Tag: Arkansas Razorbacks

college teams I love to laugh at

So Meet William Shitz ain’t killing it in the ratings. But you know what? Fuck all y’all. It’s my finest work and if you can’t see that then you’re a stupid asshole.

But you know what does kill it in the ratings?

College football.

So here are the following schools that I love to laugh at because those teams, and their fan bases, suck and I hope their pain lasts forever.

Arkansas Razorbacks

Let’s get one thing straight: the Hogs have been decent under Sam Pittman. But y’all haven’t won a Natty since, what, 1964?

It ain’t happening. It ever gonna happen. Your basketball team will definitely win another title before your football team will.

Fuck the Razorbacks and that landfill known as Donald W. Reynolds Stadium (and the state of Arkansas).

Wisconsin Badgers

Quietly the most overrated team in all of college sports…in both football AND basketball. (I’ll never forgive Frank Kaminsky for flopping his way past the greatest college basketball team in the 2014-15 Kentucky Wildcats and into the national title game). Y’all just got beat by Washington State- AT HOME – but will still somehow manage to stay in the Top 25.

Wisconsin will always be given the benefit of the doubt. And why am I the only one that notices this?

Georgia Bulldogs

Mascot’s cute tho

Everyone hates on Alabama, but that’s just projection. Tide fans know that their team is better than yours so they don’t give a shit about your trash talk. I can at least share a room with these guys.

Georgia fans? Not so much.

Let’s go out and win a few more titles before you start crowning yourselves the new kings of the SEC. Mmmk?

Auburn Tigers

Pick a damn mascot, Auburn!

Honestly, I just feel sorry for you guys. I can’t imagine how the last 15 years have felt. And you guys have been pretty good during that span.

But no matter how well the team performs, the Auburn Tigers will always be the second best in a state that has nothing going for it other than college football.

Michigan State Spartans

The Spartans are the Auburn Tigers of the Big 10 and I can’t think of a bigger insult than that.

Texas A&M Aggies

Pop quiz hot shot! What does the “A&M” stand for?

If you guessed “Assholes & Morons,” you are correct!

I don’t know about A&M fans, but graduates of the institution are the most arrogant I’ve ever met. According to them, you either went to Texas A&M or you didn’t go to college.

So fuck College Station. Fuck Whataburger. And fuck Jimbo Fisher AKA the most overrated coach in college sports.

*****

But you know what’s not overrated? 5% off your next purchase at Dead Star Press when you use my promo code ‘BM5’.

You see, unlike the coaching staff for the Texas A&M Aggies, the authors at Dead Star Press actually have talent. So you wanna win a football game? Don’t bother with Jimbo Fisher’s playbook. Read Joseph D. Newcomer’s “Darkest Day” or Dan Scamell’s “Winston and Raymond” in Dead Star Press’s anthology “From the Dead” instead.

And while you’re there, pick up some sweet ass merch, like this comfortable t-shirt:

So use the code ‘BM5’ and get 5% off when you visit Dead Star Press

Dead Star Press: “Don’t be mediocre like Jimbo Fisher. Be a weirdo!”

5 times I said “lol that sucks” while watching football

5. Fake Fair Catch- North Texas vs. Arkansas

Nothing gives me more comfort than knowing that in this day and age of NCAA football, the Arkansas Razorbacks will never win a National Championship. They’re quietly the saltiest fans in all of sports.

Which is why this fake fair catch will always bring a smile to my face.

4. Justin Tucker’s 66 yard field goal– Baltimore Ravens vs. Detroit Lions

The misery of the Detroit Lions knows no depths (as we’ll see again later). Which is why it was perfect that the football gods chose them to be on the losing end of Justin Tucker’s record-setting field goal which will never be broken in my lifetime.

Unfortunately the NFL doesn’t want me sharing clips of the event (Roger Goodell told me personally) so from here on out, I have to share shitty camera phone angles from the stands.

3. Brett Farve’s worst fuckup in a career filled with fuckups- New Orleans Saints vs. Minnesota Vikings

Everyone jumped on the Vikings bandwagon that year. But I knew better.

How did I know?

Because one snake bitten franchise, the Minnesota Vikings, had Brett Favre as their quarterback. I’m mean, come on. Everyone had to have seen this coming.

2. Michael Vick droppin bombs on Washington– Philadelphia Eagles vs. Washington R*******

People ask me all the time: when did things start going wrong the Washington team, currently the biggest dumpster fire in all of sports?

It was this moment right here, when jailbird Michael Vick made one of the greatest throws in NFL history:

1. The Motor City Miracle– Green Bay Packers vs. Detroit Lions

Sure, Aaron Rodgers may be an pompous ass. But make no mistake: he can throw a football very, very far.

After seeing a completed pass like that, it should be clear to all Lions fans: God hates Detroit. 😔