professional teams I love to laugh at

You won’t find the Dallas Cowboys on this list. Sorry to disappoint. We all know they’re perpetually mediocre so why bother wasting words?

Chicago Cubs

I’ll admit, I don’t particularly like baseball. But weren’t the Cubs, like, losers for over 100 years? Then 2016 happened and suddenly everyone’s a fan?

Miss me with that shit.

God bless Steve Bartman. I hope it’s another 100 years before they win another World Series.

The Entire Premier League

You know what sucks?

Arsenal, Manchester City, Tottenham Hotspurs, Brighton, Manchester United, Chelsea, Liverpool, Brentford, Leeds United, Fulham, Newcastle, Southampton, Bournemouth, Wolverhampton, Crystal Palace, Everton, Aston Villa, West Ham, Nottingham Forest, and Leicester City.

Fuck all of em…in that order. American sports fans catch a lot of shit, and rightfully so. But the British are on a whole other level.

Y’all need help.

But REAL football fans watch the Scottish Professional Football League.

Green Bay Packers

The gold standard for bandwagon teams are the Dallas Cowboys. But I think it’s high time for the Green Bay Packers to claim that title.

3/4ths of that fan base can’t tell you where Green Bay is. Half the fans probably don’t know that the team is in Wisconsin. And a quarter of the fans can’t tell you who the quarterback was before Aaron Rodgers.

And speaking of Brett Favre, yeah I laugh at the guy every single day, but if you’re a Packer fan and you’re STILL upset that Favre briefly played for the Minnesota Vikings…fuck off.

The NFL is a PROFESSIONAL league and what Favre did was make a business decision. So be thankful for what you got out of him.

Besides, yeah your team chokes in the playoffs every year but at least you’re not the…

Houston Texans

The Detroit Lions and Cleveland Browns at least have history. The Los Angeles Chargers have dope-ass uniforms. And the Jacksonville Jaguars are too inoffensive to make fun of.

Most snake-bitten franchises at least have something going for them.

Then there’s the Houston Texans, a team that’s so perpetually incompetent that they now just let a chaplain run the front office. I guess they figure that God save that dump of a franchise.

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2022 NFL Predictions

Since I was absolutely 100% correct in my Super Bowl predictions, here are my predictions for the upcoming NFL season:

-Mike McCarthy will get fired less than six games into the season. Kellen Moore is named HC. Dallas Cowboys make the playoffs. Moore is named Coach of the Year.

-Jared Goff will be Comeback Player of the Year.

-Buffalo Bills, Los Angeles Chargers, and Las Vegas Raiders will all fall below expectations.

-Kevin Byard will be named Defensive Player of the Year.

-Tom Brady will have another 5000 yard season. Will NOT win MVP. Despite playing at a high level, he WILL retire at the end of the season and this time he’ll mean it.

-NFC Championship: Los Angeles Rams/Green Bay Packers

-AFC Championship: Kansas City Chiefs AND….The DENVER FUCKING BRONCOS!!!!!

-A player will expose himself on the sideline.

-Aaron Rodgers will have a bizarre press conference and people will begin wondering about his mental state if they weren’t doing so already. Will win another MVP.

-Aaron Donald will kill a man (non-player) on the field.

-A game will be moved back a day due to “safety concerns”

-Troy Aikman will cry while calling a game.

-Matt Rhule will pull a Steve Sarkisian, coach a game drunk, and WIN.

-The most rushing yards in a single season will be broken this year by Jonathan Taylor, Nick Chubb, or DAVID MONTGOMERY?!

As usual I stand by all of my predictions. So if you follow my advice, prepare your bank accounts. You’re about to be a millionaire.

5 times I said “lol that sucks” while watching football

5. Fake Fair Catch- North Texas vs. Arkansas

Nothing gives me more comfort than knowing that in this day and age of NCAA football, the Arkansas Razorbacks will never win a National Championship. They’re quietly the saltiest fans in all of sports.

Which is why this fake fair catch will always bring a smile to my face.

4. Justin Tucker’s 66 yard field goal– Baltimore Ravens vs. Detroit Lions

The misery of the Detroit Lions knows no depths (as we’ll see again later). Which is why it was perfect that the football gods chose them to be on the losing end of Justin Tucker’s record-setting field goal which will never be broken in my lifetime.

Unfortunately the NFL doesn’t want me sharing clips of the event (Roger Goodell told me personally) so from here on out, I have to share shitty camera phone angles from the stands.

3. Brett Farve’s worst fuckup in a career filled with fuckups- New Orleans Saints vs. Minnesota Vikings

Everyone jumped on the Vikings bandwagon that year. But I knew better.

How did I know?

Because one snake bitten franchise, the Minnesota Vikings, had Brett Favre as their quarterback. I’m mean, come on. Everyone had to have seen this coming.

2. Michael Vick droppin bombs on Washington– Philadelphia Eagles vs. Washington R*******

People ask me all the time: when did things start going wrong the Washington team, currently the biggest dumpster fire in all of sports?

It was this moment right here, when jailbird Michael Vick made one of the greatest throws in NFL history:

1. The Motor City Miracle– Green Bay Packers vs. Detroit Lions

Sure, Aaron Rodgers may be an pompous ass. But make no mistake: he can throw a football very, very far.

After seeing a completed pass like that, it should be clear to all Lions fans: God hates Detroit. 😔

god bless texas

There are four things that I love: 1) corporate intrigue 2) religious charlatans 3) the State of Texas 4) NFL football. Which is why I’ve been blessed with the Jack Easterby story regarding the Houston Texans.

For those who don’t know, Easterby is essentially a chaplain that plotted and schemed his way to the top of an NFL franchise. It’s an odd story, but things like this happen. Anyone recall Rasputin and the fall of the Russian Empire? And yes, I’d say that Easterby’s involvement with the Texans is every bit as significant and tragic as the fall of the Romanovs.

I’m just always surprised at how rich people, like Texans CEO Cal McNair, are so gullible. If the average person came across someone like Easterby on the street, we’d think “this dude’s full of shit.” But I guess game recognizes game.

Listen to this shit:

A bit of advice Evangelicals: if you want people to take your religion seriously, maybe drop the used car salesman schtick.

The theory is that Easterby and McNair are trying to turn the Texans into a “Christian football camp”. So this will give us the opportunity to test Aaron Rodgers’ theory that “God doesn’t care about football games.” And if we come to find out that God DOES care about football while millions of children continue to starve to death, then you should ask yourself why you worship this god.

So I’m pretty excited to watch this experiment go up in flames. In the meantime, enjoy some of Easterby’s standup:

rookie of the year II: in the pocket

Great news guys!

From IMDB:

30 years after winning the World Series, former Chicago Cubs pitcher Henry Rowengartner crushes all of his limbs in a DUI crash that leaves 15 dead. When he recovers, his arms and legs are more powerful than ever. In lieu of prison time, Henry is court ordered to play quarterback for the Chicago Bears.

The former 12 year old baseball phenom traverses the NFL season trying to repair his reputation and the damaged relationship with his estranged daughter, who in an act of defiance, has taken up a relationship with her father’s primary competitor for the job: Nick “Big Dick” Foles.

As the Bears reach the NFC Championship, where they face division rivals Green Bay Packers (“A-Rod’s got a tiny dick!”) Henry is again involved in a DUI crash and loses all his powers.

“Will the Chicago Bears make it to the Super Bowl? (yes). Find out in Rookie of the Year II: In the Pocket.

the art of choking

It’s everyone’s favorite time of the year: when America’s favorite bandwagon team, the Green Bay Packers, makes the playoffs and gets promptly bounced out by a lesser team.

To celebrate this event, during the 49ers game, I decided to choke on viagra pills. I collapsed on the floor and my wife stuck her fingers down my throat like a little baby and I threw up all over the carpet. My wife, god bless her, called 911. When the paramedics and firefighters showed up, they laughed in my face for wasting taxpayer money. But it worked because minutes later, Robbie Gould nailed a 45 yard field goal, sending San Francisco to the NFC championship.

This actually happened btw

So in solidarity with Aaron Rodgers and the Packers, I too decided to choke during the 4th quarter.

It’s a playoff miracle.