I’m barely literate enough as it is so I’m gonna take it easy for today by pulling a Hollywood move and let AI write for me. By the way, perhaps we still need screenwriters, but do we really need commercial writers?
Let’s ponder this question while we read a pitch for toilets by Werner Herzog:
Some of the schools playing in the American Conference this year have already been covered. At least I think they’re playing in that conference this year. I don’t know. But it won’t affect the playoffs in any way. So let’s get into it.
7. University of Tulsa Golden Hurricanes
This is a good uniform, but Tulsa’s got a few things going against it: they play in Tulsa and the American is pretty strong uniform wise. The blue is strong but the gold mutes some of the boldness.
6. Tulane University Green Wave
Design-wise, it’s actually pretty good. The colors are nice, just not together. Besides, you’re the “green wave”. I’m sure there’s a good story behind it but why they fuck are you wearing Tar Heel blue?
5. East Carolina Pirates
Maybe in another universe I’d love this uniform. But this is where boldness starts to work against you. It’s not a good uniform to watch while you’re nursing a Saturday morning hangover.
4. Temple University Owls
It hurts me to put this one this low. The ‘T’ logo kicks ass and I have a soft spot for their alternates. But it’s just not strong enough to move forward.
3. University of Memphis Tigers
So sue me, I love the tiger stripes. I’d prefer it if they just used white full time to accentuate the blue as the grey kinda mutes it. But whatever. It’s serviceable.
2. South Florida Bulls
Too bad they perpetually suck, because the Bulls have a great uniform. At least their standard uniform is good. If it weren’t for some of their shitty alternates, they might’ve won the conference.
1. Southern Methodist University Mustangs
Maybe I spoke too soon when I announced Louisiana Tech as the best team to wear red, white, and blue. Sure they look like the Buffalo Bills, but I like the Bills uniform. And mustangs are cool. Plus I LOVE it when they put ‘Dallas’ on the front of the jersey. So put SMU in the Big 12!
SMU advances!
I didn’t know that famed porno director Tinto Brass was still alive. But at 90, he surviving on his pure, unadulterated hatred for Bob Guccione (who died in 2010). According to recent reports, Tinto is still fighting to keep his name off the recent version of Caligula, which, according to Malcolm McDowell, was released at Cannes. Brass argues that editing is an important part of his directing process, and since he wasn’t involved in editing any version of Caligula…including the latest one…it’s not his film.
I’m sort of with Brass on this. Not because I give a shit about the integrity of his “process”, but because producers and Penthouse executives need to leave well enough alone. Caligula is a cult classic. It’s flaws, inexplicable porno shots, and incoherent plot are actually what make that movie memorable. It’s sort of perfect in its own unique, stupid way. Despite the protests of the talent involved, I don’t think there’s any way to cut Caligula into a great, or even good, film.
But I get it. It’s sort of embarrassing to have a film written by Gore Vidal, and starring Malcolm McDowell, Helen Mirren, Peter O’Toole, and John Gielgud get reduced to a hardcore porno. I feel McDowell’s frustrations in his Instagram post. He gave a performance of a lifetime that perhaps doesn’t get recognized due to the film’s controversy.
But I had a similar concern when Peter Bogdanovich announced that he was finishing Orson Welles’ The Other Side of the Wind for Netflix. What was fascinating about The Other Side was that IT WAS unfinished. It fit Welles’ reputation perfectly: he couldn’t finish a film, and The Other Side of the Wind was supposed to be his magnum opus. There was no way that the finished product could have matched our expectations, especially since Welles couldn’t be involved in finishing it (because he died in 1985).
Good for McDowell. He might finally be recognized for his hard work. But Caligula will always be remembered as an expensive, and violent, hardcore porno film starring the best talent that money could buy. Of course it was a train wreck, but it was a beautiful one at that 👍
I was talking mad shit about Ridley Scott yesterday. I don’t know why, but I was put into a bad mood after watching the trailer for Napoleon. It wasn’t because the trailer was bad, it just pissed me off.
How many movies has Ridley Scott made? 400,000? And how many times has he made something interesting and EVERY goddamn time we watch it and we come away unfulfilled? The answer is 400,000 times which is the exact amount of movies he has made.
This includes Alien. Sure, the second half of the movie is pretty good, but that opening half is a slog. It doesn’t help that he was out-directed by James Cameron in Aliens.
Blade Runner somehow made it into AFIs top 100 movies ever made. But that’s thanks to Vangelis, Douglas Trumbull, Harrison Ford, Rutger Hauer, the production designer, and the cinematographer. They saved a mediocre script and lackluster direction.
Gladiator is in the running for being one of the most overrated movies of all time.
And Black Hawk Down is actually pretty good.
Special shout out to Hannibal however. This film came at a time when Scott was directing everything that was being released, so he probably rolled out of bed to make it. It’s doubtful that he put much thought into his efforts, but it worked. It’s not a great film but at least it’s a memorable one, which is more than I can say for 98% of his filmography.
Ridley Scott knows how to bring in the talent. That can’t be debated. His films always look incredible, yet somehow empty. At best, Scott can be described as a slightly more competent version of George Lucas.
So who’s Apple TV trying to fool? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 400,000 times, I’m a fucking moron.
So with that said, I will probably spend my hard earned money to watch Napoleon.
If reading books on your phone is your thing, I have some good news and bad news: The Detective James Series: Vol. I is now available on Kindle.
I’d make it available for free if I could, but Jeff Bezos has to get his cut. Therefore it costs $2.99 to purchase.
Don’t blame me 🤷♂️
For the record, I haven’t bothered looking at it on Kindle. It’s probably even more poorly formatted than its print edition. Just letting you know.
Bye ✌️
“At least carry a sidearm Dad!” Jack advised his dad.
“No!” Rod retorted. “That’s so uncivilized! AND I’m a pacifist!”
“It’s probably not a good idea to attack an entire cartel with only samurai swords!”
Jose had enough and threw the tequila bottle against the wall. “The whole thing is a trap!” he screamed.
“No it’s not!” Rod replied.
“It’s definitely a trap,” Jack added.
“Why would they lead us into the United States?” Jose continued. “If we cross the border and kill a bunch of guys, then we’re subject to US law! How do we know that the authorities aren’t watching us?”
Rod picked up his sword and began twirling it around. “We have them on the ropes,” he said. “This might be our last opportunity to finish what we started, Jose.”
“Then we should lead them back across the border and attack them on Mexican soil!” Jose replied.
“No!”
“Dad, if we kill ‘em on Mexican soil then we can get away with this scott free!” Jack pleaded.
“No! Noooooooooooo!”
Rod threw his samurai sword into the air and with one swift kick, he broke the sword in two. Jack and Jose stood in awed silence before Jose picked up the two broken pieces and shook his head. “You’re marching towards your death, Rod,” Jose said, “and I want no part of it. Where will this madness end?”
Jose dropped the pieces on the ground and began walking towards the door. Rod looked out the window into the barren New Mexican landscape. “This is my last cry, as my last blood flows,” he uttered to himself. “Then, O my Tyrians, besiege with hate His progeny and all his race to come: No love, no pact must be between our peoples.”
Jose stopped in his tracks. “What the hell are you talking about now?”
“The Aenied,” Rod said.
“I don’t understand.”
“I’m an old man, Jose. I didn’t choose this life, and neither did you. Our whole lives, we’ve understood the risks but we rolled the dice anyway. Now’s not the time to back down. We don’t play defense. Now’s the time to attack! Right here, right now! NOW’S the time to make them pay for what they’ve done!”
“Fuckin’ A!” Jack seconded.
TO BE CONTINUED…
I don’t remember if I already did the Sun Belt Conference. So fuck it, I’ll do it again.
14. Georgia Southern Eagles
I don’t hate this uniform as much as the other navy blue/white combos. The variations on the helmet elevate it above the others. But it’s still pretty weak overall.
13. James Madison Dukes
I’ll give them props for using purple. But the purple and gold combo is not a pretty sight, especially when you’re nursing a Friday night hangover.
12. Troy University Trojans
The numerous variations make this a solid outfit overall. It’s not a bad uniform, just doesn’t do much to stand out.
11. Texas State Bobcats
Maroon is a classic college football color, but when it’s paired with gold it only reminds you of colleges that do it better. It’s no Florida State is what I’m getting at.
10. South Alabama Jaguars
The school’s acronym is USA, so it makes sense to use red, white, and blue. But if you’re going to do that, make sure that you use AMERICAN blue and not NAVY blue. But the all red alternates are pretty good.
9. Old Dominion Monarchs
The navy blue (or “monarch” blue as they call it) ain’t shit. But the “sky” blue ones are a thing of beauty.
8. Louisiana at Monroe Warhawks
I rarely ever see these guys on TV so I forgot how good of a uniform this is. But they need to ditch the white helmet to make it pop a little better.
7. Georgia State Panthers
Just a nice simple uniform. I’m not a fan of that logo though.
6. Coastal Carolina Chanticleers
One word comes to mind: bold. Does it entirely work for me? No. But respect nonetheless.
5. Louisiana Lafayette Ragin’ Cajuns
Like the simple red and white. LOVE the logo and name ‘Ragin’ Cajuns’. But they seem to be missing an opportunity to do something more interesting with the design.
4. Arkansas State Red Wolves
‘Red Wolves’ is kinda a dumb name, but the logo is solid. They should just stick with the solid red or black uniforms though.
3. Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles
I’ve said this a million times: black and yellow (or gold) are the best colors to put on a football uniform. But they should just stick to putting the “Golden Eagle” logo on the helmet and not the boring “Southern Miss” name.
2. Marshall Thundering Herd
Green is another color that’s criminally underused in football. There’s some design flaws, but they are all easily overlooked because of the strong colors.
1. Appalachian State Mountaineers
Like I said, black and gold are the best football colors. And App State let the colors speak for them. Best uniforms in the conference.
Appalachian State advances.
“This bullet wound ain’t shit,” Jack said. The bikers were carrying him away while dodging fire from the high flying hueys. While deep in the cover from the surrounding jungle, Jack attempted to cauterize the wound Rambo-style. But this was a spectacular failure and he soon went into shock.
After spending five days in a coma, Jack awoke to find his father standing over him. “Goddamn you, Jack,” Rod said. Then he punched his son out.
Jack spent five more days in a coma due to a severe concussion. When he awoke again, he found himself in a shack far away from Juarez. “Where the hell are we?” he asked.
The scarred up biker sitting nearby put down the tequila bottle. “Puerto Paloma,” he said, then belched and farted.
“Mexico?”
“Nuevo Mexico.”
Jose barged in splashing water on his face and cursing. “Hijo de puta!” he yelled.
“Why are we in the United States?” Jack asked.
Jose picked up the tequila bottle and shook his head. “While you were in a coma, we tracked Pablo and the cartel across the border,” Jose explained. “Your father is a bastardo.”
“Where is he? Whatever business my father had with cartel is over. I’m taking him with me.”
“Good luck with that,” Jose retorted. “He’s not listening to anyone!”
Jack got up from the dusty floor and walked out into the blazing sun. A few yards away was another shack where Jack presumed his father to be. He swung open the door where he found Rod Hardcock in deep meditation. “We’re leaving,” Jack ordered after he kicked in the side.
Rod emerged from deep thought and picked up a pair of nunchucks. He swung them around his body just inches away from Jack. “The fuck are you doing?” Jack asked.
“Why did you come to Mexico?” Rod responded, still focused on nunchuck practice. “I don’t need your help.”
“I’m not here to help you. I’m here to get you away from this mess!”
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“You’re 76 years old dad! Why are you still running around with a murderous gang of bikers?!”
Rod threw down the nunchucks and looked his son square in the eye. “You think I can’t hang? Try me!”
“Dad, you don’t want none of this.”
“I don’t want to fight you! I’m a pacifist! But I see that you’re still carrying around that pathetic .38. Come on now! You’re a big boy! Give it a shot!”
Jack cocked his head. “You want me to shoot you?”
“Shiiiiiiit, that bullet won’t come near me!”
Jack shrugged, pulled out the .38 and pointed it at his father. “I don’t know what you think this will prove,” he said, “but if you really want me to shoot you…”. He fired a single round and in less than a blink of an eye, Rod threw a shuriken which completely deflected the bullet.
“Mother of god,” Jack gasped.
Rod chuckled. “You still think your old man has nothing left to prove?”
“Alright then,” Jack replied while he re-holstered his gun, “so you’re a pacifist, eh? I should have known that you’ve become a filthy heathen. But why chase the cartel? What’s the point?”
Rod pulled an immaculate Samurai sword from off the wall and slowly swung it around. “You’re a messenger of the Lord’s Word,” he explained, “but I live by the Way of the Blade. I don’t know why fate has chose me, but I know it’s my duty to purify this land of its violent ways…specially by the tip of my sword.”
“Okay dad,” Jack agreed, “I will help you, but only because I have some unfinished business with Pablo. And after we mercilessly kill all of them, you’re coming with me.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
After shitting the bed one too many times, Alex Kurtzman and company finally did something right with the first season of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds. Then, almost as if we’re in the Twilight Zone, they went out on a high note with the third season of Picard. It seemed like Kurtzman finally had this Star Trek stuff figured out and for the first time in awhile, the future of the franchise looked bright.
And maybe it still is. But considering Prodigy and Discovery got (mercifully) axed, it’s now up to Strange New Worlds to carry the banner (Lower Decks doesn’t exist in my eyes). The first season was solid, not great, but it seemed like writers figured out that you don’t have to do too much to tell a good Star Trek story.
Thankfully they’re still doing that. Unfortunately the writing has regressed in a way that’s difficult to put my finger on. Season 2 is simply poorly written. Not in a stupid Alex Kurtzman way, it’s just plain bad.
Truth be told, I hardly remember the first episode other than I cringed a lot. I love Carol Kane. But her character is straight up annoying. And the fan service is unnecessary. Stealing the Enterprise?! Where have we seen THAT before?!
The second episode was marginally better: a simple courtroom case to determine the fate of first officer Una Chin-Riley. Obviously they were going for a Measure of a Man vibe, but it was a little too on the nose. Star Trek has a history of doing courtroom drama, almost ALL of it good. Additionally, courtroom drama should be the easiest thing for a television writer to produce; everything is front and center and self-contained. The gold standard for Star Trek courtroom drama is, of course, The Measure of a Man, but what was brilliant about it was that it contained five actors and showcased Patrick Stewart’s acting skills. It was amazingly simple. In SNW S2 Ep. 2, there was too much focus on interpersonal drama and the speeches went on far too long. Perhaps if they waited later in the season to have this court case, it might’ve been more impactful. But where it stands, the episode fell flat.
But what really pissed me off was the third episode. Going back in time to present day Toronto (where the show is conveniently filmed)? Lame. And more fan service bullshit by introducing child Khan? Yes, Star Trek II is an incredible movie but it’s time to let it go. But there’s also the issue of Paul Wesley as James T. Kirk.
Wesley seems like a competent actor and a nice guy. But let’s be frank: no one is sold on him being the greatest Captain in Starfleet history. And I don’t think it’s his fault. No one in Kurtzman’s production team has probably told him how to play the role.
As I’ve said a million times before, William Shatner is actually a great actor. He understood that when you play a Starfleet captain, you’re playing two roles: the captain and the man. Patrick Stewart and Avery Brooks understood this too. When you play the captain, it’s okay to be over the top and hammy; being in command of a ship is a performance in itself. The drama occurs when the captain doesn’t know when to drop the facade.
I don’t think Chris Pine does this with his interpretation of Kirk, but he has a unique charisma of his own. Plus he has the luxury of playing an alternate Kirk. Wesley is playing the OG Kirk. While I understand that he doesn’t want to mimic William Shatner, I’m just suggesting that he probably needs to. Don’t be afraid to speak in Shatner’s unusual cadence. It’s actually a VERY effective way of communicating. It’s theatrical, it’s bold, it’s memorable…just like James T. Kirk!
I kept waiting for them to “nuke the fridge” in Indiana Jones and Dial of Destiny but the damndest thing happened…that moment never came.
Internet trolls have had a string of successes in their criticisms of Disney and Kathleen Kennedy specifically and because of this, consensus among the mainstream media has been lukewarm towards the latest Indiana Jones feature. As a result, it is expected that it will underperform at the box office.
It’s unfortunate. The movie is pretty good and it’s critics completely missed the mark:
Antonio Banderas’ brief appearance? Neither here nor there.
It’s absurd time travel plot? No more absurd than the Ark of the Covenant killing a bunch of Nazis.
The CGI? Uneven, yes. But no more uneven than in the other films (which added to their charm) and the de-aged Harrison Ford is done quite well.
Phoebe Waller-Bridge? Perhaps this is the most telling criticism because she’s actually quite good.
Of course it has its issues. But it’s problems can be found in EVERY Indiana Jones movie. The ones I found to be legitimate were the pacing issues and the cinematography, both of which can be easily fixed with a fan edit or director’s cut.
Additionally, the filmmakers don’t try to hide Harrison Ford’s age which probably explains why he doesn’t loom as large over the picture as he does in other films. But this is Ford’s swan song. As a result we get a more personal Indy. While this may not please all fans, I think Ford gave his best performance in the series.
But I’m pleading with my readers: don’t let the trolls win. Go see this picture!
The Internet Ruined Everything 