Tag: Bill Moro

On pooping your pants in public

Thank you for joining me for this very special emergency post. We have witnessed reports coming out of Beijing of a woman defecating herself during an athletic competition in front of god and all the Chinese. Despite the embarrassing situation, the woman, identified as Joanna Wietrzyk of Australia, finished first place in the HYROX competition all whilst fecal matter visibly seeped from her spandex shorts and down her legs.

From the perspective of The Internet Ruined Everything, this is an athletic feat on par with Bill Moro bowing a perfect game on 9/11 or Dock Ellis pitching a no hitter on LSD. Yet Wietrzyk’s achievement has stirred up an international controversy. Many are left wondering if the HYROX committee should have removed Wietrzyk, paused the competition, and disinfected the course.

I have reached out to an expert on the matter, the scatologist Dr. Peter Houndmouth of the University of Tampa Bay at the Jacksonville campus in Ocala.

Montana: Dr. Houndmouth, thank you for joining me.

Houndmouth: My pleasure, Beau.

Montana: So tell me, what were your initial thoughts when you first heard the news out of China?

Houndmouth: I tell ya, I dropped everything and immediately searched the internet for every image I could find. So far, I’ve collected 378 images and clips. So this is all I’ve been doing for the last 24 hours. It’s been nonstop staring at Ms. Wietrzyk’s buttocks and the spew of poo streaming down her legs. I tell ya, this is every scatologists’ dream.

Montana: Well many on the internet are concerned about sanitary safety, particularly for the other athletes. Is there any merit to these concerns?

Houndmouth: Beau, I’ve been in this business for over 20 years. Do you know how many bike seats I’ve put my nose up to? How much ass sweat I’ve gotten on my fingers while doing “research” at the gym? I’ve only gotten pink eye a few dozen times. I assure you, eating ass is a totally healthy way to build your immune system and bring pleasure to your partner. But it doesn’t necessarily have to be a sexual thing. Lots of people enjoy the sights, sounds, smells, and even taste of poop. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. I recommend to your audience that every night, particularly after physically strenuous days, to remove your underwear and place it over your head. Breathe in deep the day’s stank. And if you go commando, you can always steal a your wife’s dirty pair. But whatever you do, don’t let her catch you or else…

Montana: …Okay, so to get this conversation back on track, in your professional opinion, Wietrzyk’s incident did not pose a health risk to others?

Houndmouth: Gee, ya know, it’s difficult to say. If I had more physical evidence, I could give a more definitive answer. One way that we could get to the bottom of this is if Ms. Wietrzyk sent me her soiled shorts. Since this news has broke, I’ve been pinging her DMs relentlessly to no avail. So Joanna, if you’re reading this, please send me your dirty shorts. If you can’t send me that pair, then any pair of underwear will do. I promise to use this clothing for research purposes only. I have not, and never will, get an erection from holding a woman’s soiled underwear because I’m a real doctor from a real college and…

Montana: …alright! Thank you, Doctor. And thank you to all of you for joining me for this emergency post 🙏

Goodnight!

Welcome to the hall, Bill

Congratulations to Bill Moro for being the second inductee into the Internet Ruined Everything’s Robert Montgomery Knight’s Hall of Fame of Real Ass Dudes (IRARMKHoFRAD). His perseverance during America’s darkest hour resulted in bowling a perfect game. This single act has made Bill Moro an internet legend.

This is a controversial pick, I might add. Moro was against stiff competition from former presidents and musicians that a few of my detractors have deemed more worthy. And I feel that I should address this controversy.

The criteria I laid out for admittance into the Hall were clear: candidates must have demonstrated Real Ass behavior IN ADDITION to establishing a body of work that will “stand the test of time” regardless of any extracurricular or unsavory public activities. For many, this meant that Donald Trump would be a first ballot HoFer given his business history prior to holding public office. But as president of this Hall, I felt that Mr. Trump’s Real Ass behavior has greatly overshadowed whatever business success he may have achieved. It is for this reason that I have named Mr. Trump ineligible for IRARMKHoFRAD.

Mr. Moro may seem like an unlikely candidate for this distinction given his lack of credentials outside of the bowling alley on that fateful day. But I believe there is some precedent here. This last year, voters named Don Coryell into the Pro Football Hall of Fame despite his lack of postseason success in the NFL. Voters overlooked this crucial piece of criteria in favor of Coach Coryell’s vast influence over the league. It was the right call, and it’s the right call to name Mr. Moro as this year’s inductee.

Sometimes being a Real Ass Dude isn’t about throwing chairs across a basketball court or encouraging the public to inject bleach into their veins. Sometimes being a Real Ass Dude means demonstrating tenacity and perseverance; of being the one bright spot in an otherwise cruel world. And on September 11th, 2001, as planes were falling out of the sky and buildings were crumbling, Bill Moro demonstrated a fearless feat in bowling alley in Massachusetts.

Welcome to the Hall of Fame, Bill