Confidence is key 🔑

Are you, like me, a fat and stupid loser that can’t find a job worth a shit? Well let me give you some pointers on succeeding in job interviews.

1. Put on a pair of pants. No one wants to see your bare ass ever, especially not in a professional setting. If you can, wear a pair of slacks that aren’t covered in Cheeto dust.

2. Don’t shit yourself. When they ask you questions like, “why do you want to work here?”, don’t panic. Say something like, “I have to feed my four cats,” or “I have a crippling gambling addiction.” Make your answer stand out.

3. Always come prepared. No interviewer wants to speak with some disheveled asshole stumbling in hungover. If you have to, prepare a speech. You could say something like, “hello, I’m so and so, and as you can see, I combed my hair and put on polo. As my dead grandpa used to say, ‘don’t come come to me looking like you fell out of a bull’s ass and expect a dime.’ So I aim to impress you with sheet of paper in front of you called a resume, which is a Polish word for ‘bullshit on paper’. A little about me: my wife left me and I’m a raging alcoholic. My salary expectations are $15.45 an hour.”

But whatever you say to a prospective employer, even if you’re a registered sex-offender that can’t find a job, say it with CONFIDENCE

More bullshit

So the manager of the toilet factory came stumbling up to my door the other night. He was covered in piss and crying his eyes out.

“Please Beau! Please!” he kept crying, “Come back to us!”

I laughed and shook my head. “You pathetic little man,” I said, “why would I come back to work for you? Since I left, I got my license to practice medicine in Aruba. I’m a real doctor now…something you could never achieve in a thousand lifetimes!”

“But but but,” he stumbled, “I promise to be nice to you and give you a raise!”

I paused for a moment. I considered all the malpractice lawsuits that I started accumulating and considered his offer. “I’ll think about it,” I said, “I also want my own office with a bathroom so I can take as many shits as I want.”

“Done!” he said.

Then I shut the door on his stupid fucking face.

So you read that correctly: after all the endless psychological warfare I committed against management earlier in the year, they want me back. And I’m seriously considering their offer.

The alternative is that I lose all of my money in lawsuits that I can’t possibly win. Come to find out, being a doctor is really hard. So I think I will surrender my medical license to the Aruban embassy (who I blackmailed into giving me anyway).

So apologies once again to all of my followers. My career is back in flux so I can’t dedicate as much time as I would like into reading your wonderful blogs. Please bear with me.

I love you ❤️

Here I go again

So the toilet factory is back to its same old shit. They tell me now that I need to stop taking extra long shit breaks. And I tell them that extra long shit breaks are good for the company because shitting is why we’re in business!

This is stressful. I am tired, depressed, and disappointed that I put this much effort into this shit business only to get treated like shit itself in return.

It’s bullshit