Through all the pain, misery, depression, crippling anxiety, diabetes, and mounds and mounds of self loathing, there’s still one thing I look forward to. In this day and age of misinformation, disinformation, economic uncertainty, deteriorating infrastructure, rising unemployment, political instability, climate change, senseless wars, endless online brain rot, spiraling death cults of personality, unwanted artificial intelligence, oligarchical domination, hatred towards the other, rolling back of civil rights, and an overwhelming sense of damnation from god, we must find joy wherever it may be found.

And you can find that joy specifically at Tim Hortons

Their delightful customer service will help you pick out the perfect coffee to stave off suicidal ideation for one more day with their choice of French Vanilla, iced cappuccino, mocha latte, or original blend.

Thinking about “detonating” your vehicle in a crowded downtown area? Consider picking up a delicious sausage and egg bagel before you do.

You see, at Tim Horton’s, we make modern life only slightly more bearable. We may not be able to cure your ass cancer or crippling medical debt, but we can make this meaningless odyssey towards death a bit tastier with our chocolate glazed donuts and cinnamon croissant muffins.

So run to the toilet and vomit up them sleeping pills! And when you’re done with that, stop into your local Tim Hortons and thank the pagan gods for creating Canada 🇨🇦

Tim Hortons ™️: Toujours frais, toujours Tim Hortons!