Author: Beau Montana

I’m four months behind on the rent and my credit score is 480.

Factotum

Isaac Asimov, Maya Angelou, Bob Dole, or someone like that once said that a writer should always be writing because water can’t flow without the faucet running. Well I must have forgotten to pay the water bill.

And for that, I blame my job at the piss factory.

Oh it pays the bills alright, a little TOO well. It pays my bills so good that I can’t leave it.

And I hate the FUCK out of it.

But this pure, burning hatred for middle management and meaningless work is what makes me feel alive.

My boss called and woke me up at 12pm, saying that I was late for a “meeting.”

“What fucking meeting?” I asked him.

“The regional manager is in town and he wants to meet with everyone,” he said.

“If he wants to meet me so bad, then he can come visit ME.”

Then I hung up.

Corporate America, smh.

Confidence is key 🔑

Are you, like me, a fat and stupid loser that can’t find a job worth a shit? Well let me give you some pointers on succeeding in job interviews.

1. Put on a pair of pants. No one wants to see your bare ass ever, especially not in a professional setting. If you can, wear a pair of slacks that aren’t covered in Cheeto dust.

2. Don’t shit yourself. When they ask you questions like, “why do you want to work here?”, don’t panic. Say something like, “I have to feed my four cats,” or “I have a crippling gambling addiction.” Make your answer stand out.

3. Always come prepared. No interviewer wants to speak with some disheveled asshole stumbling in hungover. If you have to, prepare a speech. You could say something like, “hello, I’m so and so, and as you can see, I combed my hair and put on polo. As my dead grandpa used to say, ‘don’t come come to me looking like you fell out of a bull’s ass and expect a dime.’ So I aim to impress you with sheet of paper in front of you called a resume, which is a Polish word for ‘bullshit on paper’. A little about me: my wife left me and I’m a raging alcoholic. My salary expectations are $15.45 an hour.”

But whatever you say to a prospective employer, even if you’re a registered sex-offender that can’t find a job, say it with CONFIDENCE

The genius of bill Shatner

Not a day goes where I don’t think about James T. Kirk. When ever I come to a moral crossroad, I just sit and think about that time when the legendary Starfleet captain lost his memory then went native, and yet that somehow solves nothing. And that’s all thanks to the nuanced performance of William Shatner.

I sincerely wish that people would study his acting more closely because he really stepped up his game for the Star Trek movies. For instance, when we’re introduced to ADMIRAL Kirk in The Motion Picture, he clearly hates his job and is just itching to jump back into the captain’s chair. It should be noted that The Motion Picture is a shitty screenplay that the screenwriter wrote in his basement over the weekend. If it weren’t for Douglas Trumbull’s special effects, the movie would have been a complete disaster. But Shatner understood the character. He knew, as Spock explained to him in Star Trek II, that being a Captain was his “best destiny” and that he had no business being a desk jockey.

Was his performance hammy and caricature-like? Absolutely. He was given nothing to work with and director Robert Wise clearly didn’t understand Star Trek. So Shatner did what he does best: ACT.

We laugh at Shatner’s trademarked delivery and cadence, but we’re sorta missing the point. For one, that’s a very effective way of communicating, which is something you want from a leader. When Shatner is doing that, that’s a performance he’s adding on top of another performance. In short, Shatner understands that there’s James T. Kirk the CAPTAIN and James T. Kirk the MAN. We only saw glimpses of that nuance in The Motion Picture, but this is fully explored in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

In Khan, Kirk not only hates his job, but he’s straight out depressed. He’s a man without a mission; a purpose. That is until a foe from the past steals a deadly device and suddenly he’s thrusted into action. I’ve said many times before that Shatner’s performance here is one the greatest ever. Had this not been science fiction, I’m sure that the Oscars would have given him a nod.

One of the best scenes is towards the end when the Enterprise is limping away from certain doom. Sulu, perhaps rhetorically, asks “we’re not gonna make it, are we?”. Kirk looks to his son, who quietly shakes his head. Kirk says nothing in return. Shatner sits in the captain’s chair, hands and legs crossed, for the first time facing his certain mortality. That scene always gives me goosebumps.

Of course everyone remembers that sequence because of Spock’s sacrifice and Ricardo Montalban’s over the top performance, but Shatner is doing something here too: the facade between Kirk the captain and Kirk the man is slipping. It’s really the first time where we see Kirk powerless and unsure of himself. We sense that and and yet it goes unspoken of. That’s the genius of Shatner and Nicholas Meyer’s direction.

After Spock’s death, Kirk continues this moodiness into Star Trek III. But he completes this arc which culminates in Star Trek IV: Kirk is fully restored to the hero we know and love. So I implore all would-be actors: study this performance.

There’s a storm coming

Now I know what the internet is thinking; where’s Beau Montana?

Well I’ll tell you: I was in Juarez wearing my old army uniform from Vietnam like William Devane in Rolling Thunder. And yes, I *might* have shot up a brothel. It’s a long story.

Anyways, I’m sure everyone knows about my recent troubles. I won’t go into it, but I’m slowly trying to explore the world trying to make amends. You see, I’ve simply made too many enemies.

Remember my old boss at the toilet factory whose ass I owned twice? Well that mother fucker blackballed me from ever working there again. But this time I’m going to be the better man. I ain’t gonna play his stupid, shitty games because he’s a piece a shit. The important thing is that I forgive him; he can’t help it that his brain is stupid.

But I realized, shortly after fighting my demons south of the border like some character in a Cormac McCarthy novel, that I can’t keep living life this way. You see, deep down I’m actually a peaceful man. I enjoy the music of Cat Stevens; I might’ve spent a night or two in Ashland, OR; I voted for Carter in 76. I’m not a violent, spiteful man.

I want to emphasize forgiveness. We just need to forgive one another. Will I ever forgive Arby’s for discontinuing the potato cakes? Fuck no! But this isn’t about me.

This is about us. And YOU guys need to need to have more forgiveness and compassion in your lives.

New sitcom

So I came up with a genius new sitcom called The New GUY (which is in no way a ripoff of another series starring John Ritter NOR is it based on the circumstances of my life currently) about some schlubby accountant who’s wife kicks him out of the house and the cheapest place to stay is at a house owned by two dumb girls who would only rent out a room to a man IF he’s gay.

So I imagine in the first episode, the main character Arthur comes strolling up to the front door with his khaki pants and white tennis shoes, then he knocks and pokes his thick bifocals back onto his face. The girl answers the door. “Hi, I’m Art,” he says.

The girl just chews her gum, twirls her hair, and looks at her phone, never making eye contact. “I’m Jenny. Ali’s inside. Come in.”

Jenny’s a bitch and the audience is not supposed to like her, but Ali is the nicer of the two but still an idiot. Arthur (or “Art”) sits there listening to the girls as they explain their routine and hobbies as they giggle about pop culture. Art just smiles and nods like a fool because he has no idea what they’re talking about. But finally it’s time for Art to introduce himself.

“Well I love penis,” he explains. “I’m definitely not a heterosexual man so vagina completely disgusts me. Not that I ever touched one.”

“I like penis,” says Ali.

“Yeah, penis is cool,” says the other.

So he signs the lease, the whole time smiling because he thinks he has them fooled. But later, Ali tries to set Art up with one of her gay friends and Art has to choose between the truth or his love of saving money because he’s a cheap ass accountant (and naturally he chooses money). And that’s the whole series.

For the life of me, I can’t imagine why Hollywood won’t hire me 🤷‍♂️

Fckn passports

So I called up the US State Department to see what the hold up was on my passport.

“US Department of State, how may I help you?” the woman on the phone asked.

“Yeah, where the fuck is my passport BITCH?!”

“Just one moment please.”

Moments later a gentleman answered the phone. “This is Secretary Anthony Blinken, what seems to be the problem?”

“Tell your people to get off their lazy asses and get my passport processed!” I demanded.

“Well it appears that you’re on the no-fly list stemming from an incident in 2012 when you pulled out your penis on a plane en route to Dubai.”

“And as I explained to the air marshal, we were flying over the desert and it got a little stuffy. My balls get a little sweaty, you know what I mean? Is there any way that we can get this process expedited?!”

“Sure, for an extra $20,000, we can shorten the normal waiting period of 36 weeks down to 35.”

“Goddamnit, alright. Let me get my wallet,” I vexed.

So it doesn’t look like I’ll be in England in November after all. Thanks Obama!

Beau goes down

I’m not gonna say that my life has taken a turn for the worse, but there has been a polemic shift. Things have been stressful to say the least. No joke, I probably lost 10 pounds last week.

Details are private, but there’s some changes coming up. For one, it appears as though I will be in England in November. Why? Cuz I can and YOU can’t stop me. And TWO, most importantly, writing will now be a major function in my life.

Will I ever be rich or famous? Fuck no. But this craft is important to me.

Now let the show proceed…

The reviews are in

Time Magazine called me “the biggest fucking asshole” while the New York Times named me the “worst author of the 21st Century” for writing The Detective James Series: Vol. 1. Typical liberal MSM bs, smh. So needless to say the reviews haven’t been good.

That is until Dan Scamell of DVS Fiction released his glowing review of my first book. You see, Dan is a TRUE artist and an actual author. He has REAL talent, just like me. Unlike the rest of those hacks in the LAME stream media, Dan Scamell understands the subtle complexities of my very SERIOUS work.

Honestly, when the dust settles on ALL the attention my book’s getting, I think people will realize that Herman Melville is a clown and that The Detective James Series: Vol. 1 is truly the greatest American novel. Hell, it’ll probably outsell the Bible because God ain’t got SHIT on me.

But thank you Dan 🙏 your positive review means a lot to me. I love his work and I implore all of you to visit dvsfiction.com and follow him on the socials.