Nothing makes me happier than seeing a washed up John Calipari donning the Razorback red.
To all my haters: you know who you are. I walked the streets of Fayetteville, proudly wearing Big Blue Nation garb. The Wildcats would storm into Bud Walton Arena and stomp Hog ass year after year. Then I’d have to suffer the shouts of “Fuck John Calipari and the Commonwealth of Kentucky” from Razorback fans…year after year. Well now the tables have turned.
The University of Kentucky men’s basketball club, perhaps the proudest basketball club in the NCAA, has been in purgatory for nearly a decade mostly thanks to the once great John Calipari. Realizing that he overstayed his welcome, he did me a favor and jumped ship to the bane of my existence: the Arkansas Razorbacks. Many Arkansas fans may see this as a win, but every Kentucky fan knows that this will only ensure that the Razorbacks will continue to dwell in tournament hell.
The curse that I have laid upon the University of Arkansas has been a rousing success. I promise…nay, GUARANTEE….that the Razorbacks will never win another championship as long as I live. You can take that to the BANK.
Rest in peace Ryan Mallet. I hope that this is a reminder to kids that nothing good happens in Destin, Florida. But I’d like to take this opportunity to do what I do best: shit on Razorback fans.
I’m sure there will be a bevy of obituaries in the coming days naming Mallet as one of the greatest Razorbacks to play for the program. And I agree with that statement. But none of y’all can fool me. I would know. I was there during the thick of things. I was a student at the University of Arkansas while he was the starting quarterback, plus we shared the same major. It’s odd that we never crossed paths considering I had classes with plenty of football players, but I know what all ya’ll said about him. And you know what? You guys didn’t deserve Ryan Mallet.
And I’m proud to say I was his biggest fan. It was just too bad his receivers couldn’t hold on to his passes. So shame on you Razorback fans and the entire state of Arkansas. I hope your losing ways continue forever and ever.
RIP
Now thanks to Bart Ehrman and James Tabor, the Gospel of Mark is HOT right now. I mean SIZZLING. I guess the Bible as a whole is assumed to be a part of the great literature canon, but it’s refreshing to see Mark being independently recognized for the genius that it is, despite its flaws.
There’s no shortage of lectures regarding the text on YouTube, especially from Tabor and Ehrman. There’s also a large selection of scholarly articles and books on the subject. But what I’d like to see is a secular commentary on Mark.
I’m sure one exists, but it probably costs $900,000,000 and you have to purchase it from some secondhand dealer in Bosnia. One needs to be written for the common man, and I believe I’m halfway up for the task. I’m not going to do it because there’s obvious problems with me writing it: 1) I’m not a scholar 2) I don’t want to cite my work 3) I hardly know Koine Greek 4) Do I have to get permission to use a certain translation? If so, fuck that. And 5) Who would want to read something from a guy who’s essentially a troll with a blog (and ONE published book, I might add)?
So someone else, PLEASE write this commentary for me.
So Meet William Shitz ain’t killing it in the ratings. But you know what? Fuck all y’all. It’s my finest work and if you can’t see that then you’re a stupid asshole.
But you know what does kill it in the ratings?
College football.
So here are the following schools that I love to laugh at because those teams, and their fan bases, suck and I hope their pain lasts forever.
Arkansas Razorbacks
Let’s get one thing straight: the Hogs have been decent under Sam Pittman. But y’all haven’t won a Natty since, what, 1964?
It ain’t happening. It ever gonna happen. Your basketball team will definitely win another title before your football team will.
Fuck the Razorbacks and that landfill known as Donald W. Reynolds Stadium (and the state of Arkansas).
Wisconsin Badgers
Quietly the most overrated team in all of college sports…in both football AND basketball. (I’ll never forgive Frank Kaminsky for flopping his way past the greatest college basketball team in the 2014-15 Kentucky Wildcats and into the national title game). Y’all just got beat by Washington State- AT HOME – but will still somehow manage to stay in the Top 25.
Wisconsin will always be given the benefit of the doubt. And why am I the only one that notices this?
Georgia Bulldogs
Mascot’s cute tho
Everyone hates on Alabama, but that’s just projection. Tide fans know that their team is better than yours so they don’t give a shit about your trash talk. I can at least share a room with these guys.
Georgia fans? Not so much.
Let’s go out and win a few more titles before you start crowning yourselves the new kings of the SEC. Mmmk?
Auburn Tigers
Pick a damn mascot, Auburn!
Honestly, I just feel sorry for you guys. I can’t imagine how the last 15 years have felt. And you guys have been pretty good during that span.
But no matter how well the team performs, the Auburn Tigers will always be the second best in a state that has nothing going for it other than college football.
Michigan State Spartans
The Spartans are the Auburn Tigers of the Big 10 and I can’t think of a bigger insult than that.
Texas A&M Aggies
Pop quiz hot shot! What does the “A&M” stand for?
If you guessed “Assholes & Morons,” you are correct!
I don’t know about A&M fans, but graduates of the institution are the most arrogant I’ve ever met. According to them, you either went to Texas A&M or you didn’t go to college.
So fuck College Station. Fuck Whataburger. And fuck Jimbo Fisher AKA the most overrated coach in college sports.
*****
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Dead Star Press: “Don’t be mediocre like Jimbo Fisher. Be a weirdo!”
Nothing gives me more comfort than knowing that in this day and age of NCAA football, the Arkansas Razorbacks will never win a National Championship. They’re quietly the saltiest fans in all of sports.
Which is why this fake fair catch will always bring a smile to my face.
4. Justin Tucker’s 66 yard field goal– Baltimore Ravens vs. Detroit Lions
The misery of the Detroit Lions knows no depths (as we’ll see again later). Which is why it was perfect that the football gods chose them to be on the losing end of Justin Tucker’s record-setting field goal which will never be broken in my lifetime.
Unfortunately the NFL doesn’t want me sharing clips of the event (Roger Goodell told me personally) so from here on out, I have to share shitty camera phone angles from the stands.
3. Brett Farve’s worst fuckup in a career filled with fuckups- New Orleans Saints vs. Minnesota Vikings
Everyone jumped on the Vikings bandwagon that year. But I knew better.
How did I know?
Because one snake bitten franchise, the Minnesota Vikings, had Brett Favre as their quarterback. I’m mean, come on. Everyone had to have seen this coming.
2. Michael Vick droppin bombs on Washington– Philadelphia Eagles vs. Washington R*******
People ask me all the time: when did things start going wrong the Washington team, currently the biggest dumpster fire in all of sports?
It was this moment right here, when jailbird Michael Vick made one of the greatest throws in NFL history:
1. The Motor City Miracle– Green Bay Packers vs. Detroit Lions
Sure, Aaron Rodgers may be an pompous ass. But make no mistake: he can throw a football very, very far.
After seeing a completed pass like that, it should be clear to all Lions fans: God hates Detroit. 😔
The Internet Ruined Everything 