me $52 billion. I looked over to Dan who was frantically looking through the contract.

“So as you see, Your Honor,” Shapiro concluded, “due to the plaintiff’s weak character between attending therapy AND his run-in with the appointed director of Chatty Cathy, Trainwreck Productions had just cause in terminating its relations with the James Pietermeister and are therefore owed $52 billion.”

“Objection, Your Honor,” I yelled.

“Mr. Pietermeister, your legal counsel should be the ones objecting,” the Judge said.

“Well I object to your ruling,” I replied.

“But I haven’t ruled anything yet!”

“I must protest this farce that you call a courtroom,” I continued. “I protest the defense counsel. I protest Jimmy. I protest the very laws that govern the State of California. I’m an innocent man and I call for a retrial!”

“James, what the fuck is wrong with you?” the Judge asked. “YOU’RE the plaintiff! That means you were the one that brought this case to court!”

Dan stood up. “Your Honor, I’d like to call a recess.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

And yet another shot at the title (part xv)

From the Reno Gazette Journal

Woman curses god for making her judge in Los Angeles County

By Chris Hansen

A judge for the Los Angeles Superior Court agrees to hear a complaint from filmmaker James Pietermeister against Trainwreck Productions studio head Jimmy Del Greco. The famed director is accusing the executive of extorting him of $52 billion.

“How many fucking times can this guy curse these halls of justice?” asks Judge Sandra Day O’Conor Barnhart. “Mr. Pietermeister is a menace to society and I’d extort him out of billions too!”

Mr. Pietermeister is being represented by Dan Gillespie. Meanwhile, Mr. Del Greco has sought the services of famed right-wing provocateur Ben-Jamin “El Supremo” Shapiro in his legal fight.

Meanwhile in other news, man burns his asshole by…

***

Dan was mindlessly perusing through legal documents while we waited for the judge. “I gotta hand it to you,” I said to him, “you got us on the docket rather quickly.”

“It was simple really,” Dan replied. “When you’re short on time, blackmail always comes through in a pinch.”

I nodded in agreement. I could tell he was nervous by profusely sweating and reeking of alcohol. “I have faith in you,” I told him. “Jimmy may be prudent but he’s no match against us big guns.”

Dan finished shuffling through his papers and threw them back in his briefcase. “It’s not Jimmy I’m worried about,” he says. “It’s that bastard Shapiro.” I looked across the room and noticed Jimmy and Ben-Jamin smiling and slapping each other on their backs

The bailiff stepped into the courtroom and everyone was silent. “All rise!” he ordered. The Judge came in and took her place. “The Honorable Justice Sandra Day O’Conor Barnhart presiding,” the bailiff concluded. Then she banged her gavel.

“Let’s get this bullshit over with,” she ordered. “Dan, state your case.”

“Thank you, your honor,” Dan began. He stood up, straightened his suit, and started addressing the court. “Your honor, according to a sworn affidavit we’ve obtained from Ms. Cassandra McHale, it is plainly obvious that the contract negotiated by Mr. Del Greco and signed by my client Mr. Pietermeister was not done in good faith. It is therefore the argument of the plaintiff that he does not owe the defendant the compensation stated.”

“Very well,” the Judge said. “Ben-Jamin, what say you?”

Shapiro stood up and stared at the court. “Illegal aliens, the Department of Education, the IRS, the UN, homosexuality…how much more can this country take?!” he shouted. “Your honor, this case is just another waste of taxpayer money. When will the American people stand up and say enough is enough?!”

He then reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a Glock 19. “I am currently exercising my constitutional right to carry,” Shapiro explained. “And if we want take back this country, the American people must also exercise this right in courtrooms across the country. I therefore call Mr. Pietermeister to the stand.”

I sighed and approached the witness stand. I placed my left hand on the Bible. “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?” the bailiff asked.

“I’ve never told a lie,” I lied then took my seat.

TO BE CONTINUED…