The sum of all fears

If you ask me what my greatest fear is I’d tell you that it’s being caught by the Colombian cartel, lit on fire and getting tossed from a helicopter into alligator infested waters. If you ask me what my second greatest fear is, I’d tell you that it’s Jeff Bezos and Denis Villeneuve fuckin up the James Bond franchise in the grandest way possible.

You know that they will. And there’s nothing we can do about it. Not one goddamn thing.

I’ve made several pitches on this blog about how to revive the franchise. And all of my calls have gone unanswered. So I’ll make my final stand here.

To Jeff Bezos. To Steven Wright. To Denis Villeneuve: all of you better listen and you better listen damn good. My advice to you is to not overthink it. Just send James Bond on a regular ol mission like they used to do in the olden days.

But you and I both know that’s not happening. A two hour runtime just isn’t how tentpole movies are made anymore. Additionally, no one wants a James Bond backstory. He is an inexplicably broken man between the ages 35 to 55 and there’s no need to go deeper than that. But you will.

So you want to fuck up the franchise? Fine. It’s your money. But here’s how you do it:

Cold open. A young 20 something James Bond 007 is on a mission. We don’t need to go into the backstory. We need to go back to the days of Goldfinger. The cold open should be a beautiful piece of nonsense: Bond infiltrates a compound, blows it the fuck up, and then beds a woman. Show the audience what this movie is capable of. So Do what they did in Goldeneye. You wow the audience with not ONE incredible stunt. You do TWO. And you do it all in seven minutes or LESS. The days of 20 minute cold opens are over. And once the final stunt is complete, it rolls over into the title sequence. And I cannot stress this enough, DO NOT fuck this up. The title song needs to be Goldfinger, Nobody Does It Better, and A View to a Kill all in ONE. You need to get to work on this yesterday!

With the title sequence over, it’s time to roll over into the plot. It’s 10 years later. M is played by Idris Elba. He’s sitting behind his desk and he is bored AS FUCK. Everyone keeps coming into his office telling him that the latest drone strikes have been successful and he waves them off. Tanner comes in with yet another boring ass report and M loses his shit. “Remember when this job used to be fun?” he moans to his chief of staff.

“No sir,” says Tanner.

Meanwhile, who exactly the bad guys are has become less clear and the world is mired in rising tensions between the US, Russia, and China. But a strange eccentric billionaire has come on the scene (we’ll call him Beff Jezos) and he’s doing some weird shit while world leaders are looking the other way. M keeps his eye on him and he keeps warning the Minister of Defense but the Minister waves him off. Then M gets a call from his counterpart in US intelligence. He tells him that Jezos is stepping up his weird shit and that he wishes they can go back to the olden days. “Remember James Bond? That guy was cool as shit. He could get to the bottom of this,” the US intelligence chief tells M.

“That was a different time,” M says.

He hangs up the phone and pours a scotch. He takes his glass to the reception area to discuss matters with Moneypenny. She briefs him on the day’s usual bullshit and he nods and takes a drink. “What ever happened to Bond?” he asks her.

“James Bond? Last I heard he was back in the Navy,” she says.

“You haven’t spoken to him since?”

“As far as I know he still plays baccarat at the casino.”

“Do you mind paying him a visit? Ask him if he’d like to come visit me. I just want to catch up on old times.”

Moneypenny raises an eyebrow but agrees. That night she goes to the London casino. She enters and in the faraway corner she sees James Bond, not in a tux but dressed casually, throwing down some cards. He’s playing across the table from Sylvia Trench. Moneypenny is stopped at the door and she asks to speak with Bond. The receptionist retrieves him and he steps out into the lobby to talk to his old colleague. He’s clearly three sheets to the wind.

“M would like to speak to you,” she says.

“About what?”

“He wants to catch up on old times.”

Bond laughs and lights up a cigarette. “Tell M I’m now a commander in the Royal Navy. They’re about to give me my own ship. Tell him I’m never coming back.”

“You know he won’t take no for an answer.”

“Yeah? Well if he wants to talk to me, I’m sure he can find me.”

A few days later, we see Bond in his sharp Naval uniform as he’s reporting for duty as an XO on a battleship. He shows up, gives out a few orders, and then he gets ripped out by his captain for showing up late. In the middle of this asschewing, an admiral steps in. The Admiral is M, now wearing his naval uniform. The captain jumps to attention and salutes. “Sir, had I of know you’d be here…,” he pleads.

“This is an unscheduled visit. Now if you’ll excuse us, I’d like to speak with Commander Bond alone.”

The captain nods and departs. It is revealed that James Bond’s last mission as a 00 agent went sideways and he lost his confidence. M then proceeds to give him a Colonel Troutman like speech about him being the best and that the world, and England, needs him. M hands him a Universal Exports business card. “If you need me, you know where to find me,” he says.

Bond takes the card and spends the next several days in agonizing pain as he considers his career options.

Meanwhile, shit gets real with Jezos. He steals nuclear weapons or some stupid McGuffin and threatens the world with it. The Minister of Defense calls M. “Activate the 00s,” he orders.

“About bloody time!” M beams.

James Bond shows up at the nick of time and is given the rundown. He goes to Q to pick up his gadgets and quips “just like the olden days,” and then he’s sent on his mission. Early on, Bond stumbles a bit while he tries to shake the dust off. But while he’s tracking down a henchman, he dons his signature tuxedo and he does some badass shit with his gadgets, and the audience cheers just like when they saw Batman again in the Dark Knight Rises because James Bond is BACK!

And that’s just the first hour and half of the movie!

kingdom of god 24

Telas gawked at the old man as mounds of apple sauce were shoved into his mouth while nurses shuffled in and out of the sterile and cold penthouse overlooking the sprawling megalopolis. It was nestled safely thousands of miles away from the war ravaged Nain. Bill Wilcox, the aide de camp, was at the Shepherd’s beside. Hundreds of tubes and wires were connected to the old man’s decrepit body and they interpreted signals from his brain. Bill was there to elucidate every word to Telas, who along with the commandant of the Nain territory, Brigadier Hilas Philemon, was there to receive the latest decree from the Shepherd. Wilcox looked up from his interface to receive them.

“The Shepherd would like to thank you for being here,” the aide de camp explained. The old man looked motionless and infirm towards the high plafond seemingly unaware of the bustle surrounding him. Wilcox continued. “The Shepherd and the Chancellor commend you both for your service. You have both performed remarkably.”

“Thank you, sir,” the stern Brigadier responded. But the High Priest said nothing. 

“The good news is the lands south of the Sianna have been cleared,” Wilcox declared. “But General, have you made any progress in clearing the Yorkin Pass?”

“It’s rough terrain sir,” Hilas explained. “The group occupying the pass have been harassing the operating posts south of Nisan and then retreating back into the Urbanas. It will take some time to flush them out.”

“You need to do it quickly,” Wilcox warned. “Contractors will be in the Nain basin within a month.”

“Aye sir.”

“The political situation with the Chancellor has changed. While his constituency might find a degree of loss of life acceptable, too much may be unbearable. Please handle this situation delicately and discreetly. The people of Nain must find safe passage to the south.”

“Of course sir.”

“You are dismissed.”

The general bowed his head and departed the penthouse then Wilcox turned towards Telas. “The Shepherd would like to speak with you alone,” he said.

TO BE CONTINUED…

kingdom of god 23

Stephanos puzzled at the strange man sitting across the fire. The boy snuggled up to him and the man reached into his duster for a canteen. “I’m sorry,” the preacher said. “I’ve seen so many faces. Forgive me if I don’t recognize you.”

“It doesn’t matter,” the drifter told him. “I’ve seen hundreds of your kind. All with different faces but the same prying eyes. None of you know Jonny from a hole in the ground.”

“That’s not true,” Stephanos protested.

“It’s not? Do you know who that fellow over there is?”

“He was of the agency.”

“Yes. He was Javier Gomez.”

“And how do you know him?”

“I know an enemy when I see one. That’s the difference between you and me.”

“But there are no enemies in the eyes of God.”

“God? Do you think his kingdom dwells in the heavens? Or does it dwell down here, with flesh and blood?”

“As equal creatures in the eyes of God, we will all be relieved of the burden of flesh and blood once we enter his kingdom in heaven.”

The drifter smiled and picked his teeth. His scars flashed as malicious augury against the flames. “You have some funny ideas, preacher,” he said. “Your kind is always searching for the unexplainable in the mystical. It’s indistinguishable from the nonexistent. While tales of magic inspire awe, it prevents you from seeing what’s right in front of you. Evil is real and it sits right next to us. God is not a god of unseen power but is force is itself. To extinguish evil, it takes power. It takes force. You don’t believe in god. You believe in vanity. There is no future for you, only the complacency of an ever cursed present.”

The preacher didn’t reply. He considered reaching for the Colt but the drifter already had fingers on the shotgun. “I don’t want any problems,” Stephanos told him.

“I don’t either,” said the drifter. Then he lifted the shotgun and blew a hole in the preacher’s chest. After emptying the shells, he approached Stephanos’ corpse and took his pistol and placed it under his duster. Then he took the child by the hand and they resumed their path down the king’s road.

TO BE CONTINUED…

kingdom of god 23

The preacher lifted Gomez over his shoulders and carried him down king’s road. Passersby only glared at the men as sweat drenched down Stephanos’ face. Blood trickled down his smock. Urgency coursed through his veins as the midday sun beat down upon him. “I’m a dead man,” said Gomez. “Just leave me here.” But the preacher ignored him. Miles ahead and his knees began to buckle. He saw a thicket of trees yards off to the right and headed towards it. In a small clearing, he laid down Gomez’s whitening body and tended to his bleeding. “Thank you for your help preacher,” the dying man said, “but there’s nothing more to be done.” Blood puddled into the grass and Gomez grew cold. Before nightfall, he was dead.

Stephanos sat silently beneath the trees for several hours while Gomez’s body rested peacefully against the oak. The nighttime prairie glowed from a full moon and the preacher figured he would bury him in the morning. Numbed by the day’s pain, he struggled to make his bed. Against his better instincts, he dug through the deceased man’s remains and made a fire. He didn’t eat and he didn’t drink. His eyes remained fixed on the smoldering flame. 

The hours passed. The preacher’s eyes grew heavy. Then there was a cracking at the edge of the meadow. He turned around to find a hunched over man walking hand in hand with a small boy. As they approached, the fire illuminated the man’s face. He was scared and bundled up in a charcoaled duster. What appeared to be a cane holding him up was actually a long range shotgun. Staphanos thought of reaching for the pistol but the small boy threw him off. The boy was five or six years old and said nothing. 

“Excuse me sir,” the man said. “Mind if we rest by your fire?”

The preacher drew a sigh of relief and welcomed them in. “Of course,” he said. “I’m sorry but I have to food or water to give you.”

“What about that fellow over there?”

“He’s dead.”

“Did you kill him?”

“No. I found him wounded on the side of the road. I couldn’t save him.”

The man straightened out his coat and sat next to the fire. The boy sat with him. He sat the shotgun off to the side and held his hands over the fire. “I’m Stephanos, an emissary of Jonny,” the preacher said. “I won’t hurt you.”

“Yes I know who you are,” the man said.

“You’ve seen me before?”

“In Cessa in fact. You claim to have received the word directly from Jonny.”

“That is true. I have received the word.”

“Then tell me preacher. If you’ve received the word from Jonny, why don’t you recognize me?”

TO BE CONTINUED…

kingdom of god 22

And with Cessa gone, the preacher wondered senselessly toward the bountiful vista. He thought that when the king’s road ended he might journey further into the marauding lands. But as thoughts of an unknown future conjured, he held the pistol and considered burying it under a stone or tossing it into a passing creek. The path was lonely.  Only an occasional drifter came coursing along towards the beleaguered south. No words were exchanged between the parties. They both knew fate had them marching towards perdition. But a little deeper into the steppe, Stephanos happened across a traveler beaten and battered behind a small sandstone deposit. He was unconscious. The preacher dabbled water onto his lips and when he came to, he noticed the traveler was stabbed and his leg broken. He rested him against the rock and tended to his bleeding. They rested there for several hours and at sundown, the preacher made a fire and gave him what little substance he could provide. Afterward, he stood watch throughout the night while on the lookout for returning marauders. 

He thought about the pistol. He took it from the holster and held it firmly.

By morning, the bleeding had stopped. The traveler awoke and asked for water and the preacher provided. “I’m Stephanos, an emissary of Johnny,” he told the traveler. 

The man lowered the canteen from his lips. “I’m Javier Gomez, a representative from the Agency,” he said.

“How did this happen to you?”

Gomez struggled to recall. “I was attacked on my HUV returning to Nisan. I don’t know. They must have taken it.”

“The vehicle?”

“Yes.”

“Were they going south?”

“Yes.”

Stephanos stood up and stared down the path towards the horizon. The sun was climbing towards its zenith and the nearest inn was miles away.  He knew he would have to carry Gomez the entire way and that they wouldn’t make it before sundown. “I suspect you were followed,” he told Gomez. “You’re from the agency. Why were you traveling alone?”

“I wasn’t alone.”

“What happened to the others?”

“I don’t know. I was returning from Cessa.”

“Why?”

“Because the Shepherd had called for me.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

The boss man cummeth

Anyway, I was listening to Seth Harp talk about his book The Fort Bragg Cartel and it suddenly hit me: this is why I find James Bond intriguing. The very nature of being a killing machine is antithetical to our natural state, yet the government breeds men to commit crimes against humanity. Of course James Bond’s actions are portrayed as necessary and even ethical but the truth is that lots and lots and LOTS of people die. And for our own consumption, death becomes spectacle. So the truth is I see James Bond as a perverse and almost Paul Verhoeven-esque tale.

Harp talks about how crimes that are committed by Delta Force operators are swept under the rug. In a sense, these guys have a license to kill with impunity. He goes further and explains that operators can even put up James Bond-like numbers on their kill count for each mission. That ain’t cool. That’s pants-shittingly terrifying. Imagine if you had that as a job. What kind of person would that make you? Meanwhile, Hollywood and the propaganda machine portray this kind of endeavor with fantastical reverence.

So James Bond isn’t escapism. it’s a horror story; a horror story that you play a part in by making it escapism.

Anywho, hope Seal Team 6 doesn’t come after me for buying that book 😬

kingdom of god 21

Stephanos left the temple before dusk and trekked north from the city center past the beggars and the guards through the morning dew and back towards the northern steppe. Outside of the walls where the sheep herders and common traders were gathered, he attracted a small flock led by Jena and she accosted him while men gathered stones and small arms. The preacher threw up his hood and held his head low but  Jena spat and cursed upon him. A stone struck his back and knocked him to the ground, but before the crowd could descend upon him, the woman fought back the agitators and permitted him safe passage. With the city behind him, he prayed to the god which had forsakened him for the forgiveness of his transgressors and for the soul of Nisan. The preacher never returned. 

He traversed the king’s road past the sandstone barriers which marked the northerly entrance of the Nisan province and the road gently sloped downward into a sea of green and gold grasses. The prairie flattened. As the sun lingered in the sky, Stephanos could make out specks floating along the deep blue horizon. While the wild horses were long gone, the preacher presumed them to be travelers or a caravan of light vehicles that once dominated the steppe. But as they drew nigh, it was apparent that they were indeed men with horses. With caution entering his mind, Stephanos threw up his hands with his left showing the sign of Jonny. They came closer. He could see they had faces painted like those of marauders with spears of scalps and bones, and when they were in earshot, he greeted them in the Saranian tongue. 

The leader returned his greet. “I speak your tongue,” he told the preacher. 

“Then you should know I hold no weapon,” Stephanos said. “I am an emissary of Jonny and I’m returning to Cessa.”

“I can see that,” the marauder informed him. “I do not intend you harm but you must surrender your gold and silver.”

“But I don’t carry much.”

“Then give us what you have.”

The preacher lowered his hands and surrendered his satchel. A marauder climbed off his horse to gather it and slung it around his body. Pitying the dispossessed, the leader reached into his saddle and tossed Stephanos a Colt revolver pistol sheathed in a leather holster. “Cessa has been destroyed by Nighthawks,” he informed the preacher. “You will need that weapon on the road ahead. I suggest you use it.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Wes Lexner x 5

I was minding my own business while watching porn on the work laptop when the boss man stormed in. He sat down on my desk and slammed the computer shut. Then he leaned forward to put his hand on my shoulder. “Bad news,” he informed me.

“I’m getting fired?” I asked.

He shakes his head. “No, worse,” he said. “My ass cancer has been cured.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“I am too. For in the days I believed I was facing mortality, I took comfort in knowing that my time as the boss man of the toilet factory was coming to an end. But god intervened like the bastard that he is and granted me more time on his hellish creation.” The boss man then lifted his fist to the air and cried out to the heavens. “Why oh why can’t he let my torment end?” he lamented. Then he lowered his fist and wiped a tear from his eye. “Anyways,” he continued, “one man’s tragedy is another man’s elation. You don’t have to return to school. I will remain the boss man.”

“Thank Christ!” I exclaimed. Then I opened the trash can and threw in the cyanide tablets.

So in other words, this is good news. Not the curing of my boss’s ass cancer but other part; the part where I don’t have to go back to college. It’s a day of jubilation indeed.

kingdom of god 20

But before he departed the city, Stephanos sought refuge in the temple. He wept at the feet of the gods and prayed for the people of Nain and his safe passage to the steppe. He was joined by the temple priest who laid his hands upon him and comforted him. “I know you,” the priest said. “I’ve heard your message.”

“I was just released from the citadel,” he told the priest. “What have the people done to deserve this?”

The holy man took the preacher by the arms and embraced him. “I had you released,” the priest said. “Your message of peace towards the Shepherd rings true. But if the word of Jonny is correct, then we must do as the Shepherd says and prepare the people to leave the Nain”

Consternation came upon the preacher and he challenged the priest. “Jonny spoke no such words,” he said.

“I was there Stephanos,” the priest reassured him. “I knew and understood the heart of Jonny and was given the commission to spread his word.”

The preacher realized that he knew this man as the first ambassador of Jonny, the speaker of truth. “You’re Telas?” he asked.

“Aye. I am he. I loved Jonny as a brother. And as his humbled servant, he named me as the stone on which to build his temple.”

“But where must the people go?”

“Southwards. Past the Urbanas and the river of Siana. There a new kingdom will be created. God’s kingdom. And there is where the Temple will be established and the word of Jonny proclaimed. Emissaries have been sent to prepare the way.

“I don’t understand. Jonny said the Nain was the established kingdom.”

“Was the word revealed to you Stephanos?”

“Yes. When I was imprisoned in Cessea. A vision appeared to me in the night and the truth spoken. Others saw it and I was given my own commission.”

“Then I am afraid that you are mistaken. I saw the messenger with my own eyes. He spoke to me in his earthy form. His own flesh and blood body.”

“Telas, I’m sorry. But it is you who is mistaken. It is the heavenly form which is greater than the flesh and blood. That is the word which must be made manifest. Peace can be restored with the Shepherd and the land can remain with its rightful heirs.”

The great priest’s eyes grew heavy and he did not wish to continue the bickering. He waved the preacher off but not before extending him a courtesy. “You must return to the steppe,” Telas ordered. “You can stay in the temple for the night. But you must leave by morning.”

TO BE CONTINUED…