The holy road

I’ve always said, “Hollywood will rue the day they chose to ignore me.”

While it’s often a butt of my jokes, Dances With Wolves is still one of my favorite movies. I will go to my grave saying that Kevin Costner deserved his Oscar and I will continue to beat that drum. Unfortunately he will never return to that material and honestly he doesn’t need to. Costner told his story in the best way he could.

Still though, I think there’s potential in a sequel. It’s just unfortunate that Michael Blake, the original author of Dances With Wolves, didn’t agree. Maybe I’m wrong, but reading his own sequel, The Holy Road, Blake seemed to have purposely written his story so that it couldn’t have been adapted for the screen. In truth, it’s not a very well-written book. Plus, I don’t think Hollywood has the appetite to make another white savior story, which is why the powers that be (I won’t say their names because my treatment still has the “possibility” of getting produced (because I have never received an official ‘no’)) have been having trouble getting this project off the ground.

However I was undeterred. My thought process was, “if the Holy Road could be successfully adapted considering the current political climate, what would that look like?”. So I wrote my own treatment as a miniseries. And my take was a much more cynical and less naive approach to the Old West. However that naïveté was what partially made Dances With Wolves so compelling, so those images had to be sprinkled throughout the story. The result was a violent and pessimistic portrait, where Dances With Wolves/John Dunbar’s role is somewhat diminished, but the sentimentalism remained.

I rearranged some of the events of the book and completely changed the ending (which, if you read The Holy Road, is a necessity if you want to make a direct sequel to Costner’s movie). This might not have appealed to the producers, but they know that I’m right.

So come on Hollywood, call me back goddamnit!

Hollywood Icarus

I finally found something that sheds some light on the screenplay The Man Who Came to Play, which was later repurposed into The Deer Hunter. Apparently it was a light-hearted buddy comedy, according to Charles Elton, author of Cimino: The Deer Hunter, Heaven’s Gate, and the Price of a Vision. Can you imagine if THAT movie got made? I’ve always thought that Russian Roulette was a barrel full of laughs. Fortunately the only thing from that script that made into The Deer Hunter was the element of Russian Roulette. The entire thing was re-written by Cimino and Deric Washburn because Cimino never saw a screenplay that he didn’t want to completely rewrite. This was partially the reason why he was later fired from Footloose.

I respect the hell out of Cimino. He was certifiably insane and one of the greatest bullshit artists to have ever lived. After watching him address the crowd at Locarno Film Festival, I suddenly had the courage to go with my instincts and never apologize. It was the most insane appearance I have ever seen. Charles Elton obviously felt the same way. In his biography of Cimino, Elton was a frequent apologist for the director’s genius and often blamed studio producers for his failures, including Steven Bach, one of the many studio executives for Heaven’s Gate who later wrote The Final Cut which has, more or less, become the official history for the making of that movie.

In defense of Elton, he is partially correct. Heaven’s Gate wasn’t the only big budget auteur-driven film to have bombed around that time. William Friedkin’s Sorcerer and Francis Ford Coppola’s One From the Heart are two notable examples. The film industry was changing towards the direction of crowd-friendly features, probably thanks to the success of Star Wars and Jaws, and Cimino was the scapegoat for why creative control was wrestled away from directors.

But Cimino didn’t help himself. At no point while reading Elton’s book did I feel sorry for the auteur. My admiration for Cimino never diminished, but…at least according to Elton’s telling…he was so shut off from reality that he was only able to come to his senses after it was too late. Cimino even admitted that he simply couldn’t get along with middle management, which is a sentiment that I can relate to, but in the case of Heaven’s Gate, perhaps he needed to dial it back a bit. The picture simply isn’t good, regardless of what contemporary European critics might argue. It is bloated and self-indulgent and probably could have benefited from studio interference…during production, at least…to tighten it up. But as it stands today, Heaven’s Gate stands as the most notorious reminder of unbridled artistic genius run amok, even though Cimino wasn’t the first (or last) to be guilty of this crime.

The Internet Ruined Everything: Season 3

Much like the second season of The Next Generation, season 2 of this website was a mixed bag. It’s not my fault. I had a lot of shit to do, okay?

Working in mental health for the last five months has drained the shit out of me and I honestly considered not keeping up with this blog. But because I’m switching careers yet again, I should find a newfound hatred for life, which translates into great content.

With that said, Jack Hardcock will be shelved for the time being. Between Oppenheimer, Barbie, Sound of Freedom, and Jason Aldean, I feel that politics and misguided ideology has overran the pop culture landscape. And because season 3 will flow into an election year, I think it’s best to steer clear of those subjects. The joke should always be on me which is why I’m putting a pause on critiquing religious thought and staying far away from hot button topics.

I’ve said this once and I’ll say this again: because I’m a published author, I’m now a REAL artist, unlike the rest of you. That means, under penalty of law, I must possess integrity and originality. And in my view, reliance on contemporary issues makes poor art. It’s our duty, as sworn artists, to create something timeless that future generations will remember, cherish, and dissect for years to come. To do that, we must tap into the human condition and allow audiences to make their own judgments. Preaching and pandering to the audience is NOT that. That’s propaganda and I’m not in that business.

Some history is worth forgetting

Here’s a tip: never die. Cuz when you do, everyone’s gonna remember shit from 50 years ago and wish that they had punched you in the face when they had the chance.

That’s the thing about people who lived their lives as raging assholes: they continue being assholes even in death. No one knows how to feel about their demise and all the “loved” ones are burdened by their useless estate. Plus everyone is pissed off due to all the “fuck yous” left unsaid. It’s like they get one last laugh at everyone’s expense.

So RIP Uncle Chuck. Getting your ashes spread over Myrtle Beach was better than you deserved.

They should’ve been dumped in the Cuyahoga River

aliens

For the record, should there be a pending extraterrestrial invasion, I am fully on the side of aliens. Humanity had its moment but we blew it. It’s time for us to die off before we infect the entire universe with our bullshit. End of story.

With that out of the way, I would also like to say that humanity is simply not ready for the political, philosophical, religious, and scientific ramifications of extraterrestrial life. We can get giddy over the congressional hearings all we want but everyone better hope that that all these UFO sightings are actually Russia and China violating US airspace and nothing more. Cuz it if it is aliens, we can’t handle the truth.

That’s not to say that I hope it’s NOT aliens. Like I said, I fantasize over the slow, painful annihilation of the human race where you, me, and our entire history will be wiped out by a superior species in a show of force that would rival that of god. I wholeheartedly support this. I’m just saying that’s unlikely. If aliens are among us, they’re probably just here for observation and they’ve gotten a little sloppy. Human life is a curse and they should have never of revealed themselves to us, either intentionally or unintentionally. So there’s alien life in the universe that is capable of interstellar travel. What do we do with this information? If all the world leaders come out and do a press conference with an alien, what will that do to us? Do we suddenly join forces with this species in some sort of intergalactic alliance? I notoriously like Star Trek as much as anybody but I know that shit’s fiction. Humans can’t even agree that we’re undergoing an ecological catastrophe, what makes you think we’re ready for interstellar exploration, let alone inter species relations?

For the sake of the universe, if aliens are smart, they will either leave this planet alone, enslave us to prevent us from further exploration, or commit a mass Armageddon not seen since the extinction of the dinosaurs. Those are the only options.

Dennis R. “Old” McDonald

Every now and then an academic comes along with some wild ass theories that don’t find wide acceptance. They’re either ridiculed or ignored and sometimes, sadly, die in obscurity. Yet later they are found to be totally vindicated.

Dr. Dennis R. McDonald of the Claremont School of Theology and the Claremont Graduate University feels like a candidate for this distinction. He’s been making his rounds recently discussing his solution to “Synoptic Problem”…or how the first three canonical gospels are related…which he calls the “Q+\Papias” hypothesis. My interest in this supposed “lost gospel” theory, referred by historians as “Q”, has waned. There’s just too many unknowns to say anything definitive about it. But the most widely accepted theory is the “two source solution” to the “synoptic problem”: where Matthew and Luke relied on two sources, Mark and “Q”, to compose their gospels. McDonald’s “Q+\Papias Hypothesis” muddies the waters a bit (and is WAY too complicated to go into detail here), but it has been positively received, though not widely accepted.

But that’s not what makes McDonald controversial. He has argued, at times vehemently, that the gospels…most notably Mark…are heavily influenced by Homer. And I must admit, I find that some of his explanations stretch credulity. BUT, McDonald poses an interesting question and solution: no serious academic would mistake the gospels as accurate history even if there are REAL historical kernels contained within them. So where did Mark and others find the inspiration to rearrange the story to fit their needs? Homer seems as good of a candidate as any given his wide influence over the Greek-speaking world. If Mark was written for a Gentile audience, it would make sense to add themes and motifs that are recognizable to the reader/listener.

So while I might not find McDonald’s specific examples all that convincing, I think he’s touching on something important here. As he explained, if we can identify these Homeric influences, it adds another layer that can be stripped away from the text. In doing so, we come closer to what this “Q source” looked like, and as a result, we have a much greater understanding of the historical Jesus (at least in theory).

Rip racist uncle

Everyone has that one racist uncle that makes all your other racist uncles go “goddamn that guy’s racist.” Well mine died yesterday. He was so racist that he got kicked out of the Masonic Lodge for screaming anti-Semitic slurs. True story. No one’s gonna miss him but it’s caused a lot of conflicting feelings. They’re not even gonna have a funeral because his ex-wife is dead and he hasn’t spoken to his kids since the late 90s. I guess they’ll just cremate him and throw his ashes into the river 🤷‍♂️.

Anyway, I don’t know how people’s lives get to that point. I mean, I don’t know why he hated the Vietnamese. He “claimed” he was Vietnam veteran but he actually faked a DD214 to get discounts at Golden Corral. But he’s dead now. I figured his burning hatred for things he didn’t understand would keep him living well into his 90s, but it wasn’t meant to be.

RIP

Back to the shit factory

My undistinguished career in mental health is coming to a close. I’ve realized that the field is a mess and there’s no hope for anyone.

So I’m going back to the one thing I do best: taking shits. Sometimes you have to spend time away from something to realize how much you miss it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, as they say.

Except I’m not working at the shit factory this time. I think it’s the Piss Factory.

I forgot how to write

I’m barely literate enough as it is so I’m gonna take it easy for today by pulling a Hollywood move and let AI write for me. By the way, perhaps we still need screenwriters, but do we really need commercial writers?

Let’s ponder this question while we read a pitch for toilets by Werner Herzog:

College Football Uniform Playoffs (Part VI- The American)

Some of the schools playing in the American Conference this year have already been covered. At least I think they’re playing in that conference this year. I don’t know. But it won’t affect the playoffs in any way. So let’s get into it.

7. University of Tulsa Golden Hurricanes

This is a good uniform, but Tulsa’s got a few things going against it: they play in Tulsa and the American is pretty strong uniform wise. The blue is strong but the gold mutes some of the boldness.

6. Tulane University Green Wave

Design-wise, it’s actually pretty good. The colors are nice, just not together. Besides, you’re the “green wave”. I’m sure there’s a good story behind it but why they fuck are you wearing Tar Heel blue?

5. East Carolina Pirates

Maybe in another universe I’d love this uniform. But this is where boldness starts to work against you. It’s not a good uniform to watch while you’re nursing a Saturday morning hangover.

4. Temple University Owls

It hurts me to put this one this low. The ‘T’ logo kicks ass and I have a soft spot for their alternates. But it’s just not strong enough to move forward.

3. University of Memphis Tigers

So sue me, I love the tiger stripes. I’d prefer it if they just used white full time to accentuate the blue as the grey kinda mutes it. But whatever. It’s serviceable.

2. South Florida Bulls

Too bad they perpetually suck, because the Bulls have a great uniform. At least their standard uniform is good. If it weren’t for some of their shitty alternates, they might’ve won the conference.

1. Southern Methodist University Mustangs

Maybe I spoke too soon when I announced Louisiana Tech as the best team to wear red, white, and blue. Sure they look like the Buffalo Bills, but I like the Bills uniform. And mustangs are cool. Plus I LOVE it when they put ‘Dallas’ on the front of the jersey. So put SMU in the Big 12!

SMU advances!