The College Football Uniform Playoffs (Part IV – Conference USA)

Remember this?

Conference USA got raided in the most recent round of conference realignment. I don’t know who’s coming and going, so this ranking is based on the current list of teams.

11. Rice University Owls

The Owls have been one of the least consequential teams of the last decades and they have the uniform to show for it. If you’ve been following this playoff, you’d know that I fucking hate the combination of grey and navy blue. Also, the ‘R’ emblem is uninspiring. BUT, I guess they occasionally play with Owl-winged helmet, which is kinda dope.

10. Alabama-Birmingham Blazers

Top to bottom, Conference USA uniforms aren’t bad. This includes the UAB Blazers. Now their jerseys and pants are solid, but my complaint is with the helmet. Specifically the emblem ON the helmet. It’s ugly as sin. Moreover, it makes me want to barf. Dragons are cool (I guess that’s what it is), but goddamn, couldn’t they have come up with a better design?

9. UT-San Antonio Roadrunners

I’m fond of orange. And as we’ve learned with Boise State, orange and blue can work well together. But something about this comes up short. It’s probably the navy blue.

8. Florida International University Panthers

Despite using the hated navy blue, this uniform is actually well put together. Nothing inspiring, but nothing offensive either.

7. UNC-Charlotte 49ers.

I’ve seen a few different variations of this uniform and all except the solid gold ones are pretty good. While this doesn’t pop like I think a football uniform should, the standard solid green ones are pretty sharp.

6. Florida Atlantic Owls

Again with the navy blue. But they vary up their uniforms enough to not become stale. The solid reds with the Florida emblem are dope AF.

5. UT-El Paso Miners

And once again, the use of dark/navy blue drag this one down but they’re not afraid to accentuate the orange. I’ll keep pounding the table for football teams to go bold with orange.

4. UNT Mean Green

This is the only school that I can recall joining the American Conference sometime in the near future (maybe even this year) but it won’t end up mattering for our purposes. But I love the simplicity of this uniform. I love the name ‘Mean Green’. And I love the badass logo. It’s just unfortunate that there’s a few other schools that have slightly better uniforms.

3. MTSU Blue Raiders

This is also a simple uniform, but it’s extraordinarily effective. There’s a few variations on the helmet, all of which are also effective but the black one takes the cake.

2. Louisiana Tech Bulldogs

Of all the teams that utilize red, white, and blue, this one might be my favorite. And kudos to Louisiana Tech for incorporating the shape of the state into the logo. I love it when teams do this. While they might not have the best uniforms in the conference, Tech will probably sneak into the playoffs as a wild card.

1. Western Kentucky Hilltoppers

Not only has WKU been quietly one of the best programs in the nation, they also have one of the best uniforms. And I don’t care what their mascot ‘Big Red’ is, I fucking love the guy. And I’m not just saying this because this is my wife’s alma mater, I love everything about this outfit…especially when they use that silver helmet.

WKU will advance to the playoffs.

Etienne Trocme’s ‘The Formation of the Gospel According to Mark’

“Aren’t you an atheist?”

“Don’t you have anything better to do?”

“Have you considered professional counseling?”

These are just some of the questions I receive when others learn of my obsession with the Gospel According to Mark. Indeed, it’s hard to this passion of mine into words. In short, it’s one of the great mysteries of history. We don’t know who wrote it. And while we have some pretty safe assumptions about why it was written, even that is debated. Hell, we can’t even agree what genre Mark is.

Moreover, there’s an aspect to it that I almost find comical. While Mark clearly has some artistic intentions behind it, it is not particularly well written. Additionally, due to the politics of its era, there is likely a polemical aspect to it that has been largely lost on modern audiences. So I find it funny that one of the most important texts in ancient history was written by some moderately educated dude trying to piss off his opponents over petty theological differences. Because in doing so, the author basically invented the story of Jesus which is the most important story in Western civilization.

While I think the Gospel has kernels of historical truth regarding Jesus the man, it’s almost impossible to tell which one of them are facts which further confounds modern scholars. But honestly, I find the Gospel of Mark to be far more interesting than the historical Jesus due to its impact. So Jesus was an apocalyptic preacher who was nailed to the cross by the Romans. Big whoop. But, according to “Mark”, what if Jesus was the Son of God who died on the cross and rose again to save us from our sins? Now that’s show business!

But regarding the political dimensions of the early Jesus Movement, I find this aspect to be largely ignored by modern scholars. I think Monty Python’s Life of Brian is a bit more accurate than we care to admit. While this analogy is far from perfect, the Jesus Movement…specifically the one prior to Paul’s prevalence…was, in part, a response to the dominant Pax-Romana. In sum, this movement could be deemed a “left-populist” one in modern eyes. And if you’ve spent any amount of time with political radicals, you quickly learn that they HATE each other. While the main thrust behind Mark is to provide an unknown (but likely Greek-influenced) early church a coherent theological message, it’s who it’s aimed against that I find interesting.

This matter caught my attention while reading Etienne Trocme’s The Formation of the Gospel According to Mark. It’s a tough read, largely because it was written in French and doesn’t translate well into English, so I haven’t gotten very far. Additionally, I believe that Trocme’s controversial assertion in the work is that Mark originally ended at chapter 13. I do not accept that conclusion and it has been almost universally rejected by all scholars. Nevertheless, I picked up the book hoping to find some insight into Mark’s intentions.

According to tradition, “Mark” was an interpreter of the Peter, arguably the most important of Jesus’s apostles. But unless you’re a Christian, there’s absolutely no reason to believe this is true. Not only that, but Mark kinda portrays Jesus’s inner-circle as a bunch of idiots that have no understanding what their leader is trying to say and do. Because of this portrayal, preachers today want us to believe that the Apostles were a bunch of well-meaning knuckleheads, but it is possible (in fact, more likely) that Mark had polemical angle here: he was undermining Apostolic authority. In fact, in Mark, the only people that seem to understand Jesus’s mission are just randos. If memory serves, the only person (other than the author and some demons) in the narrative to identify Jesus as “the Son of God” is a Roman centurion after Jesus died on the cross. Additionally, Mark ends at 16:8, when Mary Magdalene, Jesus’s mother Mary (simply referred to as “mother of James”) and Salome find Jesus’s tomb empty with a stranger inside telling them Jesus has risen. Instead of rejoicing at the news, the women fled in terror and told no one.

In short, according to Mark, Jesus’s followers during his time on earth didn’t understand his message and when confronted with the truth, they fled.

As Trocme indicates, Mark doesn’t downplay Peter’s significance to Jesus but his authority is more or less stripped away. And James the brother of Jesus, who along with Paul and Peter was one of the most important figures in early church history, is essentially non-existent in the text.

Using my understanding of radical movements, a different interpretation of Mark comes clear: the author was asserting his own theology (possibly influenced by Paul who had his own run-ins with the Apostles) while simultaneously extending the middle finger to Apostolic authority.

Jack Hardcock: The Wrath of God (Part VII)

“I didn’t know there were jungles around Juarez,” Jack said as he swatted away mosquitoes.

“Si Senor,” responded Jose. “Mexico is nothing but jungle.”

The darkness of night provided the perfect cover for Jack and Jose, along with their motley crew of biker vigilantes. The gang passed around a bottle of tequila as they watched and waited several hundred yards away from the cartel’s compound. “Are you sure my father is being held here?” Jack asked Jose.

“Sí. We’ve been watching this place for several days.”

“I know Pablo Santora is behind this,” Jack added. “I can’t wait to get my hands on him.”

One of the bikers whispered over to Jose. “no reconozco a esta persona,” Jack heard.

Jose gazed through the binoculars towards the compound. “Jack, come here,” Jose said, “do you recognize this woman?”

Jack took the binoculars and scratched his head. “I don’t know who that is,” he replied, “but goddamn she’s tall.” He continued watching this mysterious woman through the window as she handed a large metal briefcase to none other than Pablo Santora. “I knew it!” Jack uttered to himself. The exchange lasted no more than a few minutes before the woman departed in a stretched limousine.

“Now’s a good time to launch the attack,” Jose said. Jack nodded and readied his .38. “Let’s go,” he declared.

The group marched through the muggy jungle until they were right on the perimeter. Without hesitation, a biker launched a flare into the air while another unleashed hell with a 50 cal. Suddenly the compound was lit up with explosions and tracer rounds.

“This is a little much, wouldn’t you say?” Jack shouted to Jose. Then the watchtower exploded from an RPG. Shattered glass and smoldering debris fell onto the men below. “I think it’s the right amount,” Jose retorted.

With the compound covered in fire like it’s the coming apocalypse, the gang marched through the gates and fired on anything that moved. Jack kicked open every door and looked under every pile of rubble looking for his father. Jose found a critically injured member of the cartel whose skin was smoldering and guts splayed out over the ground.

“Donde esta Rod Hardcock?!” Jose shouted to the dying man. But all the poor bastard could utter was “agua…agua.” So Jose emptied his .45 into him.

“No luck so far,” Jose told Jack. Then one of the bikers shouted “lo encontré!” Jack rushed to the portly biker and beside him was a tipped over porter john. And inside the porter john was a shit-caked Rod Hardcock.

“Jack, goddamn you, why did you come?!” Senor Hardcock told his son.

“Don’t worry Dad, I’m gonna make Pablo pay for this!”

Jose inquisitively look around him. “Has anyone found Pablo?”

Suddenly Hueys began whooshing overhead. Before Jack could react, he felt a bullet cut clean through his abdomen.

TO BE CONTINUED….

Stuck together w u

It sucks peen that I will never be a filmmaker because I’d love to adapt VD Mercer and Dan Scamell’s grotesque erotica novel Stuck Together With You. And I’m not saying that because I consider Dan my friend, I REALLY enjoyed the book.

I could go into plot details but just look at the cover. OR simply read the plot synopsis from Amazon:

Rhonda Wilkes is America’s grandma. Her acting career really took off 40 years ago with her wildly successful 1980’s ensemble sitcom, Stuck Together With You, about five aging women forced by circumstance to share a Long Island apartment. At 101 years old, and never far from her tall, mysterious, male assistant, Rhonda is still going strong. This is more than can be said for her Stuck Together co-stars, all of whom have died, save for Connie Roberts, who lives in declining health within an assisted living home.

The hideous secret to Rhonda’s longevity comes to light after Connie Roberts receives an experimental health treatment with low odds of survival. As Connie pulls through, hazy memories begin to return—memories of an orgiastic summoning ritual in a Hollywood studio lounge.

Given a second chance at life, Connie must track down Rhonda and her sinister assistant if she wants to put right the wrongs of the past decades. Luckily, Connie has the help of Terry, a miraculously resurrected assisted-living orderly, and the sentient finger now living in his head. Age is just a number in this salaciously weird tale of talking phalanges, steamy sex, and dark humor.

I’ve been unable to shake this book from my mind. Just imagine it: Barbara Crampton, Linnea Quigley, Felicia Rose, Juliette Lewis, etc etc coming together to do a spoof/homage to Golden Girls with clips from the mock sitcom interspersed through a story of violence, gore, and gratuitous nudity.

Unfortunately the gratuitous sex and nudity would have to be severely cut back. I doubt studios and actors would agree to that sort of thing. But I can see the ending in my mind: one final sitcom clip that hamfists the themes of the movie; cut to a black screen reading For Bea, Rue, Estelle, & Betty; Rod Stewart’s Young Turks plays over the credits.

——————————-————————————-

Since there’s been an inexplicable increase of traffic to my website, I should point out that if you’re interested in reading another weird piece of fiction, PLEASE consider purchasing your (shitty) copy of ‘The Detective James Series: Vol. 1’ on Amazon. If you read the whole thing, my apologies first off, but consider leaving a review 🙏🙏🙏

Rolling Thunder, pouring rain

I’m surprised that Rolling Thunder has the following it does. It’s not good enough to be a classic and not bad enough to be a cult classic. But it did have potential, yet somewhere along the way someone dropped the ball.

It’s based on an original story by Paul Schrader. While the final product does have many of the markings of a Schrader-written feature (like the shooting up of a brothel during the film’s climax), it seems that many of its most interesting elements were stripped away.

William Devane plays a released Vietnam POW whose hometown rewards him with a valuable coin collection. A group of bandits steal the collection, killing his wife and child and maiming his hand in the process. Armed with his new hook hand, Devane enlists the help of friend Tommy Lee Jones to seek revenge.

It sounds like pretty standard 70s grit in the same vein as Death Wish, Dirty Harry, etc. And for the most part, it is. Thankfully, the Schrader-influenced elements that survive slightly elevate the film above that genre. Unfortunately, because the filmmakers decided to dial back on the gore and melodrama, Rolling Thunder’s impact is entirely negated.

And after 38 seconds of research, I came across the interesting tidbit on IMDB:

Goddamn, what a movie that would have been. Unfortunately the studio didn’t have the balls to do that kind of picture so we’re stuck with something that’s unfulfilling.

William Devane is a respectable actor and I’m sure his friends would say he’s a nice guy. But he was miscast in this part. From the moment we see him, he doesn’t come across as a guy that’s been scarred from years of torture. He feels a little bit too cool for that.

But you know who would have been perfect for the role?

Co-star Tommy Lee Jones.

I’m just gonna say it, Jones was fine AF in the 70s. And he doesn’t emote too much in his performance. He doesn’t have to. From the moment we’re introduced to him, we know exactly what he’s feeling. Had Schrader been able to make the picture he wanted, Tommy Lee Jones would have made the perfect white trash version of Travis Bickle.

Additionally, there’s no payoff with many of the Schraderian elements. At one point, Devane explains that he learned to love torture because that’s how “you beat your enemies” (paraphrasing). That came in handy when his home was invaded, but this attempt at a theme was never fully established.

Plus, the protagonist was given a hook hand. You’d think that that device would play a larger role in the story, but only twice does Devane use it against his enemies. I mean what the fuck? You’re given a hook for a hand. Kill everybody with it!

Tennessee Oilers

I get it. I understand why Bud Adams changed it from the Oilers to the Titans. Still though, the Titans should have remained the Oilers.

“But there’s no oil in Tennessee 😭😭😭,” you say.

Who cares?

LA and Utah are hardly known for their lakes and jazz, yet that hasn’t stopped their NBA teams. I’d also like to add that the three greatest players in “Titans” history – Warren Moon, Mike Munchak, and Earl Campbell – never played a down of football in Tennessee.

Arguably, the Tennessee Titans/Houston Oilers franchise has seen their best days in Nashville (they went to a Super Bowl for instance), but forget all of that. Everyone remembers this team for one reason and reason only: those dope ass Houston Oilers uniform.

Let’s just be honest, no one likes the Titans “two tone blue.” While the solid navy blue uniforms have grown on me the past few seasons, it was always a mistake to make that the primary color over the traditional “Titans/Oilers (light) blue.”

As for the logo, it’s respectable that the Titans incorporated the the three stars found on the Tennessee state flag, but it’s still a shitty logo. And they made it worse by adding an inexplicable flame to it.

Why make this the main logo when they have much better one available?

Am I crazy to think that this one’s cooler?

Slap that on the side of the helmet, revert back to the Oilers colors, and suddenly Tennessee goes from having one of the worst uniforms to one of the best!

Everybody wants this to happen. But I suppose the Adams family wants to be respectful to the city of Houston for abandoning them. But fuck ‘em! They ended up getting another (shitty) franchise!

Plus, everyone thinks the Houston Texans are a joke anyway. Nobody likes them. So if Tennessee wants fans to start liking them again, they should flush their current uniforms down the toilet and reissue the old Oilers outfits. And if they can’t do this full time, then they should just do it twice a year when they play Houston so that they can laugh in their stupid fucking faces.

Eh, whatever

Am I happy with the paperback quality of The Detective James Series? Nope. But it’s good enough and I have no intention of fixing its issues. What’s done is done. I ain’t Ridley Scott; there will be no Director’s Cut.

Only fools trip on things behind them. So I will no longer put any time and effort into fixing this creation of mine. All my critics and haters can suck my dick.

So be sure to purchase your copy on Amazon and please please PLEASE leave a review. They took down my review because Jeff Bezos is a mother fucker, so I don’t care if you actually read the book. That’s not important. Just talk about your day or your favorite color. What IS important is that you give it five stars 🙏

Thank you and I will love you forever. And when I mean forever, I mean FOREVER. 😐

RIP Cormac McCarthy

The three artists that have influenced me the most are comedian Nick Mullen and authors Charles Bukowski and Cormac McCarthy.

McCarthy is an outlier compared to those other two. Other than our penchant for nihilism, we really don’t have any overlapping sensibilities. So I don’t try to emulate him. No one can.

But what inspired me about his writing is the way how he elevated the medium. McCarthy didn’t give a shit about correct grammar or punctuation. Some of his novels have entire conversations in Spanish and he doesn’t care to translate them into English or explain what they were about. He sometimes went into minute details over mundane actions that had no real consequence to the story. Nevertheless, you were completely engaged in this dark world of McCarthy’s creation.

While the obituaries since his death have cited No Country For Old Men and The Road as his most famous works, in my opinion (and really, the opinion of those in the know) his finest novel is Blood Meridian. I’ll go a step further and say that it might be the greatest American novel ever written. McCarthy’s vision of the Old West was dark and violent because the spilling of blood was the only language that land understood. Yet more importantly, never had violence been portrayed more poetically.

It’s unfortunate that it takes death for us to realize this, but hopefully now Cormac McCarthy will be recognized as one of the greatest writers of all time.

82 was a hell of a year

Pop quiz: what’s the greatest song ever written?

Correct. It’s Asia’s Heat of the Moment.

Sure the music video is annoying, but those are quietly the most gut-punching lyrics of the 1980s. Any musically? Don’t get me started. Total respect for Carl Palmer for wailing on the drums over Steve Howe’s lame guitar solo.

Heat of the Moment was released in 1982, which was possibly the greatest year in pop culture. Not only was there Asia’s banger, but we also had Michael Jackson’s Thriller and the Gap Band’s You Dropped a Bomb on Me. For me though, the greatest album ever made was Def Leppard’s Pyromania. Please keep your Def Leppard jokes to yourself, because Pyromania was legit a bitchin record. You’d be lying if you said that you didn’t get goosebumps when Joe Elliot belted “you gone straight to me heeeaaaaad” on into Phil Collen’s guitar solo in Photograph. I know that it was released in 1983, but it was recorded in 1982 therefore making it a 1982 album (don’t get technical with me).

And the Chicago 16 album? Shiiiiiiiit…..

Not only was EVERY song released in 82 a hit, but so was every movie. Ever heard of E.T? What about The Thing? Blade Runner?! Of course, the belle of the ball was the Nicholas Meyer classic, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

Uncle Rico had a damn good reason to be stuck in 1982. If only we could find ourselves there again.

The offense

Sean Connery went through an awkward phase immediately after leaving the James Bond franchise. It wasn’t until the 1980s, when he started getting the “elder mentor” roles, that he finally got his groove back. So I think it’s best if we forget most of the crap he did in the 1970s.

That being said, there was one bright spot:

I’m of course talking about The Offense, released in 1973 and directed by Sidney Lumet. The only reason why United Artists agreed to make this picture was to lure Connery back into the James Bond franchise. As a result, Connery returned for Diamonds Are Forever, which I think we should all be thankful for because Connery was in PEAK physical form.

Although the 70s were mostly a wash for Connery, his strongest performance did come in The Offense. In the film, he plays a seasoned police detective who suddenly has a mental breakdown while investigating a child predator. As a result, he beats a suspect to death during interrogation.

At the time, Connery was interested in breaking away from the shadow of James Bond. The result was a performance that we never really saw from him again. This is probably the only film where the Scottish actor actually demonstrated his range.

The highlight of the film, of course, is the interrogation scenes with just him and actor Ian Bannon. Both actors really run through the gambit of emotions, both getting the better of each other at different points. The often quoted line from this scene comes from Bannon’s character: “Nothing I have done can be one half as bad as the thoughts in your head.”

The screenplay by John Hopkins really carries the day, but one thing that I wasn’t expecting was how well the film looks. The production design combined with the cinematography creates a brooding atmosphere that seems to mirror the mind of Connery’s character. If I have one complaint though, it’s Sidney Lumet’s direction. It’s a minor issue, but the movie feels a bit too staged as actor’s movements sometimes appear over choreographed. This is especially apparent in the scene where Connery belittles his wife. The script is based on a play so it’s understandable why the movie feels like a theater production, but still, film is a different kind of medium and directors should better adapt the material for the screen.

Nevertheless, this is a great movie as it provided Connery with an opportunity to ACT as opposed to relying on his natural charisma.

To my readers: now that I’ve finished my book, I will begin the process of getting caught up on ALL of your blogs. Thank you for your patience and support 🙏🙏🙏