License Renewed

With all the turmoil in the world, from tariffs to climate change; from war to fascism, there’s still one hero we can depend on. His name is Bond, James Bond.

Specifically Pierce Brosnan’s James Bond.

We all know by now that the Broccolis folded and handed over power to Jeff Bezos and the Amazon Empire. If Star Wars has taught us anything, we know that this will likely lead to disaster and total ruin for this once proud franchise.

I will go on record as saying that I don’t necessarily support Pierce Brosnan’s return to the role. Some fans have expressed the need for closure and that the Irish actor might’ve gotten a raw deal when his era came to a close. While I sympathize with this sentiment, I feel that this franchise, or any franchise really, needs to move forward and never look back if it wants to progress. But with this new regime, we know that bad decisions will be made. So with that said, if Amazon wants to bring Brosnan back for one more outing, here’s how it should go down:

License Renewed directed by Martin Campbell

Synopsis:

Xavier Rhodes (Peter Dinklage) has acquired an old Russian nuclear arsenal with plans to disrupt Chinese and US relations. But known only M16, this is actually a covert a plot to lure James Bond (Pierce Brosnan) out of retirement for revenge over a mission gone wrong 20 years earlier. Bond enlists the help of nuclear weapons expert Christmas Jones (Denise Richards) and Chinese agent Wai Lin (Michelle Yeoh) to foil the plot.

Yes, you read that right: I’m bringing Denise Richards BACK. And my reasoning is simple: the arc of the story is redemption. Her character and acting were heavily criticized in The World is Not Enough and it’s time she gets redeemed. Richards is 54 years old. She seems much more surly and no nonsense now and I pray to god that her acting skills has sharpened. To begin the story, I imagine Dr. Christmas Jones now a professor at some shitty college in the midwest and is tired of her students’ shit. Then James Bond re-enters her life and asks her “why didn’t you call?”. She responds sarcastically with “yeah, ‘I thought Christmas only comes once a year’ is definitely a line to win a girl’s heart.”

Christmas is the main Bond girl. At 70 years old, we don’t want 007 hitting on college aged girls, so we need to reintroduce established characters. Brosnan actually had a pretty strong run with Bond women which is why we need to see what became of Wai Lin. Yeoh’s resurgent popularity would appeal Amazon’s pocketbook so her return only seems natural. But it would come with the understanding that their fling in Tomorrow Never Dies was just that: a fling. The real romantic tension is between Bond and Christmas Jones as he drags her grumpy ass around the world before realizing that maybe she likes this old goofball.

As for James Bond himself, the present day story begins with the former agent enjoying retirement in the south of France. He’s tear-assing his Aston Martin DB5 through the hills in a callback to Goldeneye as he tries to woo some old fluzy. Unfortunately the woman realizes that Bond is too dangerous so she rejects his advances. Unbothered by this, Bond returns home to find his old M16 watch urging him to report to HQ. Believing this to be an error, he calls London where they tell him that the message is legitimate. He hangs up the phone and looks at his watch. “I’ll be damned. It still works,” he says.

He returns to London where he meets with Ralph Fiennes’ M. Also in the office is Samantha Bond as Miss Moneypenny where she informs 007 that she’s counting down the days to collect her pension. Meanwhile, Bond’s casual attire and Hawaiian shirt clashes with M’s stiff Brit style. M doesn’t believe that this current threat from Rhodes is of much concern so he wants it resolved as quickly and quietly as possible, which is why he’s assigning the weaselly 002 to accompany him. Bond visits with Q and he’s disappointed when he’s only issued practical gadgets. “Don’t I get an exploding pen?” he quips. Bond goes to America to collect Christmas Jones and they ditch 002’s ass somewhere in Asia and they pursue Rhodes on their own. The plot unfolds and is revealed to be much deeper than M had presumed.

If Amazon wants to make this movie, this needs to be a REAL James Bond movie, meaning we need the gun barrel, a cold open, a theme song, a mission, and an explosive final. As for the gun barrel, do you want a 70 year old man to roll out and shoot the screen? I’ll let you decide. But my solution is to just reuse Brosnan’s footage from the 90s and the cold open starts 20 years ago with a SLIGHTLY de-aged Brosnan running around and shooting people just like in the old days. This character also introduces us to Dinklage’s Xavier Rhodes and sets up the main plot.

After the heaviness of No Time to Die, it’s important to inject some levity back into the series. At the end of License Renewed, Bond doesn’t die. Rhodes is killed and 007 rides off into the sunset with Christmas Jones where they are once again caught making love. When they are finished, Jones looks at Bond and sternly tells him “don’t fucking say it!”

Credits roll.

JAMES BOND WILL RETURN

Anaideia 30

Old Jim lagged behind the group and screeched in agony with each passing hop. He’d stop frequently and begged his overseer to unshackle him. “Please,” he yelped, “I’m just an old sonuva bitch. My knees don’t work good!”

Out of pity, I looked to my captor for an act of clemency. “Untie his ankles!” I begged. “For fuck’s sake, he can’t run very far!”

But the man only jabbed the Uzi into my ribs. “Will you pipe down!” he said. “Just relax. We don’t have much further to go.”

Lo and behold minutes later we arrived at a clearing in the woods with old rusted machinery littering the forest floor and three tied up horses drinking from a troth. One of the men came forth to dust off old crusted leaves and pine needles to reveal a trap door leading underground. The door lifted and the man waved the Uzi to usher us inside. “Go on now,” he ordered.

With guns to our backs, we were pushed into an underground labyrinth. The cave walls were adorned with lighted torches leading the way. In the distance, the echoing screeches of Penelope could be heard. It was clear then that we were cattle driven to slaughter and the only response we could muster was petrified fear.

This dark labyrinth seemingly extended for miles down twisted paths and narrow passageways before we reached the final hellish cavern where the demon that was Penelope was chained on all fours to anchors burrowed into the earth. She screeched and gnashed to no avail while two unfamiliar men sweated and wept behind lines of bamboo that resembled a makeshift prison. We reached the bottom of the cavern where our captors ordered us to our knees.

“Well boys,” the man told us through ear piercing screams, “this is the end of the line. Those two fellers over there, well, they were looking for Penelope too. But we got to her first.”

One of the other captors opened the bamboo cage and threw a prisoner out. Like us, his hands and ankles were tied and he futilely begged for his life. But the man, our captor, continued to lecture us. “You see,” he continued, “city folk have been coming to these hills for years looking for the legend herself. And the crazy thing is the myth is true! She actually exists! But she’s not yours to claim. Yet a girl’s gotta eat.”

“Please, please! No!” the prisoner begged. But the man grabbed him by the collar and pushed him towards Penelope’s reach. He smacked up against her then fell to the ground. Penelope smelt the man while he quietly wept. Then she bit into his legs which was followed by ungodly screams from the prisoner. Blood gurgled from his mouth as she chewed him up and when she reached his torso he let out one final hair raising screech before his head was swallowed whole. When it was over, the other prisoner gave a panicked cry. The captors guffawed and the leader turned back to us. “What do you think about that?” he asked.

“Thank you for giving us a demonstration,” I said. “You can release us now and you’ll never see us again.”

With Penelope subdued, the other captor undid his suspenders and dropped his pants. He approached her from the rear while trying to stiffen his part and then he penetrated her. Penelope laid there seemingly defeated in a pitiful way. The man, the leader, lashed out. “Pull up your pants there mister!” he ordered. “Don’t do that in front of our guests!”

But the humping only increased in intensity before he climaxed. Penelope was unresponsive as her violator wiped sweat from his brow. “Sorry boss,” he said while he pulled up his pants. “I’ll control myself next time.”

“Goddamn,” the man said to the four of us. “They can’t control their little peckers when they see a naked woman.”

“Why are you doing this?” I asked. “Why don’t you kill her and be done with it?”

“Well,” the man began with a degree of sincerity as he spat a luggie, “do you boys ever recall hearing about a certain crash that happened in these hills on January 4th, 1952?”

No one responded.

“Well anyway,” he continued, “there were reports of UFO activity in the area following a fiery crash. We had the government investigating out here but they found nuthin. But there was somethin. You see, on January 5th of nineteen hundred and fifty two, my grandpappy was wondering these hills when he found a wounded creature. It was human-like as he described it, if not slightly larger, but he didn’t know what it was. Well, he dragged it home and it turned out that it was female alien. Being a mountain man with the ways of a mountain man, he had his way with her. Now this alien my pappy found wasn’t known to be violent. He described her as being extraordinarily intelligent and of peaceful ways. But a few months later, after continuous unholy and unsanctified copulation, an abomination was born. The child was violent, only satisfied with the flesh of men. That child is Penelope, who is laying right there.”

“So? What are you going to do with her?” I ask.

“Excellent question,” the man said then knelt in front of me. “This land has been in my family for generations. Everyone has tried to tread upon it: the government, corporations, the city folk. There’s only one way to keep y’all grimy hands off it. And that’s to raise a generation more of these monsters. If I must put the fear of god into fellers that wish to come here then by god that’s what I’ll do.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Anaideia 29

Dale was planked against a tree with knees bent and pants around his ankles as he desperately tried to shit a dry turd. There was no telling how deep into the mountains we were. The temperature was declining rapidly and thick, cotton-like clouds were forming above. If this day was unsuccessful then we decided to double back to the trail in the morning. Meanwhile, Dale was in immense pain.

“Goddamn,” he kept shouting. “Thank god I won’t have to wipe! My asshole is rubbed raw!”

“Let’s pinch it off Dale,” I said. “We need to keep moving.”

“Alright alright,” he said as he leaned forward and buckled his pants.

Vic returned from his reconnaissance with Jim. They were gone for maybe 30 minutes before climbing out of the brush with urgent news. “I found more blood in the clearing below,” Vic stated. “It’s fresh. We can’t be far off.”

We picked up our things and proceeded down the cliff and into a small opening in the forest where beside a fallen and decaying tree was another spot of yellowish blood. Then we looked for more clues. A few feet deeper into the woods was another fresh batch. “She’s near. I know it,” Vic uttered.

“It can only mean one thing,” said Dale as he pulled out his AK.

It was time to press forward quietly with arms ready. We spread out in a diamond shape formation that we had rehearsed earlier and moved inch by inch. Only the sounds of twigs and brush snapping beneath our feet could be heard. Where are you, you son of a bitch?” Vic whispered.

Then from the left flank, Dale stepped into a shallow pit. A lasso tightened around his feet and he was lifted into the air upside down. “Shit!Goddamnit! Mother fucker!” he yelled. Then we broke formation and rushed towards him. Old Jim was next to fall into a trap. “Ah hell,” he said as he dangled from a tree branch.

In a panic, Vic and I attempted to backtrack away from the two. But like bad fortune, we simultaneously stepped into separate pits then a weighted contraption was triggered and the rope tightened around our ankles. The rope pulled and swept our feet from beneath us and knocking us on our asses and before we knew it all four of us were dangling under trees.

“We can’t be this fucking stupid!” Vic said with beet red face.

“Speak for yourself!” I said. “It’s been nice knowing you fellas! We’re now easy prey for Penelope!”

Vic reached his arms out and ab crunched his hands towards his feet using all his strength in an attempt to loosen the rope. “If I could just get to my knife!” he said.

But a faint laughter interrupted his escape plan. The three roughians from the night before appeared from the brush cackling their heads off.

“I should have known,” I said.

Their antagonistic leader knelt down in front of Vic’s face and laughed some more. “It looks like we caught ourselves some city boys!” he laughed to the others.

“Cut us down!” demanded Vic.

“Now I told you boys that this was private property!” the man retorted.

“You’re full of shit!” said Vic.

The man pulled out a Bowie knife, one not all that dissimilar to Vic’s, and held it in front of his face. “You don’t seem to be in a position to make demands,” he said.

“Fine! Cut us down and we’ll leave!”

The man stood up and resheathed the knife. “Nah I don’t think so,” he said. “Besides, I think I could put y’all into good use.”

He signaled to the other two to cut us down. First, they grabbed our hands and tied them behind our backs. Then they reached above our feet to cut the rope. One by one, we plopped to the ground while our ankles remained lassoed. The man then picked up the Uzi that I dropped in the malaise and held it up. “An Uzi?!” he exclaimed. “Goddamn, you boys were aimin to kill something out here.”

The other two confiscated our weapons and aimed them at us. “Alright,” the man announced, “it might take a little bit but I’m gonna need y’all to start hopping in this direction. Don’t worry, we don’t have far to go.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Anaideia 28

As night fell, a faint hint of snow seeped through the trees. We climbed through the brush as gently as possible so as to not cause alarm. I made it a point to not have the Uzi on full display as we neared the campfire. About 50 yards out we could make out the few men surrounding it. There was only three of them and along with their horses. Vic shouted out before approaching.

“Hello there!” he yelled.

All three of them leapt up with weapons drawn. “Do not be alarmed!” Vic shouted. “We come in peace! I assure you!”

The men, three roughians with long scraggly beards, slowly reholstered their guns as we came near. Vic lead the pack with his hands in the air. “We’re fellow travelers,” he told them standing at the edge of camp, “all we wish is to warm our bones by the fire.”

The larger man looked him up and down then spat a wad of tobacco. “What happened to yer eye there feller?” he asked.

“I seemed to have misplaced it,” Vic joked.

“I’d say so,” the man said.

“Mind if we have a seat?”

The man didn’t object.

The four of us cautiously sit on one side of the fire while the other three dug into their cans of beans and slop with the juices dripping into their beards. The leader continued to stair at us while we rested our hands over the fire. “Boys got any whiskey?” asked Dale.

“No,” said the man.

We silently resumed warming our bodies while the gang of three scarfed down. One threw his can into the fire then belched. “How comes you fellers ain’t go no horses?” the lead man asked us.

“It’s a long story,” said Vic.

“Well you better get to explainin.”

Sensing the tension, Vic shifted in his seat. “What’s it to you, partner?”

“Four fellers wonderin the woods with no horses. There must be sumthin wrong with y’alls.”

“Maybe something is. Does that bother you?”

“You’re goddamn right it does! Sumthin about it don’t smell right.”

I slowly yet stealthily reached into my coat and placed my hand on the Uzi fearing something might go down. Vic meanwhile glared at the man from across the fire. “I’m open to having a cordial conversation with you, mate,” said Vic. “I told you that we’re fellow travelers. There’s not much use in knowing anything more than that.”

“I’ll be the one to determine that!”

“Mate,” Vic calmly said, “there are terrible things in these hills. A man like yourself can easily go missing.”

“What are you insinuating, mate? What’s a one-eyed peckerwood like yourself gonna do?”

“What makes you think I’m talking about me?”

The man laughed and spat into the fire. “You’re going after Penelope! Can you believe that shit?!” he asked his comrades. “A bunch of city boys chasing after an imaginary princess in the woods! I’ll be goddamned!”

“She’s real,” said Vic, “and she ain’t no princess.”

“Yeah, well, I ain’t seen nuthin like that in my lifetime,” the man grunted. “You boys must be on sumthin. You see that trail over yonder?” The man pointed behind him. “In the mornin y’all should go headed that way. There ain’t nuthin in these hills for ya.”

“If you don’t mind me saying so,” said Vic, “I’ll be the one to determine that.”

“Now look here boy,” the man said sternly, “I’ll give you the night to rest up. But if I find you again, I’ll hog tie you and drag your ass back to the city. You hear? This here is private property.”

Vic didn’t reply. He picked up his gatherings and began setting up his own camp several feet away. The rest of us sat silently around the campfire while the three men with horses belched and farted. I actually slept good that night. But in the morning, we awoke to find the men and their horses gone. I walked over to Vic’s spot where he was packing up his things.

“We’re on to something,” he kept saying to me like a raving madman.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“Those men were hiding something. This ain’t no private property.”

“How do you figure?”

“It’s just a hunch.”

“Vic, we can’t keep going on hunches. We aren’t going to survive for much longer.”

“Then I reckon you ought to go walkin down that trail!”

“I might do!”

“Well go on!”

“Boys boys boys!” Dale intervened. “I say fuck this shit and let’s go home.”

“So this is it then?” asked Vic. “After all I did for you? I shot up a bar to rescue your ass!”

I instantly regretted my words. I looked to the ground for a bit then looked at Vic. This much I at least owed the man. “Vic, you’re my friend,” I said, “I followed you to the edge of the earth and I’m prepared to go further. But let me be clear: you have one more day.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Anaideia 27

Around 5pm we packed our shit and exited the hotel room and I threw the room key onto the receptionist’s desk and apologized. “Sorry for destroying the room,” I said. “You should really clean up this shit hole.”

“Get the fuck out,” he ordered.

This was the last man we spoke to for several days. We left the one horse town and trekked back up the mountain slope and towards the pass as the sun fell below the horizon. We passed the Bacardi bottle between us before realizing it wouldn’t last till midnight and we finished drinking it anyway. An hour later we came across the creek where we last encountered Penelope and filled our canteens. Vic wondered along the shoreside looking for her footprints and when he found where he was attacked, he followed her path over a ridge away from the pass. “This way!” he declared. So we went over the ridge and deeper into the mountains before finding a comfortable spot to camp. When we found one, Dale pissed around the perimeter while Vic made a fire.

“Dale, what the fuck are you doing?” I ask.

“Supposedly snakes and scorpions won’t cross over human piss,” he explained.

We all took turns standing watch throughout the night but the mountains were eerily silent. The next morning we packed up and penetrated deeper into the rocky terrain. Our elevation was steadily climbing and the air was harder to breathe. We gnawed on jerky throughout the day which caused massive dehydration yet Vic was pushing forward at breakneck speed.

“We ate all the goddamn jerky!” Dale yelled and threw down the non-biodegradable bag on the ground.

Vic noticed a ridge line of trees and ran ahead of us. We heard a gunshot echo from the that direction and minutes later we saw him peer out of the woods with a coyote carcass. “Here’s some sustenance,” he said and dropped the body.

That night we feasted on coyote meat and in the morning we continued the march. The dry dirt and sun baked rocks eventually gave way to pine needles and evergreens and the air grew crisp and clean. We didn’t know how deep into the mountains we were and only Vic provided any sense of direction. Though I had assumed Old Jim would have tired by then but he seemed reinvigorated. I on the other hand became weary of the purpose of our pursuit. When we came to a bluff overlooking yet another deep valley, I had had enough.

“Are you sure we’re on the right path?” I asked Vic.

“Goddamn you! Of course I’m sure!” he spat back.

Perhaps we should have followed the doctor’s advice and taken Vic to a real hospital. His quest for vengeance was overpowering any good sense left in his mangled brain. We had escaped certain death only days earlier but like a desperate gambler we kept going all in. But finally the gamble paid off. As the alpine winds swept through the valley and threatened to chill us, Vic noticed a yellowish speckle on the ground. He knelt down to rub his finger across it then placed his finger to his lips and licked it.

“It’s her alright,” he said.

The sky darkened and the winds picked up and we sought shelter in the nearby woods. While the rest of the group set up camp, I ventured a little deeper into the wood on a whim. About 50 feet away from camp, sitting alone on a small meadow on top of dead pine was a brown open crowned cowboy hat similar to that of the late Karl’s. To my chagrin I realized that Vic was right: we were on the right path.

I picked up the hat and carried back to camp where the others were roasting the meats of rabbit and vermin captured earlier in the day. I squated down and tossed the hat in the middle for all to see. “Damnit Vic,” I uttered, “you’re right. I don’t know how but you’re right.”

Vic chewed off a hunk of rabbit meat impaled on a stick and spat out the fat. “Aye mate,” he said. “I told ya before that I’ve seen the devil. She’s the foulest and most evil thing in these hills. The devil can run but she can’t hide because I know her face. I know her name. I know what she thinks. And I know where she sleeps. It makes you wonder why she’s called the devil. Maybe I’m the terror that stalks these mountains.”

As nightfall came and the fire died, I covered myself in the stolen nylon blanket and held my Uzi tight. I could barely sleep a wink as I kept one eye on Vic. Five days we had been looking. I chose to give it one more day. It was a morning of blistering cold and I awoke from a flash of sleep to see Vic standing over me.

“Good morning,” he greeted.

“Good morning?” I said.

“I have something I want to show you.”

While the others slept and a glimpse of morning skies hovered above, we marched a mile or two into a crowded wooded valley. By yet another creek bed, Vic kicked away a few stones and pointed to a pile of brown excrement. “Do you know what that is?” he asks.

“It’s a pile of shit,” I said.

“Aye. It hasn’t hardened.”

“So?”

“So, it means we’re close.”

“You think it’s Penelope’s shit?”

“No. In these parts, no other creatures could shit a log that big.”

Indeed, I agreed. The turd was at least a foot long and many inches thick. Vic stood watch while I retrieved the others and packed up camp. We caught up with him and ventured deeper into the mountains and as dusk approached we noticed a small plume of smoke rising from a camp fire above the tree line. Then we climbed higher to get a better look.

“We need to keep moving along the ridge to avoid these guys,” said Vic.

I disagreed. “We’re dangerously low on supplies,” I said. “We need to see if we can trade with these folks.”

“No!” he shouted.

“Vic, I don’t want to die out here!”

“My taint itches and I haven’t slept well in three days!” Dale said. “I need more booze.”

Vic balked and the group threatened to break up. Old Jim became the deciding factor so I asked him plainly, “do you want to approach the campfire?”

With the air of a wise old sage, Jim gazed towards the sky. “What campfire?” he asked.

“How are your eyes?” I ask him.

Jim again pulled out the Browning and twirled it around his finger. “Boys, I can still shoot the pecker off…”

“Alright!” Vic relented. “We’ll go towards the campfire! But be on high alert!”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Anaideia 26

As I laid in the piss reeked bed next to Vic, I watched a cockroach crawl up the wall and towards the mildewed ceiling. I couldn’t sleep. So I drew down the shades as the morning glow peered through the window then I picked up the sticky remote to turn on the old Zenith television set. I sat in a large musty recliner as I perused the porno channels and considered rubbing one out before Jim and Dale returned with supplies. I nearly pulled my dick out when Vic suddenly awoke and grabbed his Colt from the nightstand. He leapt up from the bed and fired one round into the ceiling.

“Aye mate!” he exclaimed. “What is this cursed place?!”

“Chill out Vic!” I said. “We got you stitched up and now we’re just hangin in a seedy hotel room. Jesus fucking Christ! Watch it with that gun!”

Vic looked around the room slightly befuddled. Out of his slumber, he looked deranged with his swollen face covered in gauze and blood crusted scratches. His one good left eye scanned the room and then looked at me. “Penelope,” he said. “We must find her.”

“Yeah you said that already. Are you sure you’re in any condition to go hunting around in the desert?”

He lifted his Colt Python in front of his face and gazed upon it. Penelope must have knocked something loose in his brain. Something wasn’t right and it was probably due to an untreated concussion and lack of good medical attention. “All I see is red, mate,” he said.

“Yeah, your face is covered in blood. You should probably shower.”

“Nae,” he continued. “I will have my vengeance. Gone from my heart is benevolence. I come not to bring love but to bring a sword and Penelope will surely curse the day we crossed. An eye for an eye, thus sayeth the Lord. Only when her eye is taken will me sight be restored and she will know the hate that burns brighter than all the stars in the night sky which harbors in my heart.”

“Vic, I hate to be the bearer of bad news,” I said. “Your sight ain’t getting restored. You’ll be half blind for the rest of your life.”

He fired another round into the ceiling. “Don’t misunderstand me mate,” he said. “I will have my blood.”

Jim and Dale bust through the door with weapons drawn. The flimsy piece of wood that counted as a door came completely off its hinges. “Christ! What was that?!” screamed Dale.

“Relax,” I assured them. “Vic’s just having a manic episode.”

“Okay good,” Dale said and re-holstered his weapon. He crossed the threshold into the hotel room and laid all the goods he carried in on the bed which consisted of several rounds of ammunition, beef jerky, and a bottle of Bacardi. He twisted open the rum bottle and poured a glass.

“How much did this cost?” I ask.

“Cost?” said Dale. “We didn’t pay for this shit. We shoplifted fair and square.”

“Fair enough,” I said. Then I turned to Vic. “When do you want to head out?”

Vic looked up to the ceiling where two bullet holes stared back at him. “We leave at night,” he said. “That’s when she stalks her prey.”

“You heard that everyone?” I ask the group. “It’s 10 o’clock in the morning. Nightfall is around 6:30. Get showered and get rested and liquored up. We leave at sundown.”

Jim nodded and Dale downed the rum whole.

“Good,” said Dale. “That gives me plenty of time to skim through the porno channels.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Anaideia 25

I threw Vic over my shoulder and carried his beaten and battered body back to the dirt road. Dale and Jim tried to keep up. I struggled to stay on my feet with Vic whimpering and only adrenaline kept me going. The small piece of civilization on the desert plain was only a couple miles ahead and when we reached it on swollen feet we discovered it was a one horse town. Down its main street, I went from store front to store front in a desperate search for medical attention. There was a small tin building off to the side that read the name “Dr. Lyle Lester” and I busted in through the front door.

“Help! My friend is dying!” I shout.

The lone doctor stood up from behind the reception desk and shrugged. “But I’m just a simple chiropractor,” he said.

“Goddamnit! You’re a doctor! Do something!”

“But I don’t have the medical training to help a wounded man!”

I laid Vic down on the stained corduroy couch and pulled out my Uzi. “You can do something and you WILL do something!” I said.

The doctor complied.

Dale and Jim caught up to me and we carried Vic into an operating room and laid him on the table. “All I have is this gauze to stop the bleeding,” the doctor said.

“Good enough,” I said. “What about some painkillers?”

The doctor stated to stammer. “Uh, all I got is some methadone,” he said.

“Do chiropractors usually carry methadone?” asked Dale.

The doctor said nothing.

Vic was pumped full of the medicine and his head was stitched up with the bleeding stopped. Within minutes he appeared to be in a daze. The doctor cleaned up his hands and gave us advice. “You need to take him to a hospital,” he said, “like, right now.”

I nodded and started to lift Vic’s body. But he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me close. “Don’t take me to the hospital,” he ordered.

“Vic, it’s alright…”

“No,” he interrupted, “I’m going after Penelope. Tonight!”

“Don’t be ridiculous!” I said. “We got out of there alive! No need to test fate!”

Then he pulled me closer. “If you take me to the hospital, I will KILL YOU!” he uttered. He gurgled a few more unintelligible words then passed out.

“Get him the fuck out of my office,” the doctor ordered.

“But doc,” I pleaded, “we’ve got nowhere to go…”

“Shut up and get out.”

Dale and I carried a limp Vic to a nearby no-tell motel and the receptionist looked at us sideways. “We don’t get too many of your kind,” he said.

“Just give us a goddamn room,” I said.

“Alright, that’ll be $39.99 an hour.”

“What?! I can find rent cheaper than that in Los Angeles!” I argued.

Dale took me aside and calmed me. “Relax,” he said, “let me handle this.” From under his trench coat, he pulled out the AK-47 and pointed it at the receptionist. “Will it be 39 bucks or 39 bullets bucko?” he asked.

The receptionist soiled himself and handed us a key. “Check out is at 11am,” he said.

I grabbed the key then picked up Vic by his feet while Dale took his arms and we dragged his body to the suite door. I unlocked it and inside reeked of bleach like old and crusted semen. “I feel right at home,” Dale said as he plopped down on the bed. I laid Vic next to him.

“I’ll stay here with Vic,” I said. “I know I’ve asked a lot of you Dale, but I need you to do one more thing. Find a way to get back to Los Angeles and take Old Jim with you. See if he has any family and…”

“I ain’t goin nowheres,” Old Jim declared.

“Jim, be reasonable…,” I said.

“If you’re gonna go huntin for Penelope, I’m goin with ya.”

“But it’s too dangerous…”

“I can handle my own out there. I know what I’m doin. I may be old but I can still shoot the pecker off a bull…”

“Alright, alright…,” I interrupted. “But we’re gonna need some supplies before we head back out there. Dale, what are you gonna do?”

Dale laid on the bed with arms folded behind his head. He contemplated for a moment before lifting his leg to release a massive ass fart. “Well, I reckon I don’t have much else to do since my wife left me and I got laid off at the toilet factory. I suppose I’ll go back out there with y’all.”

I shook my head and rubbed my face. “I guess that settles it then,” I said.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Anaideia 24

I was the first to rush out of the van and I sprinted 80 or so yards past the dirt road and took position. Next up was Dale and he posted up slightly behind me to the right on the other side of the road. Vic soon followed and escorted Jim as quickly as possible to the far right flank.

“I’ll take point,” offered Old Jim.

“Don’t be stupid! I’m an experienced hunter! I’ll take point!” said Vic.

“I’m an old man,” said Jim. “I know Penelope better than anyone.”

With little time to argue, Vic reluctantly agreed and took his position on the far right. Jim proceeded to the front in the middle of the dirt road and we pushed forward. In actuality, we were all on point. Our diamond or rugged ‘S’ shaped formation was designed specifically so that if one of us was jeopardized then each position would have an open shot without having to adjust. This was our “net” to catch and kill Penelope.

At least that was the theory.

As we slowly pushed through the darkness and towards the pass, Dale shouted from the rear. “Hey Jim! How big of a bitch is Penelope?!” he asked.

Jim casually strolled forward and nonchalantly answered. “Oh, about seven to nine feet,” he said.

“That doesn’t sound too bad,” Dale responded. “I once banged a seven foot whore in Tajikistan. She had a big ol pair…”

“Keep your voice down Dale!” I ordered.

Vic shouted from the right flank “It doesn’t matter,” he said. “She knows we’re out here. She’s probably watching our every move.”

Despite this reasoning, we pushed forward silently. A few miles down the road we reached the pass. This was the pinch point. Our formation had little choice but to grow in tighter as the walls of a former river nearly engulfed us. It was as dark as dark could be. Not having laid eyes on the pass in daylight, I called out to Vic. “How high are the walls?” I shout.

“About 30 to 40 feet,” he said.

“Jim, how are your eyes?” I say.

“Good enough to see a gnats pecker,” he said.

“Keep your eyes open to the front,” I order. “Dale, you cover the rear. Vic and I will watch the top of the walls.”

In total darkness, all we could look out for was silhouettes against a night sky. As we penetrated deeper into the pass, it appeared our strategy was working. Despite the immense distance between the former Candyland tavern and the other side of the pass, the hours merely felt like minutes in a way that only the fear of death could provide. Sunup was nearing. The night skies were blueing and the opening of the pass was in sight.

“We made it!” Dale cheerfully declared.

This was the first time I had been on this side of the mountain range in over two months. The dirt road leading into the pass reappeared and gently sloped down into a small town in the faraway distance. We collectively breathed a sigh of relief as the morning sun illuminated the desert horizon.

“Unbelievable!” Vic shouted.

“I’ll be goddamned,” chimed in Dale. “Maybe there’s a god after all.”

Old Jim continued to lead the way forward to a small creek flowing down the slope. With the end in sight, the mood of the group shifted and we laid down our weapons. Vic knelt beside the creek to refill his canteen. When he topped it off, he stood up and did a panoramic view of his surroundings. “We should keep moving,” he said as he took a swig.

“I agree,” Dale said as he pissed a heavy stream into the creek.

“Don’t piss for too long,” Old Jim spoke. “Penelope might grab your pecker.”

“Nonsense,” said Vic. “Penelope is very territorial. She keeps a limited range. We almost certainly escaped her clutches. Besides she’s mostly nocturnal.” He then lifted his cattleman to wipe sweat from his brow. But without warning, a cool wind swept across the creek and a grayish blur latched itself onto Vic. The large creature pulled him to the ground and the two tussled with Penelope quickly gaining the upper hand. Painful grunting and piercing screeches filled the air as the rest of us scrambled to react. I emptied an entire Uzi clip into the ground as I struggled to gain aim and Dale pissed on himself then fell into the water. Only Jim maintained composure as he fired the Browning skillfully into Penelope’s hardened skin. But Vic seemingly fought futility as he was dwarfed by the enormous creature. Finally, blinded by a bloodied face, Vic resorted to his only proven method of defense against Penelope as he reached for his Bowie knife and plowed it into her neck and causing copious amount of yellowish blood to splatter on the ground. She loudly screeched before Dale climbed out of the water and fired his AK-47 indiscriminately into her direction. Penelope scampered away towards a nearby ridge as bullets flew.

“Welcome to earth WHORE!” Dale shouted thinking he saved the day.

But Vic was writhing on the ground and with Penelope well out of sight, I rush to his side. “Vic! Vic! Are you okay?” I screamed. I finally gained control of him and while he screamed in agony I noticed his right eyeball was pulled cleanly from its socket.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Anaideia 23

Dale’s ass tormented us in the minutes after Karl’s fatal abduction. The van already reeked of sardine cans and discarded piss cups and his unceasing flatulence only compounded the issue. I couldn’t think straight. An unholy demon was stalking us and my judgement was clouded by the stench of funk ass.

“Dale have you ever considered getting on simethicone?” I ask.

“Poppycock,” he retorted. “God gave me this ass! And by golly! I plan to use it!”

But on more serious matters, in the front seat Vic and I concocted a plan of escape. It was once again a moonless sky and we were shrouded in deep and total darkness. “Are you certain that it’s Penelope you saw out there?” he asked me.

“Absolutely! It’s hard to mistake a bigass naked woman.”

“Christ,” Vic uttered the slammed the edge of his Bowie knife into the floorboard.

“What? You don’t believe me?” I ask.

“Oh I believe you mate,” he said. “I’ve seen her before. I thought I’d never see her again.”

“You’ve seen her before?”

“Aye. I was bear huntin’ near San Gabriel when I saw her standing on a ridge naked as the day she was born. I thought me eyes were deceiving me, mate. I was meters away but her eyes haunted me. They glowed like the fires of Antares and I knew she was fixin to kill me. I raised me rifle but like a flash she appeared in front of me and knocked me to the ground and tore into me flesh like a rabid wolf. Me mind knew I was as good as dead but my body didn’t give in. My arm lurched forward and grabbed her by the neck n’ with me knife in the other hand I stabbed her in the eye and she shrieked a noise I could never forget. She crawled away and ran off into the brush. And like that she was gone like a phantom in broad daylight. Gone as quickly as she appeared. I knew that I was the only man who lived to tell the tale. I swore from that day forth that I if I saw her again that I would kill her.”

“Vic, for all we know that could have been a different Penelope altogether. That was in California. This is Utah.”

“Nae mate,” he said. “Some things in this world cannot be explained. I’m the only man who ever ripped away certain death from her clutches. I know she’s coming for me.”

“I think we’re losing the thread here,” I said. “Our primary focus should be getting out of this basin alive. After that you can return and strangle Penelope til you’re blue in the face. But until then we need to make it through the pass.”

“Aye,” agreed Vic, “each man will need to carry a weapon.”

“What about Old Jim?”

I turn to Jim in the backseat who was still cool as a cucumber as he quietly hummed A Mighty Fortress is our God. I turn back to Vic. “Do you think we should leave Jim here and retrieve him in daylight hours after we make it into town?”

“Nae mate,” he said. “He’ll never survive the night.”

“Young pup,” Jim said in a rare moment of lucidity, “I may be an old man and shit my pants every night but I can still shoot the dick off a gnat. If you’re going up against Penelope, you’ll need every help you can get.”

“That’s settles it then,” I nodded. I shout to Dale in the back who was occupying himself with Pokémon on Gameboy. “Dale, have you ever shot a gun before?”

Dale looked up and thought. “No,” he said. “I’ve held one to my temple a few times but I never fired it.”

“Well, there’s a first time for everything,” I said.

Vic pulled a black duffel bag from under the passenger seat and unzipped it. Inside was Stewart Rhodes’ wet dream: mortar rounds, grenades, an AK, a few Uzis, and everything to fight off a small army.

“How do you find this shit, Vic?” I ask.

“One can never be too prepared,” he said.

We distributed the weapons around to the four of us. “Remember,” I warned Dale when handing him the AK-47, “make sure it’s pointed away from you before firing.” I naturally took an Uzi and gave the Jim the Browning. Then we set out a game plan: we’d stagger out of the van and fan out a few meters away from the other to form a ‘net’. There was no guarantee of survival for everyone. But if Penelope snatched one of us up, she’d be caught in the line of fire.

Before opening the sliding door, I had one more line of encouragement. “Remember, she’s quick as lightening so keep your eyes sharp,” I said. “Also, thank you all for rescuing me. I didn’t think I had so many friend in the world.”

I looked into the eyes of the three: Vic was determined and ready; Old Jim was at peace with the situation; Dale couldn’t have given less of a shit.

I put my hand on the lever and pulled. “Good hunting gentlemen,” I said.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Anaideia 22

Everything that was the Candyland Saloon, everything that Randy had worked for, was a pile of ash on a dry lake basin. Only Karl could muster a tear for the wretched place. He sat dumbfounded on his ass and glared at his bleeding and festering leg wound. “Just leave me here to die,” he told me.

“That’s too good of an ending for you Karl,” I said.

Vic admired the stars in the sky and then looked towards the mountain pass. “We need to get moving,” he said. “The town is 10 miles away.”

Dale removed the sucker from his mouth and signaled to his brown 95 Chevy Astro. “Van’s ready,” he said. “Sorry if it’s a mess in there. Been living in it since I burned my trailer down. I only got a quarter of a tank but it should get us there.”

I kick Karl on his leg and he groans. “Get up,” I ordered.

“I can’t,” he cried. “You done shot my leg!”

“Get up goddamn you!”

Vic pulls me by the arm. “Maybe we should leave him out here,” he suggested.

“Fuck him!” I shouted. “That’s exactly what he wants!”

“Oy, mate,” Vic said trying to calm me. “If you want to seek vengeance, you should go after Randy.”

I took a couple of deep breaths and nodded. “Perhaps you’re right,” I said then looked at Karl. “Perhaps bleeding out alone in the desert is a fitting end for you.”

I turn around and approach Old Jim who in his demented oblivion stood motionless gazing at the desert floor. “Well Jim,” I said, “are you ready to return to the civilized world?”

The breeze swayed his snow white beard as he gazed up to the sky. “The old folks used to say that god created the heaven and the earth in seven days,” he spoke. “But the deceiver dwells in the lake of fire with mouth agape waiting for the fall. I spent half my life in this dead lake. The Bible says that man shall not lay with man and that all homosexuals…”

“Okay, let’s get you to the van,” I interrupted.

I take his arm and slowly escort Jim to the beatup Astro. I roll open the sliding door and lift the old man into a passenger seat. The inside was littered with porno mags and tissue paper and I warn Old Jim to use hand sanitizer after touching anything. After I get him buckled I looked down to see two flat tires on the passenger side. I walk to the driver’s side and noticed the same.

“Fuck,” I said aloud.

“What?” shrugged Dale.

“How did you not notice they slashed your tires Dale?” I asked.

“What’s the big deal?”

“We’re in the middle of the goddamn desert! We kinda need tires to get out of this hellhole!”

“Sorry! I was inside the van all day catching up on some reading! I didn’t have time to notice…”

But before I could strangle Dale, Vic intervened. “Look, it’s nightfall,” he said. “I have enough supplies on me to get us to town. Of course we can’t travel fast because we got the old man but at least we’re not under the blistering hot sun.”

“You don’t understand,” I said. “We’re not going anywhere.”

“Why not?”

“There’s something out there guarding that pass. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“Try me mate,” Vic said.

I stammer around a bit trying to find the right words. “There’s a demon,” I said. “A castoff from hell.”

“A demon?”

“Her name is Penelope.”

Vic swallowed hard. “Penelope?”

“Yes.”

I march over to Karl, grabbed him by the lapels, and lifted him to his feet. “Is there another way out of this basin?” I interrogated.

Karl spat and laughed. “Looks like we’re all hell bound,” he cackled.

I drop him to his ass and throw off my hat. “We have little choice but to post up here,” I said to Vic. “We’ll set up a perimeter and stand guard in shifts throughout the night.”

Vic shook his head. “Mate, in the daylight heat, there’s no way we’ll make it through the pass.”

In a fit of rage, I kicked the dirt and pound my fist on Dale’s Astro. “Hey!” he yelled.

Vic calmly took me by the arm and lowered his voice. “Are you serious about Penelope?” he asks. But before I could respond, a galloping torrent rushed through the basin. A swoosh sound was heard a meter away and the gurgling screams of Karl echoed into the night.

“Into the van!” I ordered. And we all piled into Dale’s cum-stained Astro. Inside, I frantically go from window to window looking for any signs of Penelope. “Did anyone see anything?!” I said.

“I didn’t see shit!” said Dale.

But Old Jim sat contemplatively in his passenger seat as cool as the night air and chewed on his half bent pipe. “The Devil is in the details,” he ominously spoke.

TO BE CONTINUED…