Category: Uncategorized

Maybe we should stop doing this

I’m reasonably convinced that Tom Brady is the antichrist. Is it because he’s rich, handsome, and won seven Super Bowls? No. It’s because he cloned his dog that died two years ago.

“That’s just typical rich people shit,” you might say.

And you’re right! But if you know Tom Brady like I know Tom Brady, then you’d also know that it won’t end there. This is only the beginning. Today, it’s dogs. Tomorrow, it’s Tom Brady himself. What started off as a stupid throwaway joke from a forgotten Paul Rudd show will escalate into full on defiance of god himself. This is the end times. The dawning of the foretold apocalypse. The imagination of Peter Thiel run amok. When Tom Brady crosses the threshold of immortality via Colossal Bioscience, humanity’s days are numbered.

Death, grief, and appreciating life’s finitude is the cornerstone of the human condition. When those chains are cast off, what do we become? The universe is cold and unforgiving. But in the amoral vacuum of space and time is a small shred of transcendent substance called consciousness. It is here for a brief shining moment and is suddenly gone like a flicker in the night. Knowing this flame will someday burn out gives meaning to our lives.

But for a man with seven titles and recognized the world over as the greatest athlete of all time, one life isn’t enough. He will reincarnate himself again and again, living the same charmed life as before and breaking new records as his reenergized body enters the draft to continue his reign of terror on the NFL.

And all for what? Because he was taken in the sixth round?

We’re playing god. And when you’re playing god, prepare to tango with the Devil

The next generation

When I was a kid, everyone was dying of polio and World War I. No one wanted to go back to those days. But kids today won’t shut the fuck up about Blockbuster video, lead poisoning from water hoses, and masturbating to scrambled porn. They don’t have the courage to admit their childhood sucked. They lack imagination. They ceased hope for a better future.

That’s my fault. That’s my children’s fault. That’s my children’s children’s fault. That’s my children’s children’s children’s fault (I’m 113 years old, see). We failed. We failed to realize that every generation’s greatest responsibility is to build up the next generation. We failed to appreciate the current moment for what it was and to recognize that time only moves forward. We failed to overcome petty biases like generational rivalries. And it will take many more generations to unfuck itself. It’s one big systemic failure.

But there is one thing that unites all surviving generations. We are all perfectly content to lay blame at the feet of boomers.

Tricky dick

Yo! Shout out to Dick Cheney for dying. In addition to being the architect of the modern US surveillance state, he was instrumental in killing hundreds of thousands (if not millions) of people across the Middle East, all while enriching himself. He really is the Darth Vader of American history, which is quite impressive considering the numerous villains that this nation has produced.

But what I find impressive in this exact moment is that the internet appears to have gained a memory. They haven’t forgotten the numerous crimes that the late Vice President committed. Remember when he shot a guy in the face? I did! But the internet, thankfully, did not. And there seems to be something fitting about Cheney dying in a moment like this. The Iraq War, after fading from the public mind for over 15 years, seems to have reentered the zeitgeist. This is probably due to the current administration threatening military action against Venezuela. The hypocrisy and tragedy of US foreign policy is back on the menu. Time truly is a flat circle.

But onto bigger news: Vanitas is nearly complete. Which means that we have reached an end of an era. The “James” epoch of this blog is over. I’ve toyed with resurrecting Detective James and considered a sequel to A Shot at the Title. But those ideas have been shelved and, most likely, will be buried in a desert where no one will hear or think of them again. Unlike the Iraq War and the crimes of Dick Cheney, the internet WILL forget.

Vanitas will be available for purchase on November 21st.

don’t go suckin my cock

First off, shout out to whoever is reading this blog. Views have EXPLODED for some inexplicable reason, which leads me to assume one of three things:

  1. I have a stalker on the loose
  2. I’ve attracted the bots
  3. The world is finally recognizing my genius

Obviously option three is the most sensible explanation. I feel honored and vindicated. It’s nice to know that I haven’t wasted hours of my life and millions of words on what has amounted to nothing more than a vanity project. I should be thanking the readers. But instead I’m gonna thank myself for all the blood, sweat, tears and occasionally jizz I’ve poured into this blog. I really am a once in a generation talent.

To all the aspiring writers out there, I would say keep your head up and work hard. But the truth is that artistic genius is the secret ingredient. You either have it or you don’t. And it’s highly likely that you don’t. So instead of pursuing your dreams, I say that you should give up on them. Find something you’re good at. Get a 9 to 5. Marry that girl who dumped you your junior year and spent several months in county and is now on the mend. Have her pop out a fifth child (first for you). Grow your alcohol dependency and live a shallow life until you die of heart failure at age 62. There’s nothing wrong with mediocrity. I mean, that life sounds pathetic to me but it might be right for you.

But thank you to all for the views 🙏 you all are the real ones

2025 NFL uniform ranking (part I. The worst ones)

It’s crunch time.

With a book coming out, it feels like being down three points in the fourth quarter and cramming for the finals all in one. Stress has reached a boiling point. So with a lot on my plate, I need to write about something cheap and easy. And you know me. I always have an opinion about football uniforms.

It’s been a couple years since I’ve done this. So here’s my ranking for all the 2025 NFL uniforms. Unfortunately my beef with Roger Goodell is ongoing so I won’t be able to post pictures. But that’s what the internet is for folks 🤷‍♂️

32. Seattle Seahawks

I think we can all agree that this uniform has overstayed its welcome. Actually it was never welcomed to begin with. It’s just unfortunate that this was the uniform worn during the franchise’s most successful run. But with the Legion of Boom/Russell Wilson/Pete Carroll era over, it’s time to restore the throwbacks to their proper place.

31. Philadelphia Eagles

For the life of me, I will never understand the love of midnight green. It’s boring as shit. And the shading behind the numbers makes the whole thing look dated. This uniform is stuck in the late 90s/early 2000s when everyone was depressed because of 9/11. It’s been nearly a quarter of a century, Philly. Bring back the Kelly green!

30. New England Patriots

Post Tom Brady, the Patriots have made improvements. I’ll admit, they have some good alternatives. But it’s still not enough. The biggest problem is the helmet, specifically the logo on the helmet. The internet has been quite vocal lately about the superiority of Pat Patriot over the current logo and I’m inclined to agree with them. But to improve the helmet, I have a much simpler idea: ditch the grey and make it white.

29. Tennessee Titans

It’s 2025. Every year there’s at least one team that everyone agrees to collectively shit on. This year it’s the Titans. Not only are they a poorly ran organization, their uniforms kinda suck too. Complexity is out. Simplicity is in. And the Titans uniform is a bit too complex for my tastes. Simply ditch the sword theme and get rid of the grey altogether. And as much as I love the old Houston Oilers uniforms, it’s time to retire those. Those belong to the city of Houston. If they wanted to keep those then the Adams family should have never of changed the name to “Titans”. Does the name “Oiler” make any sense for Tennessee? No. But who gives a shit? So actually my advice to improve the uniform is to change the name back to “Oilers”. That might solve a lot of Tennessee’s problems.

Vertical limit

“A man’s got to know his limitations,” Clint Eastwood famously said in Magnum Force.

I don’t know who wrote that line. But I like to think it was Michael Cimino, a man who would eventually fly too close to the sun and crash and burn an entire movie studio (The line was probably written by John Milius though). But in my mind, the greatest testament to man’s hubris is mountaineering the Himalayas. Some things just go against the laws of god and mankind was never supposed to exist above 26,000 feet. Not even goddamn airplanes.

They say mountaineering is a sport. But it’s a rich man’s sport. Conquering things that are actively trying to kill you is no normal hobby. It’s absurd when you think about it; ancient rocks that have stood for millions of years and have become cultural icons and sites of holy pilgrimage get defaced and carved up for a thrill. Trash and dead bodies litter their summits. And all for what? So you can say you’ve been to the top?

What’s been done to Mt. Everest is a travesty. In time, I’m sure K2, Annapurna, Kangchenjunga, and others will face a similar fate. If you want to risk life and limb to get high, I have great news for you: there’s crack cocaine. It’s much cheaper and much safer. But more importantly, you’re not trashing one of nature’s wonders.

In the struggle of man versus nature, nature is at an unfair advantage. So show some goddamn respect. A man has got to know his limitations.

da bears

Jay Cutler is a man I think about almost daily. Never met him. But I’m sure he’s an asshole. I personally would never have sex with Tomi Lahren but I can appreciate that level of self-loathing. But Cutler’s lasting legacy is not throwing tight spirals or failing to live up to his potential; it’s becoming the avatar for general misanthropy. I’ve always wondered how someone like him occupies their time in retirement (other than wracking up numerous DUIs of course). Cutler is definitely a guy who wears cargo shorts and flip flops year around. I imagine he also drives a jacked up white Ford F350 with tinted windows and LED lights. He also goes to the local rivers and lakes to fish. Not because he enjoys it. But because it gives him plenty of time to sit under the sun and hold his nickel plated 9mm and ask himself “is today the day?”.

Salute

Welcome to my cock

Here’s the deal. I don’t think the 1996 Michael Bay classic The Rock is a James Bond movie. It’s well established that all the James Bonds, from Sean Connery to Pierce Brosnan, are the same character. But something about this theory appeals to me. Connery’s portrayal of 007 felt distant. Impenetrable. It’s interesting to consider his segment of the franchise as something different from the whole. But if the Rock is, in fact, a James Bond movie, we get to see another angle of the 007 universe, chiefly the political fallout. Until Craig, Bond didn’t give two shits about the real world consequences of his clandestine activities. But under Connery, he stopped WWIII and nuclear war several times. Wouldn’t you think that might have caused a stir in Washington, Moscow, and other centers of world politics? So The Rock, if one wishes to include it in their head cannon, greatly expands the mythology of the Connery Bond tenure.

But what’s also cool about the video above is that this guy goes into some minute detail. Like, he REALLY maps out a timeline. I mean, people call me a dork. But GODDAMN. But the best part of his reconstruction is that the only reason why Bond ended up in Alcatraz is due to the ending of Dr. No when he disconnects his boat from the US Marines to shag Honey Rider. Apparently that was a bad decision which led to an erroneous capture, followed by a tenure in federal prison. Honestly, that was the most realistic part of his explanation.