We all piled into the Geo Metro with Dale pissing in moaning in the backseat while his leg started to fester. “I think it will need to be amputated,” he cried and cried.
“Not now Dale,” I said. “We’re on the cusp of something big here.”
Susan started the engine and we slowly rolled towards the UPS store. I placed the brown UPS hat on my head which completed my secret disguise: that of Fred Durst, the UPS driver who I left knocked out cold on my kitchen floor. His uniform I stole was slightly smaller than average and it felt like my scrotum would pop out of the bottom of the shorts at any moment.
“Don’t get too much blood on the seats,” I warned Dale.
“The pain! The PAIN!” he kept whining.
“Keep sipping on that bourbon,” I suggested. “That should keep you good and numb for awhile.”
Susan parked in front of the store and I climbed out of the front seat and grabbed the large box that Fred Durst tried to deliver before I punched his lights out. “I don’t expect any trouble,” I told Susan, “but if you see the Madam, just honk twice.”
After I shut the door, the man from the mattress store recognized me. “Hey! Weren’t you that jackass that kicked me in the dick yesterday?!” he angrily shouted.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about sir,” I said. “I’m just a simple UPS driver.”
“Then where’s your UPS truck at?” he asked.
I didn’t have an answer so I again launched my foot towards his crotch and kicked him hard. While he was writing on the sidewalk, again, I calmly walked into the UPS store and went up to the employee behind the counter. “Hello,” I told the employee, “I am Fred Durst. THE Fred Durst. I tried to deliver this package to a Mr. Doug Jones this morning and he told me that it actually belongs to a Madam Joelle. If you could give me her address, I’ll happily get it delivered to her.”
The employee popped the gum in her mouth and cocked her head sideways. “Why didn’t you bring it back to the warehouse?” she asked.
“Well, you know, the warehouse is a little out of my way and too much red tape and all that bullshit. I thought it would be easier to stop in here.”
“I can’t give you her address but a Joelle Miser does have a PO Box registered with this store. You can leave the package here and I’ll make sure she gets it.”
“Joelle Miser you said?”
“Are you sure you’re Fred Durst?”
“Yes. Middle name is Robert. Look, she urgently needs this package. Just give me the goddamn address and…”
“I can’t give you the address but if I get my manager…
“No no. That’s alright….”
“PHIL!!” she shouts.
Phil steps out from behind the curtains and pokes his spectacles up to his face then pulls his pants up to his navel as he eagerly steps to the counter to help. “What seems to be the problem?” he asks.
“This guy wants to know Joelle Miser’s address,” the employee explained.
“We can’t give out customer’s addresses.”
“Yes I know,” I said. “But I’m kinda in a hurry. Can’t you help a fella out? I wear the brown just like you.”
“Well what’s in the package?” asked Phil.
“I don’t fucking know. Some shit.”
“Let’s just open it up and take a look,” he said as he grabbed a box cutter.
“Don’t be an asshole Phil. Come on…”
“It’ll only take a second.”
Phil took the box and cut it open. He took out some packing paper and bubble wrap before reaching into the cardboard and pulling out a couple of kilos of black tar heroin. “Is this why you’re in a hurry?” he asked.
“Uh, I didn’t know that was in there,” I said.
“Well…,” he pondered, “it appears that a few federal crimes were committed. Just hang tight while I contact the authorities.”
“Please don’t do that,” I said.
“No no, it’s alright,” he assured me as he picked up the phone.
But I punched him in the face and took the black tar heroin for good measure then rushed out of the store and back into the Geo. “The Madam’s name is Joelle Miser,” I shouted to Susan. “Go go go!!!”
TO BE CONTINUED…