Rest in peace Ryan Mallet. I hope that this is a reminder to kids that nothing good happens in Destin, Florida. But I’d like to take this opportunity to do what I do best: shit on Razorback fans.
I’m sure there will be a bevy of obituaries in the coming days naming Mallet as one of the greatest Razorbacks to play for the program. And I agree with that statement. But none of y’all can fool me. I would know. I was there during the thick of things. I was a student at the University of Arkansas while he was the starting quarterback, plus we shared the same major. It’s odd that we never crossed paths considering I had classes with plenty of football players, but I know what all ya’ll said about him. And you know what? You guys didn’t deserve Ryan Mallet.
And I’m proud to say I was his biggest fan. It was just too bad his receivers couldn’t hold on to his passes. So shame on you Razorback fans and the entire state of Arkansas. I hope your losing ways continue forever and ever.
RIP
Now thanks to Bart Ehrman and James Tabor, the Gospel of Mark is HOT right now. I mean SIZZLING. I guess the Bible as a whole is assumed to be a part of the great literature canon, but it’s refreshing to see Mark being independently recognized for the genius that it is, despite its flaws.
There’s no shortage of lectures regarding the text on YouTube, especially from Tabor and Ehrman. There’s also a large selection of scholarly articles and books on the subject. But what I’d like to see is a secular commentary on Mark.
I’m sure one exists, but it probably costs $900,000,000 and you have to purchase it from some secondhand dealer in Bosnia. One needs to be written for the common man, and I believe I’m halfway up for the task. I’m not going to do it because there’s obvious problems with me writing it: 1) I’m not a scholar 2) I don’t want to cite my work 3) I hardly know Koine Greek 4) Do I have to get permission to use a certain translation? If so, fuck that. And 5) Who would want to read something from a guy who’s essentially a troll with a blog (and ONE published book, I might add)?
So someone else, PLEASE write this commentary for me.
I wasted the entire day yesterday going through Gospel of Mark and a bunch of scholarly texts trying to figure out where the Gospel could have been written. I learned a bunch of not shit. Well, that’s not entirely true. I did learn some things. But I ended up with more questions, which is usually the case when anyone reads Mark.
According to “scholarly consensus”, the Gospel was probably composed in Rome. Why do they think this? Because it was likely addressed to a gentile audience and, according to tradition, “Mark” was a companion to Peter who is presumed to have died in Rome. But as I discussed in my last post regarding the subject, Peter is portrayed as kinda a moron and a coward in Mark, which even if Peter portrayed himself in that light (for whatever reasons) I find it highly unlikely that an author who knew the Apostle would write about him that way. But that’s just one reason (among many) on why I’m not convinced that Mark is based on Peter’s DIRECT recollections. Therefore the Roman/Peter tradition is highly dubious.
Antioch is another serious candidate. Paul was heavily involved in the early church there and Mark, in my view, is heavily influenced by Pauline theology. Because Mark was likely widely distributed to Christian communities around the Mediterranean, and Antioch was the center for a lot of missionary work, this church should probably be considered the leading candidate.
The only issue I found with this is that Antioch is also considered the location where the Gospel of Matthew was written. I suppose it’s possible that both could have been composed there and it’s clear that Matthew was VERY influenced by Mark; apparently over 90% of Mark is in Matthew. But because Matthew seems at odds with Pauline theology, it appears as though his Gospel is a response to Mark’s, which would be odd if they hailed from the same church (unless Christians found Mark to be lacking and/or Pauline theology advanced to such a point in the ten or so years between the writing of these two Gospels that they felt Mark needed amending). With this under consideration, it actually appears as though Mark would have been more likely to have been written in Antioch as opposed to Matthew, but that’s a different story.
Another interesting candidate is North Africa, specifically Alexandria. This thought occurred to me while reading chapter 15, when Mark addresses Simon the Cyrene, who was the father of “Rufus and Alexander”. Who the fuck is Rufus and Alexander and why bring them up at all? There’s been attempts by scholars to link these names to others mentioned in the New Testament, but I should point out that unless you were rich or of nobility, you didn’t have a last name in those days. So just because the name “Rufus” appears in one of Paul’s epistles or in the Book of Acts, that doesn’t mean it’s the same Rufus son of Simon. I find Helen Bond’s explanation far more plausible, that Rufus and Alexander were members of the church that Mark was addressing. And where was Cyrene? That’s in modern day Libya.
Now that doesn’t mean shit in the whole scheme of things, but it did get me to consider the possibility that Mark was written in Alexandria, another center of early Christian activity. So with that hypothesis, it’s my obligation to disprove it. Therefore the obvious question should be: “if Mark was written in Egypt, why wasn’t it written in Coptic like the Gospel of Thomas, which was **possibly** written around the same time?”. Come to find out, Koine Greek (the language Mark was composed in) was widely used in Alexandria. For example, Philo, a first century Jewish philosopher based in Alexandria, wrote in Koine Greek. So the fact that Mark was written in Greek does not pose a problem to my Alexandrian theory. But I ran into another problem: Mark’s Jesus addresses the Pharisees a lot, which, according to Burton Mack, were only located in Judea and nowhere else. Philo, again a contemporary of Jesus, didn’t appear to know that they existed. I don’t find this argument from Mack convincing, but there it is.
Honestly, the best “evidence” for the Alexandrian theory is that the churches in Egypt claim Mark as their founder. Again, this historical Mark didn’t actually write the Gospel of Mark, but…if we squint our eyes…it might be easy to see how early church leaders attributed this gospel to Mark, especially if it came out of Alexandria.
Conference USA got raided in the most recent round of conference realignment. I don’t know who’s coming and going, so this ranking is based on the current list of teams.
11. Rice University Owls
The Owls have been one of the least consequential teams of the last decades and they have the uniform to show for it. If you’ve been following this playoff, you’d know that I fucking hate the combination of grey and navy blue. Also, the ‘R’ emblem is uninspiring. BUT, I guess they occasionally play with Owl-winged helmet, which is kinda dope.
10. Alabama-Birmingham Blazers
Top to bottom, Conference USA uniforms aren’t bad. This includes the UAB Blazers. Now their jerseys and pants are solid, but my complaint is with the helmet. Specifically the emblem ON the helmet. It’s ugly as sin. Moreover, it makes me want to barf. Dragons are cool (I guess that’s what it is), but goddamn, couldn’t they have come up with a better design?
9. UT-San Antonio Roadrunners
I’m fond of orange. And as we’ve learned with Boise State, orange and blue can work well together. But something about this comes up short. It’s probably the navy blue.
8. Florida International University Panthers
Despite using the hated navy blue, this uniform is actually well put together. Nothing inspiring, but nothing offensive either.
7. UNC-Charlotte 49ers.
I’ve seen a few different variations of this uniform and all except the solid gold ones are pretty good. While this doesn’t pop like I think a football uniform should, the standard solid green ones are pretty sharp.
6. Florida Atlantic Owls
Again with the navy blue. But they vary up their uniforms enough to not become stale. The solid reds with the Florida emblem are dope AF.
5. UT-El Paso Miners
And once again, the use of dark/navy blue drag this one down but they’re not afraid to accentuate the orange. I’ll keep pounding the table for football teams to go bold with orange.
4. UNT Mean Green
This is the only school that I can recall joining the American Conference sometime in the near future (maybe even this year) but it won’t end up mattering for our purposes. But I love the simplicity of this uniform. I love the name ‘Mean Green’. And I love the badass logo. It’s just unfortunate that there’s a few other schools that have slightly better uniforms.
3. MTSU Blue Raiders
This is also a simple uniform, but it’s extraordinarily effective. There’s a few variations on the helmet, all of which are also effective but the black one takes the cake.
2. Louisiana Tech Bulldogs
Of all the teams that utilize red, white, and blue, this one might be my favorite. And kudos to Louisiana Tech for incorporating the shape of the state into the logo. I love it when teams do this. While they might not have the best uniforms in the conference, Tech will probably sneak into the playoffs as a wild card.
1. Western Kentucky Hilltoppers
Not only has WKU been quietly one of the best programs in the nation, they also have one of the best uniforms. And I don’t care what their mascot ‘Big Red’ is, I fucking love the guy. And I’m not just saying this because this is my wife’s alma mater, I love everything about this outfit…especially when they use that silver helmet.
These are just some of the questions I receive when others learn of my obsession with the Gospel According to Mark. Indeed, it’s hard to this passion of mine into words. In short, it’s one of the great mysteries of history. We don’t know who wrote it. And while we have some pretty safe assumptions about why it was written, even that is debated. Hell, we can’t even agree what genre Mark is.
Moreover, there’s an aspect to it that I almost find comical. While Mark clearly has some artistic intentions behind it, it is not particularly well written. Additionally, due to the politics of its era, there is likely a polemical aspect to it that has been largely lost on modern audiences. So I find it funny that one of the most important texts in ancient history was written by some moderately educated dude trying to piss off his opponents over petty theological differences. Because in doing so, the author basically invented the story of Jesus which is the most important story in Western civilization.
While I think the Gospel has kernels of historical truth regarding Jesus the man, it’s almost impossible to tell which one of them are facts which further confounds modern scholars. But honestly, I find the Gospel of Mark to be far more interesting than the historical Jesus due to its impact. So Jesus was an apocalyptic preacher who was nailed to the cross by the Romans. Big whoop. But, according to “Mark”, what if Jesus was the Son of God who died on the cross and rose again to save us from our sins? Now that’s show business!
But regarding the political dimensions of the early Jesus Movement, I find this aspect to be largely ignored by modern scholars. I think Monty Python’s Life of Brian is a bit more accurate than we care to admit. While this analogy is far from perfect, the Jesus Movement…specifically the one prior to Paul’s prevalence…was, in part, a response to the dominant Pax-Romana. In sum, this movement could be deemed a “left-populist” one in modern eyes. And if you’ve spent any amount of time with political radicals, you quickly learn that they HATE each other. While the main thrust behind Mark is to provide an unknown (but likely Greek-influenced) early church a coherent theological message, it’s who it’s aimed against that I find interesting.
This matter caught my attention while reading Etienne Trocme’s The Formation of the Gospel According to Mark. It’s a tough read, largely because it was written in French and doesn’t translate well into English, so I haven’t gotten very far. Additionally, I believe that Trocme’s controversial assertion in the work is that Mark originally ended at chapter 13. I do not accept that conclusion and it has been almost universally rejected by all scholars. Nevertheless, I picked up the book hoping to find some insight into Mark’s intentions.
According to tradition, “Mark” was an interpreter of the Peter, arguably the most important of Jesus’s apostles. But unless you’re a Christian, there’s absolutely no reason to believe this is true. Not only that, but Mark kinda portrays Jesus’s inner-circle as a bunch of idiots that have no understanding what their leader is trying to say and do. Because of this portrayal, preachers today want us to believe that the Apostles were a bunch of well-meaning knuckleheads, but it is possible (in fact, more likely) that Mark had polemical angle here: he was undermining Apostolic authority. In fact, in Mark, the only people that seem to understand Jesus’s mission are just randos. If memory serves, the only person (other than the author and some demons) in the narrative to identify Jesus as “the Son of God” is a Roman centurion after Jesus died on the cross. Additionally, Mark ends at 16:8, when Mary Magdalene, Jesus’s mother Mary (simply referred to as “mother of James”) and Salome find Jesus’s tomb empty with a stranger inside telling them Jesus has risen. Instead of rejoicing at the news, the women fled in terror and told no one.
In short, according to Mark, Jesus’s followers during his time on earth didn’t understand his message and when confronted with the truth, they fled.
As Trocme indicates, Mark doesn’t downplay Peter’s significance to Jesus but his authority is more or less stripped away. And James the brother of Jesus, who along with Paul and Peter was one of the most important figures in early church history, is essentially non-existent in the text.
Using my understanding of radical movements, a different interpretation of Mark comes clear: the author was asserting his own theology (possibly influenced by Paul who had his own run-ins with the Apostles) while simultaneously extending the middle finger to Apostolic authority.
“I didn’t know there were jungles around Juarez,” Jack said as he swatted away mosquitoes.
“Si Senor,” responded Jose. “Mexico is nothing but jungle.”
The darkness of night provided the perfect cover for Jack and Jose, along with their motley crew of biker vigilantes. The gang passed around a bottle of tequila as they watched and waited several hundred yards away from the cartel’s compound. “Are you sure my father is being held here?” Jack asked Jose.
“Sí. We’ve been watching this place for several days.”
“I know Pablo Santora is behind this,” Jack added. “I can’t wait to get my hands on him.”
One of the bikers whispered over to Jose. “no reconozco a esta persona,” Jack heard.
Jose gazed through the binoculars towards the compound. “Jack, come here,” Jose said, “do you recognize this woman?”
Jack took the binoculars and scratched his head. “I don’t know who that is,” he replied, “but goddamn she’s tall.” He continued watching this mysterious woman through the window as she handed a large metal briefcase to none other than Pablo Santora. “I knew it!” Jack uttered to himself. The exchange lasted no more than a few minutes before the woman departed in a stretched limousine.
“Now’s a good time to launch the attack,” Jose said. Jack nodded and readied his .38. “Let’s go,” he declared.
The group marched through the muggy jungle until they were right on the perimeter. Without hesitation, a biker launched a flare into the air while another unleashed hell with a 50 cal. Suddenly the compound was lit up with explosions and tracer rounds.
“This is a little much, wouldn’t you say?” Jack shouted to Jose. Then the watchtower exploded from an RPG. Shattered glass and smoldering debris fell onto the men below. “I think it’s the right amount,” Jose retorted.
With the compound covered in fire like it’s the coming apocalypse, the gang marched through the gates and fired on anything that moved. Jack kicked open every door and looked under every pile of rubble looking for his father. Jose found a critically injured member of the cartel whose skin was smoldering and guts splayed out over the ground.
“Donde esta Rod Hardcock?!” Jose shouted to the dying man. But all the poor bastard could utter was “agua…agua.” So Jose emptied his .45 into him.
“No luck so far,” Jose told Jack. Then one of the bikers shouted “lo encontré!” Jack rushed to the portly biker and beside him was a tipped over porter john. And inside the porter john was a shit-caked Rod Hardcock.
“Jack, goddamn you, why did you come?!” Senor Hardcock told his son.
“Don’t worry Dad, I’m gonna make Pablo pay for this!”
Jose inquisitively look around him. “Has anyone found Pablo?”
Suddenly Hueys began whooshing overhead. Before Jack could react, he felt a bullet cut clean through his abdomen.
It sucks peen that I will never be a filmmaker because I’d love to adapt VD Mercer and Dan Scamell’s grotesque erotica novel Stuck Together With You. And I’m not saying that because I consider Dan my friend, I REALLY enjoyed the book.
I could go into plot details but just look at the cover. OR simply read the plot synopsis from Amazon:
Rhonda Wilkes is America’s grandma. Her acting career really took off 40 years ago with her wildly successful 1980’s ensemble sitcom, Stuck Together With You, about five aging women forced by circumstance to share a Long Island apartment. At 101 years old, and never far from her tall, mysterious, male assistant, Rhonda is still going strong. This is more than can be said for her Stuck Together co-stars, all of whom have died, save for Connie Roberts, who lives in declining health within an assisted living home.
The hideous secret to Rhonda’s longevity comes to light after Connie Roberts receives an experimental health treatment with low odds of survival. As Connie pulls through, hazy memories begin to return—memories of an orgiastic summoning ritual in a Hollywood studio lounge.
Given a second chance at life, Connie must track down Rhonda and her sinister assistant if she wants to put right the wrongs of the past decades. Luckily, Connie has the help of Terry, a miraculously resurrected assisted-living orderly, and the sentient finger now living in his head. Age is just a number in this salaciously weird tale of talking phalanges, steamy sex, and dark humor.
I’ve been unable to shake this book from my mind. Just imagine it: Barbara Crampton, Linnea Quigley, Felicia Rose, Juliette Lewis, etc etc coming together to do a spoof/homage to Golden Girls with clips from the mock sitcom interspersed through a story of violence, gore, and gratuitous nudity.
Unfortunately the gratuitous sex and nudity would have to be severely cut back. I doubt studios and actors would agree to that sort of thing. But I can see the ending in my mind: one final sitcom clip that hamfists the themes of the movie; cut to a black screen reading For Bea, Rue, Estelle, & Betty; Rod Stewart’s Young Turks plays over the credits.
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Since there’s been an inexplicable increase of traffic to my website, I should point out that if you’re interested in reading another weird piece of fiction, PLEASE consider purchasing your (shitty) copy of ‘The Detective James Series: Vol. 1’ on Amazon. If you read the whole thing, my apologies first off, but consider leaving a review 🙏🙏🙏
I’m surprised that Rolling Thunder has the following it does. It’s not good enough to be a classic and not bad enough to be a cult classic. But it did have potential, yet somewhere along the way someone dropped the ball.
It’s based on an original story by Paul Schrader. While the final product does have many of the markings of a Schrader-written feature (like the shooting up of a brothel during the film’s climax), it seems that many of its most interesting elements were stripped away.
William Devane plays a released Vietnam POW whose hometown rewards him with a valuable coin collection. A group of bandits steal the collection, killing his wife and child and maiming his hand in the process. Armed with his new hook hand, Devane enlists the help of friend Tommy Lee Jones to seek revenge.
It sounds like pretty standard 70s grit in the same vein as Death Wish, Dirty Harry, etc. And for the most part, it is. Thankfully, the Schrader-influenced elements that survive slightly elevate the film above that genre. Unfortunately, because the filmmakers decided to dial back on the gore and melodrama, Rolling Thunder’s impact is entirely negated.
And after 38 seconds of research, I came across the interesting tidbit on IMDB:
Goddamn, what a movie that would have been. Unfortunately the studio didn’t have the balls to do that kind of picture so we’re stuck with something that’s unfulfilling.
William Devane is a respectable actor and I’m sure his friends would say he’s a nice guy. But he was miscast in this part. From the moment we see him, he doesn’t come across as a guy that’s been scarred from years of torture. He feels a little bit too cool for that.
But you know who would have been perfect for the role?
Co-star Tommy Lee Jones.
I’m just gonna say it, Jones was fine AF in the 70s. And he doesn’t emote too much in his performance. He doesn’t have to. From the moment we’re introduced to him, we know exactly what he’s feeling. Had Schrader been able to make the picture he wanted, Tommy Lee Jones would have made the perfect white trash version of Travis Bickle.
Additionally, there’s no payoff with many of the Schraderian elements. At one point, Devane explains that he learned to love torture because that’s how “you beat your enemies” (paraphrasing). That came in handy when his home was invaded, but this attempt at a theme was never fully established.
Plus, the protagonist was given a hook hand. You’d think that that device would play a larger role in the story, but only twice does Devane use it against his enemies. I mean what the fuck? You’re given a hook for a hand. Kill everybody with it!
I get it. I understand why Bud Adams changed it from the Oilers to the Titans. Still though, the Titans should have remained the Oilers.
“But there’s no oil in Tennessee 😭😭😭,” you say.
Who cares?
LA and Utah are hardly known for their lakes and jazz, yet that hasn’t stopped their NBA teams. I’d also like to add that the three greatest players in “Titans” history – Warren Moon, Mike Munchak, and Earl Campbell – never played a down of football in Tennessee.
Arguably, the Tennessee Titans/Houston Oilers franchise has seen their best days in Nashville (they went to a Super Bowl for instance), but forget all of that. Everyone remembers this team for one reason and reason only: those dope ass Houston Oilers uniform.
Let’s just be honest, no one likes the Titans “two tone blue.” While the solid navy blue uniforms have grown on me the past few seasons, it was always a mistake to make that the primary color over the traditional “Titans/Oilers (light) blue.”
As for the logo, it’s respectable that the Titans incorporated the the three stars found on the Tennessee state flag, but it’s still a shitty logo. And they made it worse by adding an inexplicable flame to it.
Why make this the main logo when they have much better one available?
Am I crazy to think that this one’s cooler?
Slap that on the side of the helmet, revert back to the Oilers colors, and suddenly Tennessee goes from having one of the worst uniforms to one of the best!
Everybody wants this to happen. But I suppose the Adams family wants to be respectful to the city of Houston for abandoning them. But fuck ‘em! They ended up getting another (shitty) franchise!
Plus, everyone thinks the Houston Texans are a joke anyway. Nobody likes them. So if Tennessee wants fans to start liking them again, they should flush their current uniforms down the toilet and reissue the old Oilers outfits. And if they can’t do this full time, then they should just do it twice a year when they play Houston so that they can laugh in their stupid fucking faces.
Am I happy with the paperback quality of The Detective James Series? Nope. But it’s good enough and I have no intention of fixing its issues. What’s done is done. I ain’t Ridley Scott; there will be no Director’s Cut.
Only fools trip on things behind them. So I will no longer put any time and effort into fixing this creation of mine. All my critics and haters can suck my dick.
So be sure to purchase your copy on Amazon and please please PLEASE leave a review. They took down my review because Jeff Bezos is a mother fucker, so I don’t care if you actually read the book. That’s not important. Just talk about your day or your favorite color. What IS important is that you give it five stars 🙏
Thank you and I will love you forever. And when I mean forever, I mean FOREVER. 😐
The three artists that have influenced me the most are comedian Nick Mullen and authors Charles Bukowski and Cormac McCarthy.
McCarthy is an outlier compared to those other two. Other than our penchant for nihilism, we really don’t have any overlapping sensibilities. So I don’t try to emulate him. No one can.
But what inspired me about his writing is the way how he elevated the medium. McCarthy didn’t give a shit about correct grammar or punctuation. Some of his novels have entire conversations in Spanish and he doesn’t care to translate them into English or explain what they were about. He sometimes went into minute details over mundane actions that had no real consequence to the story. Nevertheless, you were completely engaged in this dark world of McCarthy’s creation.
While the obituaries since his death have cited No Country For Old Men and The Road as his most famous works, in my opinion (and really, the opinion of those in the know) his finest novel is Blood Meridian. I’ll go a step further and say that it might be the greatest American novel ever written. McCarthy’s vision of the Old West was dark and violent because the spilling of blood was the only language that land understood. Yet more importantly, never had violence been portrayed more poetically.
It’s unfortunate that it takes death for us to realize this, but hopefully now Cormac McCarthy will be recognized as one of the greatest writers of all time.
The Internet Ruined Everything 