Jack hardcock: Christian detective (part vii)

“I received a page from my beeper,” Gregg yelled. “They spotted Sally alone off Market Avenue!”

So Gregg and I piled into his 78 Buick Regal and sped off northbound into town. “What are we gonna do when we catch her?” Gregg asked.

“Just gonna ask her a few questions,” I said.

But before we reached Market Square, a black SUV rammed into the side of us. The Buick crashed into the side barrier then went over the edge into the Cuyahoga River.

Thankfully the river wasn’t on fire at that particular moment.

***

Gregg and I were individually strapped to a chair in an abandoned warehouse. We were revived by a blinding flash of light.

“Well well well,” a voice said from behind the light. “If it isn’t disgruntled Ohio BCI agent Jack Hardcock and local Cleveland gangster Gregg Poppovich. You two make strange bedfellows.”

“By the authority of Jesus Christ, I demand to know what’s going on here!” I exclaimed.

The light shut off and in front of us were three FBI agents. I recognized one of them. “Peter Tucker,” I said.

“Jack, how’ve you been?” Peter replied.

“Pete, untie us now! I don’t know what Sally told you, but I am not the killer!”

“Yes I know,” he said, “I just wanted you to know that I am in charge here.”

“What do you mean?”

Pete lit up a cigarette. “You see,” he stated, “we know that Sally and her minions are the ones that killed Art McGarth and many, MANY others.”

“If you have something to say, Pete,” I said, “spit it out. We don’t have all day.”

Pete took a long exhale as smoke billowed out his mouth. “Sally is a vigilante, Jack,” he continued. “We’ve keeping a watchful eye on her. She’s been executing pimps, prostitutes, drug dealers, stoners, plumbers, hipsters, Hoobastank, and anyone she deems a menace to society. She’s gone renegade, Jack. She thinks she’s above the law.”

“My God!” I said. “That means…”

“Yes,” Pete interrupted, “that means you were next.”

An agent came up and cut Gregg and me loose from our chairs. “Since you’re in charge,” I said to Pete as I massaged my wrist, “what happens now?”

Pete put out his cigarette and stepped out from behind his desk. “Jack, you can fool BCI but you can’t fool me,” he said. “I know you want back into the Federal Bureau. Cleveland’s a toxic wasteland. It’s Ohio’s toilet for fuck’s sake. It’s no mistake that the Browns are perpetually terrible. This city is cursed! I know that you don’t want to spend the rest of your career here.”

He handed me my .38. “All I’m asking,” Pete concluded, “is that you help me catch Sally. If you can do that, we can forget that time you accidentally burned down a retirement home and shot up a Denny’s. You’ll be back in the Bureau. What do you say?”

I looked him square in the eye.

“Pete, if I help you do this and you go back on your word,” I said, “you won’t have to wait on the Second Coming. I’ll send you straight to hell myself.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

cleeveland “browns”

https://www.beaconjournal.com/story/news/2022/06/22/deshaun-watson-suspension-amid-new-lawsuits-cleveland-browns/9676780002/

Cleveland, OH…

Cleveland Browns…

The joke writes itself.

But who the fuck hires a defense attorney named RUSTY HARDIN? When you hire a guy like that, Deshaun Watson might as well wear a sign that says “I’m guilty AF but there’s nothing you can do about it.”

A lawyer like that comes stumbles drunk into a courtroom talkin like Foghorn Leghorn, then says something like “your honor, there is nothing constitutionally prohibiting my client from masturbating his exposed penis on a public bus! Where does the madness end?!!”

This is absolutely tragic.

Ranking the NFL uniforms (Part 1)

In the National Football League, uniforms are important. It’s more important than in any other sport, anywhere.

If you’re gonna deliver an ass kicking, you better look good doing it. Because when you look your best, you play your best.

So here’s my ranking of all 32 uniforms, starting with #32-20.

32. Los Angeles Rams

What pisses me off about this is that the Rams did have THE BEST uniforms before SoFi Stadium got lazy and decided its two teams needed to have similar color schemes. I guess it’s too much work to redecorate the stadium each week. It’s not like any other stadium does that (MetLife).

But this new look just looks cheap: the logo, the fade from white to yellow, everything.

31. Cleveland Browns

Probably only me and Cleveland fans like the team logo: the orange helmet. But there’s nothing extraordinary about the Brown’s uniform, at least historically. And that’s okay. Being boring and underwhelming fits the team perfectly.

What pisses me off though is how they keep fucking with the basic design. Just leave well enough alone. Plus the number on the side of the helmet looks like shit. I don’t care if it’s for their “75th Anniversary” or whatever.

30. Philadelphia Eagles

Don’t get me wrong, the Eagles helmet might be the best design in the NFL. But that bluish-green just sucks. Go back to the Kelly green of the Randall Cunningham era.

29. Atlanta Falcons

The all-black uniform isn’t too bad. A red helmet would really make it pop though.

But the black top with white pants just sucks. And the “ATL” above the jersey number just looks lame.

28. Cincinnati Bengals

The uniform doesn’t look too bad in this picture. But it real time, it’s just underwhelming. Unfortunately this will be the Bengals for the next 40 years because Cincinnati has the cheapest and most unoriginal ownership in the league.

Too bad we can’t fire owners.

27. Arizona Cardinals

There’s nothing wrong with boring. Apparently, some Arizona fans have embraced this plain look. But if you’re gonna be boring, embrace it. Ditch any sort of subtle design and stripes and just use straight red jerseys, socks, and white pants.

26. New York Jets

This new design doesn’t upset me as it does others. The all-black alternates suck though. Again, it’s just underwhelming, much like the franchise as a whole.

25. Houston Texans

Houston quietly has one of the best logos in the league. But those blue jerseys are unoriginal. They should make the red alternates the full-time uniform.

24. Seattle Seahawks

Seattle has never had a good uniform. And I absolutely HATED this one when I first saw it. But then Russell Wilson happened and this is slowly becoming one of the classic uniforms in the league.

23. Chicago Bears

Eh. I don’t know. Truthfully I didn’t know where to place this one. There’s a lot of history to this uniform, so I’ll cut it some slack. But some of the alternates are preferable.

22. Miami Dolphins

Some love this color combo. I don’t. But I respect it. Just thinking about Dan Marino slinging it while wearing number 13 gives me the goosebumps. But that new logo is terrible.

21. Denver Broncos

I hate the old late-90s redesign that was used primarily before the Payton Manning era. Luckily they’ve moved away from that, and replaced it with the superior orange jerseys. Now they just need to replace that dumb Bronco logo for the old Denver ‘D’. That would look pretty dope on that helmet.

20. Baltimore Ravens

Sometimes this uniform looks cool, especially against AFC North teams and Washington. Sometimes it sucks. They should ditch the gold lining around the numbers and the all-black alternates. Otherwise, this is a pretty solid uniform.