What are you doing with your life?

Are you a sad sack of shit?

Do you take dick pills because your dick don’t work?

Do you ever consider waving a gun at the police because “life just ain’t worth living no more”?

Well I have good news for you! Vanitas is now available on Amazon!

“But I don’t want to clutter my home with useless shit!” you bitch and moan. Well guess what! You can also purchase it on Kindle!

“Do you have it in audiobook form?”

Fuck no! What’s your deal? Do you not know how to read?! Get to Amazon.com and give Jeff Bezos $9.99 for a shitty copy of Vanitas today!

(And I mean TODAY you cheap son of a bitch!)

I’m so embarrassed 🙈

So I was minding my business at Home Depot when an employee harassed me by the power tools. He came up to me slightly perturbed with an abundance of rage radiating from his eyes. He came to me and said “do you need help sir?”

I nodded and told him, “Yes. I’ve been standing here for 8 hours waiting for someone to help me! Can you tell me the difference between the Ryobi 18V impact drill and the DeWalt 20v orbital sander?!”

“Of course sir. One’s an impact drill and the other is a sander.”

“Uh huh. And which one would you recommend to clean out a p-trap?”

“I recommend you go to the plumbing department for that.”

Finally I had enough of his shit. “Don’t get snappy with me young man!” I told him. “I’m just looking to find tulips to plant in my garden! Don’t be a fuckin asshole! What’s happened to this country!? Used to be a man could come to Home Depot and get his salad tossed in the paint department! Now he can’t even get tugged off in the garden department! Your generation has fucked everything up!”

“But I’m 78 years old sir.”

“Oh yeah?” I said sarcastically. “Well if you’re so smart, can you tell me where to find spark plugs?!”

“For your lawn mower?”

“No! For my 85 Dodge Daytona!”

The employee nodded and gently placed his had on my shoulder. “I think you’re looking for an AutoZone sir,” he said.

Boy did I have egg on my face! 😅

For the record

Sometimes I check my stats and see a post I completely forgot about. Then I read the post and ask myself how many percocets I took before I wrote that. I’m referring to this post specifically.

I ain’t gonna explain it because I’m not gonna read all that shit. So I’ll just say that I disagree with everything I wrote. It’s nonsensical. Plus, I’m a changed man now. I’m off the barbiturates and I’m thinking much more clearly nowadays. So please disregard everything that I wrote from 1947 to 2023. It was a wild time in my life. Plus I was trying to fly under the radar of the CIA and the House Committee of Un-American Activities.

Thought I’d clear the air

thanks

Thanksgiving?

More like TAINTsgiving, amirite? 😏

Anyways, hope all of my readers in AMERICA (the only country that matters) had a wonderful thanksgiving weekend. May god have mercy on your toilets and diabetes and may the spirits of genocided indigenous people grant us peace before white people receive their final reckoning for their crimes against humanity for our days are numbered and the revenant of Crazy Horse and Monctezuma will strike us dead. So I hope you got your fill of pumpkin pie and stuffed turkey, for when the day of judgement comes, god will have no mercy.

As for me, I’m thankful for all my friends and readers.

Onto Christmas!

2025 NFL uniform ranking (part II: meh)

To be honest, there’s not too many uniforms I hate. In fact, this is probably the strongest year for uniforms since I’ve started following the National Football League back in 1923. That’s why it’s taken so long to write a follow up. None of these are bad! It’s just a small tweak here or there that I would change, but otherwise the NFL is having a banner year for uniforms. (Don’t forget, Roger Goodell will sue the SHIT out of me if repost any pictures here. So if you’re curious, just use Google 🙏 sry)

28. New York Giants

Before North Jersey dispatches the mafia to bust my knee caps, I should say that this is a good uniform. Honestly, I like it. In my mind, it’s one of the classic uniforms. It’s along the lines of the Dallas Cowboys, Pittsburgh Steelers, Green Bay Packers, etc. The problem is that it’s the weakest in that category. Ditching the grey pants of the Eli Manning era was a good move. While the white pants they’ve been wearing for nearly a decade has been a slight improvement, I think it’s time to make a switch to all blue/all white for home and away.

27. Buffalo Bills

The Bills are similar to the New York Giants uniform wise, but they do a much better job at managing the colors. However, this might be my most controversial opinion: I don’t like their logo. Never have. It’s one of the few logos that needs a modern redesign. Yet simultaneously, I think they should make the throwbacks — the red helmets of the Jim Kelly era — their full time uniform.

26. Atlanta Falcons

Someone, and I don’t know who, needs to stop overthinking this goddamn uniform. The answer is painfully obvious to both fans and haters alike: the Atlanta Falcons uniform is a red helmet, black jersey, and white pants. So, you hear me Arthur Blank? Stop fuckin with perfection!

25. Carolina Panthers

Panthers have a rare opportunity to go from the near bottom of this list to the absolute top. And we all know what the solution is. It’s no secret. Ditch the grey helmet and make the black one full time. That’s the obvious solution. But I have a better one: how about a blue helmet with an all black uniform for home games? Just sayin

Now available in paperback

Stop fartin’ around. Get out of your elderly uncle’s basement. Change your underwear. Take a shower. Wash your cock. Then hawk some of your uncle’s medications to help pay $9.99 for your paperback copy of Vanitas on Amazon.com

I bribed the Hartford Courant to call Vanitas a “solid work from a mentally incompetent author” while Dick Cheney said he’d “rather be in hell than finish this book” just before he died.

So what are you waiting for? It’s only $9.99! Don’t be a fuckin cheapskate!

Vanitas!

Now available on Amazon!

One rung above

Comedy is ass. And I don’t think I’m alone in saying that. The last great innovation in the medium, Cumtown, said it best: Donald Trump ruined it. It’s not because of his politics or his antiquated views on women and social issues. It’s because he treats the office of POTUS as one big standup routine. And the sad part is that it’s funnier and more daring and transgressive than almost all of comedy.

Comedians have struggled to keep up ever since.

But because the Trump era has created an unholy union between lowbrow entertainment and politics, certain performers, chief among them Joe Rogan, have mythologized comedians as modern day philosophers, or, to paraphrase Rogan himself, as the last line of defense for free speech. Hahaha! Isn’t that so funny? It’s getting high off your own supply. It’s aggrandizing your own self importance at the cost of comedy itself.

This explains why Stavros Halkias is having his moment in the sun. He’s offering a counter argument if you will; a return to tradition. His assertion is simple: comedy is good if it makes people laugh. Full stop. It’s not serious and the moment when you make it serious, it stops being funny. For Halkias, comedy is the lowest form of art. It doesn’t matter if that sentiment is valid though. What matters is that Stavvy doesn’t take himself seriously because seriousness is the polar opposite of comedy, which is his stock in trade.

It sounds pretty fuckin simple when you put it that way, eh?

But I suppose this gets at the heart of what it means to be a comedian. Who would subject themselves to being, as Stav said, one rung above a clown? Think about it. There is an ocean sized contradiction in the psyche of a comedian; to conceal their deep seated pain, they entice others to laugh at them. Or, in other words, the path towards standup comedy begins with a crippling superiority/inferiority complex. I’m sure even Rogan would agree with this. The best comedians can live with this gaping, unfilled hole in the hearts. They thrive on it. This is fuel for Nick Mullen and the legendary Cumtown podcast. Others give in to the anger and resentment and begin to smell their own farts. That’s the Rogansphere.

And others can successfully tread both worlds without fully reconciling them. Worse still, the gravitational pull of this calamitous spectacle can drag the entire universe into it. This is the mind of Donald Trump.

That one guy

Just to be clear, I don’t hate Joe Rogan because of his “politics” or because he’s an objectively shitty comedian. I hate Joe Rogan because he’s a bizarrely specific kind of guy. Any man who has ever had a friend has come across this type: the guy who floats on the edges of everyone’s friend group but is actually no one’s friend.

I know you know this kind of guy. Your girlfriend has probably referred to him as “that one guy”. You probably went to high school with him. You might’ve taken a couple of classes with him in college. But your conversations with him have never lasted longer than three minutes. He’s probably nodded a few times to something you said, and then uttered something along the lines of “yeah totally dude!”. Yet you never got the impression that he actually understood what you were saying. But that’s okay. While you get the distinct feeling that something’s off about him, he’s never done anything to warrant raising a red flag.

In the days before Internet forums, when this guy showed up to parties or walked into a bar, a few rolled their eyes and thought “there’s THAT guy”. But most shrugged and shared the same insipid conversations with him like everything was normal. Nowadays we know better. While we have no solid proof, we suspect that they have a prolific 4chan and a few faceless troll accounts on Instagram. But in the eyes of most, he’s simply a harmless and friendly piss ant.

And we go on assuming this innocuous perception until they show up fashionably, if not eyebrow raisingly, late to social gatherings. This is where they show their true colors. It’s almost always after midnight when they come sauntering in with their entourage of weirdos and outcasts. They drink your beer and smoke your weed and then embarrassingly try to fuck your girlfriend. Then they vanish, almost as mysteriously as they appeared. In the morning, your girlfriend informs you that he tried to spike her drink and that your wallet is missing. So you confront this guy. Usually he’s loitering around JC Penney or Shoe Carnival and you ask him “did you try to drug my girlfriend and steal my wallet?”. And he will lie to you, quite successfully. You don’t beat his ass because he’s too wormy. In fact, you will continue this vapid “friendship” because the man knows how to maintain a harmless and friendly facade. But deep down you know that he’s an empty vessel who ceaselessly moves from one hollow interaction to the next in a desperate effort to conceal his profound sense of inferiority.

That’s THAT guy.

That’s Joe Rogan.

What’s done is done

Vanitas is now available on Kindle for $4.20. It will be available in paperback form on November 21st.

There’s been a lot of controversy about self publishing on Amazon. But Capitalism can’t be stopped folks. Jeff Bezos owns everything; from my entire bibliography to the underwear around my waist. Like you, I’m a slave to The Man. But unlike you, I stand in solidarity with James Bond himself as a fellow peon to the Amazon.com. So in many ways, by self publishing with Amazon KDP, I’m actually fighting AGAINST the oligarchy by providing my services at basement prices. I’m the good guy here.

All 164 pages of Vanitas will be available in paperback form at the low price of $79.99.

Maybe we should stop doing this

I’m reasonably convinced that Tom Brady is the antichrist. Is it because he’s rich, handsome, and won seven Super Bowls? No. It’s because he cloned his dog that died two years ago.

“That’s just typical rich people shit,” you might say.

And you’re right! But if you know Tom Brady like I know Tom Brady, then you’d also know that it won’t end there. This is only the beginning. Today, it’s dogs. Tomorrow, it’s Tom Brady himself. What started off as a stupid throwaway joke from a forgotten Paul Rudd show will escalate into full on defiance of god himself. This is the end times. The dawning of the foretold apocalypse. The imagination of Peter Thiel run amok. When Tom Brady crosses the threshold of immortality via Colossal Bioscience, humanity’s days are numbered.

Death, grief, and appreciating life’s finitude is the cornerstone of the human condition. When those chains are cast off, what do we become? The universe is cold and unforgiving. But in the amoral vacuum of space and time is a small shred of transcendent substance called consciousness. It is here for a brief shining moment and is suddenly gone like a flicker in the night. Knowing this flame will someday burn out gives meaning to our lives.

But for a man with seven titles and recognized the world over as the greatest athlete of all time, one life isn’t enough. He will reincarnate himself again and again, living the same charmed life as before and breaking new records as his reenergized body enters the draft to continue his reign of terror on the NFL.

And all for what? Because he was taken in the sixth round?

We’re playing god. And when you’re playing god, prepare to tango with the Devil